Friday, October 28, 2011

Surprise Spiritual Pop Quiz

Okay, I understand that life is full of surprises but I so so so hate it when I'm blind-sided. Okay, if I had been prayed up and had listened to some good sermon on rejoicing no matter what or read some great book on dying to self, I would'e been prepared. Or if I had been singing psalms all day...maybe I wouldn't have been knocked for a loop and failed this sudden test so miserably. But alas I was caught off-guard and well, I'll just say the devil knows what buttons to push when he deals with Carole through some arrogant smug person.

Aiiish! I feel so angry with myself for allowing that person to get to me. Yes, i know..I'm sounding like those folks who say, "Why did you get me so angry that you forced me to be nasty to you?"

Life is so full of things that catch us off guard. Or catch us when we are weak.

Fact is: I really hate people being superior to me. Of course, if I didn't have an ego...if I were spiritually emptied of self yadda-yadda-yadda... I wouldn't have gotten so hurt at some patronizing white woman treating me like dirt. I would've let it roll off like water off a duck's - or a spiritually empty monk's-- back. But noooooooooo! I let this bitch have it. And she behaved all perfect and proper and patronizing! I could soooo scream!

This morning, if you had asked me if I were ready to die...if I was sure I would go off in the rapture... I would've said, "Why, yes. Died to self. Being really patient. Loving my neighbor. Not an ounce of unforgiveness in my heart or mind."  Well....uh.... that was this morning

AAAGH!

So why am I feeling crappy?

Because that white lady "won" over me with her cool, cruel, superiority.
Because I said stuff in anger that I shouldn't have said...and WORSE...they had no power over little miss racist superior white lady.
Because I'm feeling I failed a spiritual surprise quiz...and did not give God the opportunity to be proud of me. And because, even now, I still want to wring that woman's neck.

Yes, the sin and anger is all within me. A person cannot bring out one's bad side if one has no bad side to bring out.... but aaargh! I hate losing. To the lady. To the devil. To my worst self.


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