Driving While Black

So yesterday was an interesting day....for me anyway. Cops in these parts are simply out of control. Not even thinking about the Sean Bell incident. I mean one teenage girl (from one of the wealthier towns around here) made a sex tape with her boyfriend. Cops were looking for something in her boyfriend's place, found the tape, forced her to look at it while they also looked on. The kid's family is suing and dang straight they shuld. Also: in Newburgh at least 14 people have died in police custody in the past year. Okay, what's that about? The town is absolutely tiny. And then there is the problem with my son. Between my son's tendency to speed, weird laws against tinted windows in cars, my son forgetting to pay his speeding tickets, cops doing the driving-while-black thing, and cops just going fishing (when you stop at the light and they are behind you, they just run your plates for the heck of it.) well, we have paid $1600 in car fines in the last three months. But the kicker was yesterday when a cop car stopped beside my son who had pulled over. Cop searched car, found nothing except a small penknife. Checked to see if penknife flicked open. Mercifully it didn't. Said to my son threateningly, "Hey, it's too bad this thing doesn't flick open cause I would've given you a ticket." Then proceeds to TAKE my son's wallet with $50 and drive away. Then cop returns to the precinct with the wallet and says, "we 'found' his wallet on the ground." $50 gone!!!!!! GONE, BABY, GONE!!!!! That was our food money, the cop took. Dang, I do not wish to go to the food pantry. But that's the way these cops are. They don't realize that folks need their money. I said to son, well, just accept it and pray for them. I might write the police cheif about it but it's our word against the cops'. At least, it'll be in the cops personnel file. I said to son, "Stop speeding because once they stop you, they can do anything they want to you...consider yourself lucky they didn't plant marijuana or crack on you." Dealing with cops just is no joke.

Kneejerk Disdain

Back in the day when I was an Episcopalian-bor-and-bred I had a gay priest who hated Bible-believing Christians. His hatred was visceral and his unequal treatment of his parishioners based on their beliefs was all too obvious. He was like night and day. He'd get bright red and he'd get very distant whenever a Bible-believing Christian approached him whether in or outside the churchyard. It was as if he was always ready to be hurt by them.

Well, I understood exactly how he felt. I've had my share of Christian cruelty. I remember the Assembly of God minister, Pastor Glickert, the white minister in a 99.9999% white congregation who decided to drag me up to the front of the conversation to talk about me living with my soon-to-be husband. (Other young folks had boyfriends too and were into extramarital sex but they were white young folks and their parents were in the congregation. I suspected he did this in order to make himself appear to the white congregation as hard on sin....and I, being alone, was a great tool for that purpose.)

I remember the white minister's wife who stood beside me at coffee hour telling me she didn't like seeing my white husband and me together because she didn't like seeing her race muddied.

I remember the Christian reviewers who toured Wind Follower who wildly emailed each other offlist about the sex and violence in my book. And I remember the Christian fiction group, Xianscribblers, which all ganged up on me and once again were emailing each other offlist about me. (That trouble started because I didn't like the idea of invading Iraq and because I said people should not judge homosexuals because some --by no means all-- of my homosexual friends had had sexual abuse as children.) Of course something always happens with all that gossiping and I always end up being told...Christians are good at herd-mind cruelty but never good at hiding their gosiping.

So as I think back upon that former minister of mine -- who is quite the Christian gay theologian revolutionary-- I tell myself, "I don't want to develop a kneejerk disdain toward Christians. I don't want to write stories where Christians are harpies who pride themselves on how kind and good and mature they are...when they are really nothing more than cruel beings. Those are the stories non-Christians and Christian-haters write."

Yet, the depiction of Christians is often true. At least American Christians. And let's face it: much of the most blatant racism comes from Christians in the Bible Belt. The Bible tells us: a true witness delivers souls. But can I write the passionate accurate story without being mean-spirited and kneejerk about it?

God alone knows.

nooses

I got an email this morning from a black woman Christian writer.

The upshot of the email is that we black women must be very careful how we use our blogs and cyber talk because the powers-that-be in the (white) world will use our own words to make nooses and hang us.

She suggested I be very very very careful about what I say and how honest I am because white people have a great deal of power. A black person, therefore, must know when to be quiet. You know: the old "be very careful about being too honest with white folks because they'll just think you're bitter or angry or uppity" warning.

Ah gee. I hear what she's saying. And she's probably right. My problem is this: I have battled fibromyalgia for 23 years. For instance all this week I slept maybe two or three hours each night. And last night I went to bed at 9 and woke up two hours later at 11:30 and was up all night. Typical. Fibromyalgia has a lot to do with stuffed down anger. Plus my son has had to battle non-verbal autism. And try being sleepy and handling that kind of thing during the day. I'm 48 and I truly believe that because I personally tend to stuff down what I think I have destroyed my health. I really can't afford to stuff things down anymore.

But even so... I'll be careful in the future. I'll try to put my thoughts about my personal issues only in my books. As my friend warned.

