Where is my faith?

A great windstorm arose, and the waves beat into the boat, so that it was already filling.
But He was in the stern, asleep on a pillow. And they awoke Him and said to Him,
“Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?”
Then He arose and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Peace, be still!”
And the wind ceased and there was a great calm. But He said to them,
“Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith?” And they feared exceedingly,
and said to one another, “Who can this be, that even the wind and the sea obey Him!”

Mark 4:37-41 NKJV

I'm thinking of the time when Jesus' disciples came to him when they were apparently -- to the human eye-- in great overwhelming trouble. They snapped at him and said, "Don't you care that we're going to die?" To which he answered, "Where is your faith?"

Yes, where the heck is my faith? I know God loves me. I know that by Jesus' wounds we were healed. I know God is powerful, caring, loving, merciful, compassionate. But why don't I have any gentle peace about these prayers? Okay, okay, in the old days the old folks would "pray through." Maybe I should do it...sit at the side of my bed and pray and pray and pray until I feel God's peace falling down and enveloping me.

Aaargh. I love talking to God but to set time aside like that. I'm one of those lazy types that likes listening to sermons or the Bible on CD or to praise television. Devotion by soaking. I like praying at night and in the morning and at lunchtime -- hubby calls me from work to tell me when he's going for his walk and we pray together during that lunchtime-- but to actually kneel down at the bed and pray through....well....

One of the taped ministers whose sermons I listen to at night is Emily Dotson. I listen to Andrew Wommack too and tapes/CD's from Sid Roth's Messianic Vision. But I especially love Emily Dotson because when she was miraculously healed she was prayed for by a regular person and she worked out her own salvation with fear and trembling and much persevereance in a spiritual battle. A part of me keeps thinking that I'd like my son to be miraculously healed by my own praying and persevereance (and prayers from my friends and my church.) I don't much like the idea of folks being healed in great evangelist healing ministries. Because those folks may have gifts of healing and gifts of miracles and my mother's friend was miraculously healed of brain cancer in one of those healings -- a Catholic priest-- but the FACT is that all Christians have the power, authority, and ministry of healing as part of our great commission from God to occupy until he returns. And that's what is so wonderful about the Emily Dotson tape. She prayed through and pushed and pushed. All by her lonesome. So am trusting on that. I'd hate to have to sit through a healing sermon -- with whining moaning younger son beside me-- until the healing began.

God has been really trying to tell me to trust in him. It amazes me that we are a people made for faith, we humans...and yet... we have so much trouble trusting God. The effect of the fall, definitely. Humans are made up of love, hope, faith...in God's image...and yet we are so prone to despair and doubt. And it's soooo odd that even those of us who love God simply cannot trust him. What work the human soul needs! Trust him. And I'm trying to trust him too.