Monday, March 12, 2007

Decisions, decisions

Well I’ve got to get some wisdom. Have been praying for guidance. I live in a 75 year-old house which needs a LOTTA work. It’s embarrassing to live in, cramped, and I just don’t like living in it. But I like the block and I like my neighbors. And it IS a house, after all. And we must learn to be grateful. But the house has taken a toll on my health, my son’s health, and my life because of mold issues, darkness issues, repair issues and a whole LOTTA issues.

If I had the money to do all the repairs on this house, I’d be doing something that would be good but also useless. The house would be repaired but it would still be cramped, might still be moldy, and all those repairs would not be recouped.

Truly, if I had the money to repair the house, I would probably knock down the house and build a new one on the spot.

In our town there is a non-profit fund that repairs your house for nothing. Did you hear me: nothing! But there is one catch: after they repair your house you must live in it for five years. If you move before the five years are up, you must pay them back.

But there’s also another catch: the emotional spiritual vampire catch. I simply do not like charity and I don’t like people involved in charities. They are like leeches who use your distress to feed their egos and they go about saying things like, “we helped her...her house was such a mess but...” At a Christmas party I met the woman who is in charge of doing this. Alas, she was everything I feared! A white liberal young type who talked a lot about the poor people she helped. I just can’t do it. I feel it would kill my soul to be helped by this woman. And it’s not even a black and white thing. There are black charity leeching types out there also whose souls are fed by humiliating people they help and who get some sick boost from being able to say to one person (or an entire community) that they are ever so helpful. Hey, as the prophet Jeremiah said, “The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked; who can know it?”

Anyway...so now here I am. In this fix...because the house has to be fixed. I’m hoping my book will sell a lot...but is there a chance to get a financial miracle THIS year? With God all things are possible. I just need prayers for guidance and financial reaping for the many seeds I’ve sowed. Trusting God.
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