Black women are always telling each other what to do for our own good. It's stifling and I'm sure this "protecting you from yourself" kind of warning has perversely been the cause of major illnesses in our bodies. We make each other ill by forcing each other to be silent in order to preserve each other's health and livelihood. And honestly, I felt this horrendous wave of tiredness and rebuke flow through my body as I read through her email. Reminded me of all the silencing stuff that got pushed down my throat when I was being raised by my Methodist minister grandfather. I tell you...black folks rebuking other black folks (however gently) are responsible for ruining moods, health, and projects.

Of course, there are certain kinds of people in the world who get really uncomfortable when they see someone who doesn't quite conform to standardized behavior. I had a friend once whose clothes always matched. Always. Once she visited me wearing yellow socks, yellow, shirt, and a yellow headband. Honestly, except for her jeans, she looked like a gigantic banana. She wanted me to go somewhere with her. But first...she wanted me to change. I had on a purplish shirt and greenish jeans. "You don't match," she said. As if the fashion laws were as unchallenged as the cosmic spiritual laws. I didn't answer her back. (I told you: I allow folks to tell me what's wrong with me but I rarely tell them what's wrong with them.) But I did think she was seriously rigid.

So yeah, it might be that this advice-giver is someone who is closed off and simply freaks out whenever she deals with folks who she considers odd. And black women are notorious for reining in folks they think are "not behaving right." Personally, I think the world is too full of black folks hiding their hearts from white folks. But maybe, like Anne Frank, I still trust in the kindness of human nature.

Even so I'll be careful about how I speak about my own issues in the future. And I'll be very very very careful about what I reveal to white folks.

I've never been an advice-giver because I understand how wounding it is to a person's soul to be "lectured" but I tend to kow-tow when someone gives me "advice" for my own good. And to prove my point, while i read her email I deleted all the personal rants on any blogs I'm connected to. It might make my blog a bit safe and bland...but it'll make me safe too. At least that's what my friend says. And we who are in a fibromyalgia battle value our emotional safety.

Thanks. -C

Afros

Okay, about Isaiah Washington's slur against his co-worker. The "f" word. It's pretty rude to say anything that will hurt a colleague or an entire group of people. He shouldn't have said it. That said, folks in hollywood DO seem to get upset over certain kinds of prejudice while they indulge in others. And they DO seem to pick on certain folks more than others. For instance, if a black person does something socially unacceptable, the media treats it as if it's the crime of the century. Their attitude reminds me that racism in the supposedly liberal media is alive and well. We must not forget that most of these media folks probably had childhoods where they didn't really know any black people. They may have microphones in their hands and they might be pontificators but at heart they are not socially-educated about racism and its subtleties. They DO believe that black women and men are touchy and overly-sensitive and apt to go overboard emotionally. That's their deep-seated idea but they don't realize they have it.

They also are unaware of their prejudices against non-normal physical attributes. Of course they are all into beauty and cosmetic surgery and looking good for the cameras. But it goes even further. For instance, on idol chat, Rosanna and Kimberly were mocking Justin Guarini's afro, comparing his hair to Bozo the clown. On E's commentary on the golden globe fashions, the hosts -- and Miss Jay a black person with transgender issues should know better-- got a lot of laughs mocking Vanessa Williams and Will Farrell's hair. Why? Because of the afros and curly hair. Why should curly hair and afros bring knee-jerk laughter? Yet, all over television there is a continued mockery about afros which shows that subtle racism is still alive.

On American Idol, Simon Cowell (or the producers) always set up fat or disabled people or oddballs as a butt for laughter and Hollywood poo-poohs their cruelty but don't really fire any one. Nor do Hollywood execs fire people who mock are disdainful of Christians and Catholics or fat people.

Ah yes! They are pretty sneering about Christians. I can tell you all the types of Christians who pop up in TV shows: the innocent indoctrinated not too bright young girl with simple faith. The intellectual who leads those with simple faith but who tolerates their beliefs because they're obviously not as deep as he is. The innocent searcher who grows to realize his religion is too old-fashioned and intolerant. The crazed abortion-clinic bomber. The deluded believer who believes God actually guides him and talks to him. The cruel judgemental evangelical with no sensitivity to other people who thumps his Bible. Ah I could go on. So, yes, there is a bit of imbalance there about how "offended" Hollywood gets when certain groups are picked on.

Ah brothers and sisters! We can do nothing about the world, but we can do something about ourselves. As Christians we mustn't pick and choose what offends us. The world can do that. Not us. Some of us don't get mad when another denomination is picked on, but we get mad when our denominati0n is mocked. Some of us get mad when Christians are slammed but we don't mind when Blacks or Jews are picked on. Let us search our hearts. Remember what the apostle John said, "if you don't love your brother, you are a murderer. And no murderer has eternal life" That's pretty clear. We Christians are often ready to put Christian homosexuals in hell, why aren't we just as willing to put Christian racists in hell? The blood of Jesus covers every sin.