Saturday, February 21, 2009

The last suicidal friend I will ever have

Throughout my life, I have had the most profound bad luck of having suicidal folks befriend me. Honestly, honestly! What does one do with this kind of thing? Especially if one is needy one's self? After all, the needy are often called to help the needy.

But I really cannot take it anymore. May God forgive me. It isn't the strange phone calls in the night calling to say, "I'm in the middle of nowhere and blue cars are turning into yellow cars and the radio is talking to me" that bothers me.

It is not the two to three hours wasted every morning when one receives the daily "Please talk me out of my depression" phone call or the inability to write because one is comforting a depressed person who is alone and has no one else patient enough to accept their daily call.

It is the profound inability of many of these folks to accept other folks, even the person who is attempting to comfort them. It is the continuous belligerence and touchiness.

Okay, either I am utterly utterly mistaken about who I am and have been hurting people all along...and sincerely need a wake-up call to my own cruelty and self-delusions. Or this is yet another case of someone who simply cannot see kindness in another person and who has a deep core of distrust within them for people. When one of these suicidal folks come up to me with a long list of grudges against me, it is nothing short of terrifying to think that all this time they have been misunderstanding everything one says and judging one --adding pros and cons--, always suspecting me. I am so wounded I cannot tell you how much. It makes me fear humans and all relationships. I find myself becoming a recluse again. I don't want to deal with anyone else in the world again whenever this kind of thing happens. IT hurts me in the same way the Neth review (and his subsequent habit of talking about me all over the internet) hurts me. Because it seems to be founded on lies. Seems to be. Unless I am more cruel than I thought.

And what has brought about this new bit of drama in my life? I simply could not agree with this suicidal person that a third person meant him harm. That was my crime to which I have been cast off. Honestly, I find myself avoiding all communications with people now. In real life or web life.

Now, what are we to do with this? As a Christian I do not like to give up on people. And I know many Christians who are patient with certain kinds of people. May God forgive me! I can no longer do it. I can no longer bear to be the person who wastes my morning talking a suicidal person out of the daily depression. Let them find someone else. IF this is a closing of my heart, may God have mercy on my soul! It is all too wounding for me.
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