Throughout my life, I have had the most profound bad luck of having suicidal folks befriend me. Honestly, honestly! What does one do with this kind of thing? Especially if one is needy one's self? After all, the needy are often called to help the needy.
But I really cannot take it anymore. May God forgive me. It isn't the strange phone calls in the night calling to say, "I'm in the middle of nowhere and blue cars are turning into yellow cars and the radio is talking to me" that bothers me.
It is not the two to three hours wasted every morning when one receives the daily "Please talk me out of my depression" phone call or the inability to write because one is comforting a depressed person who is alone and has no one else patient enough to accept their daily call.
It is the profound inability of many of these folks to accept other folks, even the person who is attempting to comfort them. It is the continuous belligerence and touchiness.
Okay, either I am utterly utterly mistaken about who I am and have been hurting people all along...and sincerely need a wake-up call to my own cruelty and self-delusions. Or this is yet another case of someone who simply cannot see kindness in another person and who has a deep core of distrust within them for people. When one of these suicidal folks come up to me with a long list of grudges against me, it is nothing short of terrifying to think that all this time they have been misunderstanding everything one says and judging one --adding pros and cons--, always suspecting me. I am so wounded I cannot tell you how much. It makes me fear humans and all relationships. I find myself becoming a recluse again. I don't want to deal with anyone else in the world again whenever this kind of thing happens. IT hurts me in the same way the Neth review (and his subsequent habit of talking about me all over the internet) hurts me. Because it seems to be founded on lies. Seems to be. Unless I am more cruel than I thought.
And what has brought about this new bit of drama in my life? I simply could not agree with this suicidal person that a third person meant him harm. That was my crime to which I have been cast off. Honestly, I find myself avoiding all communications with people now. In real life or web life.
Now, what are we to do with this? As a Christian I do not like to give up on people. And I know many Christians who are patient with certain kinds of people. May God forgive me! I can no longer do it. I can no longer bear to be the person who wastes my morning talking a suicidal person out of the daily depression. Let them find someone else. IF this is a closing of my heart, may God have mercy on my soul! It is all too wounding for me.
-C
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4 comments:
From what I have read of your blog, you are a kind and temperate soul. It sounds to me as though some folks have found a person whom they can take advantage of by yacking your ear off and stealing your productive time. A few key phrases have you hooked and then they can use you for their own personal emotional dumping ground, and that's not fair. It is an imposition on their part, and it is manipulative.
I like the Serenity Prayer for situations like this. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
You cannot change others. You cannot change how they think, how they feel, or how they behave. You can change you - your thoughts, your feelings, your responses, your actions.
Speak your truth. Be kind and not mean when you do it. Know that about yourself. If they choose to take offense, they can do that. But so long as you are true to what you know is right and good, there is not much you can do about it. The truth is the truth, even if they don't like it.
This also sounds like a time to think about some self-care. You are no good to anyone if you are burned out. Like they say on airplanes, in the event of an emergency, put the mask on your own face first, then help the person next to you.
If you do not fill your own tanks by meditation, good sleep, meaningful work, prayer, what-have-you, then you have nothing to run on and nothing to offer others.
Be good to you, Dear Carole. God has made you and you are worth being cared for. Take care of yourself first, then family, then others. It is the right order of things.
Thanks, Dawn. The trouble is I always felt the wounded and the oppressed and the flaky should help each other. But some folks are so hurt that always there is this element of distrust in how they deal with you. And it's so hard to always deal with that on a daily basis. And then when they surprise you with this list of all the crappy ways in which you've shown your lack of love for them it's like...oh my gosh, have you been keeping this grudge all along? And when the list is so totally kooky...it's like...oh my God, has this misunderstanding been going on all along? -C
I agree with Dawn's comments. Suicidal people are hurting, yes, but they are also dysfunctional and carnal. They are also selfish by nature of their self-focusness. I know, I was there once upon a time (a loooong time ago).
Really, it is not often you can reason with these people. Their view is distorted and they may never see things your way. The Truth is the only thing that will set them free, and mostly, they will not change unless they come to know the Lord in a real way.
You beautiful hearted person - time to have a season just for Carole. Don't let these ones take advantage of you anymore. Just pray for them.
I heard something recently that a person who talks about suicide rarely does take their own life. I am not sure if that is correct, but their threat of it is most often a form of control and manipulation to get a person to listen to them and all their woes. I know that sounds hard and uncaring, but I believe it is true.
We can often be magnets for people when the enemy knows we 'soft touch' for particular people. He will use them to drain the life out of us.
Retreat a while my friend, and don't feel guilty about it...
Hi Amanda:
I'm recovering a bit. Not as well as I could be, but not as bad as I was last week. The trouble with this kid is that he did try to kill himself so it's hairy. Well, I'm free now from being there for him. -C
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