Besetting Sin

I keep asking myself: When will I be free from these particular issues?

Fear -- child of alarmist mother, grandchild/relative of people who delighted in scaring and terrifying young children.

Worry/Post Traumatic Stress -- And a terrible fear of having to take care of myself. I've been in a state of worry/spiritual divorce/abandonment/ it seems like all my life. I'm hoping in God to help me cast my care on him.

Fear of man, personal history of judgmental people and self-repression -- A terrible inability to tell people when they've hurt me...a fear of hurting them... a fear of being disliked by people. A fear of falling short or being judged by them.

I know most Christians will give an easy answer to it -- cause they are such know-it-alls-- but God is able...even now, after all these years...to heal one like me who is so beset with fear. It's hard to believe in a miracle when one has had a problem for so many years but... if Jesus healed the man at the pool of Bethesda who had been sick for so many years, I know he can healed me. If I CAN BELIEVE and learn to trust him. One moment at a time.


-C

Jesus' Failures

Last night I was thinking about Jesus' failures at his hometown. "He could not to any miracles there, except that he healed a few sick folk, because of their unbelief."

Imagine this:

Jesus heals a few stomach aches, a fever here, a headache there. But in his hometown when he said to the deaf, the blind, people with withered arms, paralyzed people, etc he couldn't heal them. Because in his hometown he couldn't do any mighty miracles because they thought they knew all about him. "Isn't this Jesus whose father and mother we know?" I wonder how Jesus felt when he knew he had the power to heal but the lack of faith was making miracles impossible. The Bible doesn't really say anything about his personal disappointment but he did say, "no prophet is accepted in his own country."

Now another city: Bethsaida were so filled with unbelief and yet many miracles were done in them. Bethsaida was so bad that Jesus had to take a man a long way from the city in order to heal him. JEsus had to pray for the man twice. And Jesus had to tell the man NOT to return to the city after he was healed. And yet he said, Woe to you, Bethsaida and Chorazin! IF the miracles that had been done in your had been done in Sodom and Gomorrah they would have repented.

So one city saw miracles and didn't believe enough to repent. The other city, his hometown, didn't even believe enough to see any miracles. I've got to think about this.

Wanting to see

I so wish i could see a miracle.

Okay, I've seen an angel -- would like to see another one.
I've seen demons -- would NOT want to see another.
I've had strange occurrences and god-winks.

I even got second-hand report of a miracle that happened to someone close to my family. A Haitian woman who was healed of brain cancer in its last stages. But the thing with that is that I didn't know the lady when she was sick. I only got apprised of the miracle when everyone was going wild at the church when the lady was giving her testimony.

So, I want a miracle. I want it in my son's life. I want him to be able to talk. His 18 birthday is coming up. I believe that God has put healing into his body. Like a seed. Now it's my job to believe that it is there...in order that I might see it manifest in the physical. Gotta believe.