Saturday, February 02, 2008

Fasting for love

I am totally convinced that if I were to feel the power of God's love...liquid love pouring into my soul...that I will be healed. I mean a hefty dose of the realization of God's love.

So many illnesses are rooted in the fact that we don't feel loved, or we were rejected. I really believe this.

So many things separate us from God, or prevent us from receiving from Him. And one of those things is we don't really get how very much He loves us.

Now, I know He loves me. But alas, that knowledge isn't enough to give me the peace that passes understanding. It isn't enough to make me stop worrying about this that and t'other.

Hence, the fast. I am going to show my reliance on God --my need for Him and His love-- by telling this body o mine that food is not its real comforter. (Okay, I'll have to give up sex too because St Paul hints that we should give up sex when we fast also.)

I feel God is pulling me towards Him, so that I may know His love and not fall into the hurt-fear-snares that humans bring us. I already think this fast is working...and I'm only on the second day. This morning I was emailing someone and got into a discussion about sin in which I was very honest that although she is an atheist she is way too moralistic. I actually was brave enough to speak honestly. That's not something I am wont to do. So, something is happening within my soul. I'm losing my desire to have humans think well of me. I'm losing my fears of being myself. I'm losing my fear of appearing rude (which was always weird because the folks being rude to me never seemed to care that THEY themselves were being rude.)

All I want is to feel the love of God. I have never craved anything so badly. Let's hope a craving for chicken -- or mere laziness that makes me pick up the thing absent-mindfully and eat it-- won't get in the way of this deeper craving. If I know that God loves me, if I sense His care for me, my heart will be healed of many wounds. And healing will be able to flow better through me. Because I will know and want only God. Only God.
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