Okay I'll admit it

Okay I'll admit it.

Why the heck am I fasting? Is it a glorified diet? Is it the only thing I can do to respond to a vague feeling of uneasiness? Is it my attempt to get rid of my age-old uneasiness at last? I soo wish I was one of those Christian types who had a capacity for inner peace. I just always feel unsettled.

Is it my present crush on Jason Castro -- he of American Idol Fame? Bit of a digression here: Am I hoping to lose 100 pounds and to meet him and he'll fall madly in love with moi? (Dang, I'm vain!...or is it just old-maid desperation?)

It's weird when these crushes jump upon a person. One day one is living a regular life and the next day some young thing appears on the far far horizon and one's thoughts return to one's youth.....ahem.... (Although I have had crushes on older guys. A gay doctor was the last one. And he had a crush on me too, which was pretty par for the course. Me and gay guys seem to hit it off way too well. Lord knows what that tells about me.) The funny thing about being married is that one DOES end up getting little crushes along the way. Mercifully, being married prevents any kind of sinful stuff, but I'm always amazed how when one is stressing in life some sweet young thing always pops up thinking one is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Mercifully, some young thing hasn't popped up lately or lord knows what mental contortions I would be going through. Ah me! But I digress.... Jason is definitely a wonder. Now, along with my other mental to-do's, I now have to change this crush into a maternal caring.

But, returning to my main question:

Why the heck am I fasting? Weight loss desires? Fear of disease and obesity?
Worry about sons? That uneasiness and unsettledness and dread I have had since childhood? That legal stuff bit? Yes, my street cred issue is probably behind all this. Will the day come when the cops will be trying to catch Carole McDonnell ridin' dirty?

Well, I am hoping it's not a glorified diet. I'm hoping I'm fasting because I really want to get close to God and because I'm in a pickle and I know He'll help me out.

Things I've learned in my present attempt to fast (reason why this fasting was bound to fail today) : I can't not eat when I'm alone in the house. PLAIN AND SIMPLE! I just get lonely...and food comforts me until hubby and the kids get home. Worry eating. And I can't go taking away my worry-eating when the family is gone. It'll just make me feel really fragile (Okay, time for another Jason Castro you-tube reference by way of Sting.) So...gotta remind self...fast only when there's a school vacation...or on a weekend. Will start this fast again on Saturday.

And yeah, still thinking of Jason. Gosh, he reminds me of guys I knew in college back in the day. Ah Purchase College... Old Purchase students don't die....they just sell out.

Learning to allow others to make their own mistakes

Hi guys:

Today I'm feeling a bit like a mother hen who is watching three of her chicks make very bad mistakes.

First of all, I shouldn't even be feeling this way about two of those chicks. I'm not even their mom. Which only shows I have to really commit to fasting from speaking in addition to fasting from food.

First chick: older son (the only one I'm presently worried about who IS my chick and who I really have a right to worry about.)

Older son hates his job and has developed a really bad cough since he began working there. It's a factory and there's dust on the floor, cold hallways because doors are always opened. I have told him for the past seven months that he should quit. He coughs terribly at night. But does he listen to me?

Second chick: My divorced friend is madly in love with a married man. I have warned her about this. I love her a lot. I get stressed out when I read an email from her that shows she is totally involved with this guy. Aside from the fact that we are Christians and shouldn't even be getting involved with coveting other folks' husbands, I just don't trust married men who are in love with other women beside their wives. Wait til the marriage is over and the divorce is final, i say.

Third chick: A fellow writer in our critique group left. Her writing was awful but she is self-published and many writers like her. Now, in my experience I have met many self-published writers who are great...and many self-published writers who are bad. This woman was terrible. Several folks emailed me privately that they simply could not make it through her writing. But I, like a fool, actually critiqued her stuff. She immediately pulled the story from the group and now two weeks later left. The fact is I want her published...by a real publishing company. And as long as she thinks she knows everything (or gets afraid when showed how difficult writing really is) she's not going to get published.

So here I am. Trying to learn my boundaries. Trying not to feel rejected because someone is human and simply refuses to take my all-knowing all-loving advice. I've not taken advice...so I shouldn't be so high-and-mighty about folks not taking my advice.

Even so, it hurts as heck and it feels like rejection when someone simply isn't listening. That, my friends, is not sane. I shouldn't be so invested in my advice or in other folks' lives. A hard road for a Christian and for a person who generally likes people. So, I've got to learn to let it go. Balance. Balance. May Jesus teach me balance.

Thinking of food

Well, here it is ...the seventh day of my fast and I find myself thinking of food. Not really lusting for meat or anything but this not eating meat is certainly making me realize what a crappy uncreative cook I am.

It's easy just to take out chicken and make chicken soup. Or beef soup. Or whatever. But on a fast, one really has to think. And then one starts thinking of variety and supplements. I mean...this morning I ate a banana and some nuts because I dreamt my old gyno told me I needed potassium. (Reminds me...gotta get some orange juice and make an orange juice banana smoothie.)

I have some cabbage in the house. Maybe I'll make it with Kasha tonight for dinner. Cabbage, as well all know, lasts forever in the fridge. But should it? Shouldn't we eat it way more often....for our health? Even if we don't like the taste? All taht beta-carotene.

God made so many great foods, but eating meat makes us a bit unconcious as we cook because we don't really have to learn to explore all those other foods. Today for lunch I'm gonna make a mango banana smoothie. This flu is a bitch so I'm not gonna go outside to get any pomegranates. But imagine it...the tongue (supposedly) has the ability to taste and sense about 10,000 different tastes. And we made a God who loves us so much he made stuff to fill all our senses. Okay, then...gotta commit. So that when I'm off this fast, I'll reallyl stop being lazy about fruits and veggies.

Rubber hits the road part II

Okay, so hubby annoyed me no heck last night by doing something he should've known better not to do.

Stuck as I am in a fast, the right and holy thing to do is to be loving, be forgiving, try to keep the chin up...and in general let the spirit triumph over the habits of the flesh. By habits I mean: my easy tendency to keep a grudge, indulge in sexy daydreams of whoever my soul is lusting for this week, and keep a relentless mighty powerful silent treatment going. Alas I am so much of a carnal christian so much of the time...it's a bit of a battle not to allow the wrong emotions to take over.

But I'm in the middle of a fast. And I have to ask myself: am I serious about trying to get the healing God has already placed in my spirit to transform my body? Am I serious about doing anything to get my son's healing to manifest? Yeah, yeah...I guess I AM kinda serious. The thing, of course (to my carnal mind anyway) is to manage to forgive my husband and yet to manage to make the guy feel guilty (which he really should rightly feel cause he was totally wrong.)

I know God isn't like that. God doesn't hold it over us when he forgives us. He doesn't make us suffer and squirm and wallow in regret before deigning to forgive us. You see: that's what I dislike about God. I kinda wish He'd let folks who have wronged me suffer quite a bit before forgiving them. Of course, I am never in need of His forgiveness. I'm pretty perfect. ::smile::

Okay, adelante. I'm on a fast. I can't afford to mess it up with a silent treatment. Let's see what I'll do to bring peace to hubby.....and still kinda feel I've made him suffer....and still kinda help my ego think it's won the game.

Making Spirit Stronger

Ah gee! The fight between the spirit (listening to God's voice within, reading the Bible, praying, fasting, loving one's neighbor) and the flesh (anger, fear, overeating, eating the wrong thing, lust, vain imaginings, an unruly tongue)

So here I am...fasting and committing to making my spirit stronger. Am telling my flesh everyday, "You cannot rule me." Am trying my best not to say whatever sad or angry or negative thing that comes to my mouth. Am telling my spirit, "You control me! You can tell this body what to do! The body has to give in."

Fruits, veggies, yogurt.

I succumbed to my body yesterday. Older son had some apple jacks (or was it froot loops?) And next thing I knew...I was munching them. I who am supposed to be not eating gluten or sugar or food with food coloring. But it's a new day.

The spirit says not to give up. I won't...even if I fall back a little sometimes. It'd be nice to go through one entire day without failing in this fast thing...but God is good.

Fasting for love

I am totally convinced that if I were to feel the power of God's love...liquid love pouring into my soul...that I will be healed. I mean a hefty dose of the realization of God's love.

So many illnesses are rooted in the fact that we don't feel loved, or we were rejected. I really believe this.

So many things separate us from God, or prevent us from receiving from Him. And one of those things is we don't really get how very much He loves us.

Now, I know He loves me. But alas, that knowledge isn't enough to give me the peace that passes understanding. It isn't enough to make me stop worrying about this that and t'other.

Hence, the fast. I am going to show my reliance on God --my need for Him and His love-- by telling this body o mine that food is not its real comforter. (Okay, I'll have to give up sex too because St Paul hints that we should give up sex when we fast also.)

I feel God is pulling me towards Him, so that I may know His love and not fall into the hurt-fear-snares that humans bring us. I already think this fast is working...and I'm only on the second day. This morning I was emailing someone and got into a discussion about sin in which I was very honest that although she is an atheist she is way too moralistic. I actually was brave enough to speak honestly. That's not something I am wont to do. So, something is happening within my soul. I'm losing my desire to have humans think well of me. I'm losing my fears of being myself. I'm losing my fear of appearing rude (which was always weird because the folks being rude to me never seemed to care that THEY themselves were being rude.)

All I want is to feel the love of God. I have never craved anything so badly. Let's hope a craving for chicken -- or mere laziness that makes me pick up the thing absent-mindfully and eat it-- won't get in the way of this deeper craving. If I know that God loves me, if I sense His care for me, my heart will be healed of many wounds. And healing will be able to flow better through me. Because I will know and want only God. Only God.