Anointed For One's Burial

"She hath done what she could: she is come aforehand to anoint my body to the burying." Mark 14:8


Okay, so this verse is on my mind today because I listened to a sermon by Esther Ibanga called "anointed for my burial." I


And it connected to me because it really made me think of taking up my cross, dying to self, crucifying the world to my heart, the fear of man. Much It has to do with my WIP, The Constant Tower. I find that I'm engaging in a kind of self-repression. It's as if I'm afraid to go through the same walk I went through with Wind Follower...so anything that's religious in CT is being squelched. (Yeah, I know...Wind Follower got published by a traditional and respected publisher and got some great critical reviews and nominations...and ...even Publishers Weekly liked it. But there were those two nasty reviewers I have yet to forgive. And the journey of submitting a flaky novel is scarily faithy.) Honestly, whenever my characters say something vaguely religious I cringe. I'm like... PLEASE DO NOT SAY THAT! WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS BOOK ABOUT RELIGION?


And so I'm kinda not allowing the story to come out the way it should. Heck, I'm even looking back at My Life as an Onion and saying, "Oh, gee! Why did I include the religious thing in that book?"


I so wish -- really, i do-- that I were more typical and less weird. The sad, sad, sad truth is that I am quite odd. Oh, okay, normal folks always say how odd they are...and that they have idiosyncracies.  But honestly, they're not that odd. Or maybe their oddness is on a scale of acceptability that mine can never really make. So I'm always terribly afraid to let all that concerns me be in my novel. And yet, there's this weird part of me that puts it into my novels anyway. 


So, Onion is a black christian YA book but it's not a typical black christian YA book. The character is plainly Christian but frank sexual discussions abound. The character is black and race is a big part of the story but not really. And the characters are super-educated. And now I wait to hear what Delacorte will say. I'm hoping they see how good it is. But wow! what if they don't want it? Would I be willing to remove the quirkiness and the frank sexual discussions and tone it down for a Christian publishing company? What would I do with it? Although weirdly, I'm not too afraid Onion won't find a home. What with all those godwinks, I think God has told me He's aware of it and will get it published. But how can I write CT without any of those godwinks? Can I truly walk in faith when I don't have a godwink guiding me along?


Anyway, in Esther Ibanga's sermon, she basically talks about the woman with the alabastar jar anointing Jesus and after that all hell broke loose in the form of Judas' betrayal, the disciples fleeing, the religious people turning on him, to solitary suffering in the garden. She says, "Lots of ministers want the anointing to pray powerfully, to do all sorts of great things, but do they want the anointing for their burial? 


So now I'm thinking...am I willing to be "anointed for our burial?" Could I be anointed to go into the wilderness? To go through a fire? I sooo hate any kind of judgment or snideness from my peers. I HATE rejection. There are kinds of Christianity that are somewhat safe. For instance, the world isn't gonna get into a fight with an Episcopalian -- we American Episcopalians can be pretty trendy and easy-going about stuff like homosexuality, etc. Then there is a Biblical Christianity that is safe for other Biblical Christians: if one goes around being cookie-cutter, conservative, "normal," "happy," and "thorns in the flesh," cake-bakes, prosperity and doesn't talk about stuff like too much about extreme stuff like deliverance, the evils of the conservatives as well as the progressives, the evils of American imperialism, healing the sick, raising the dead, not loving the world or the things in it, etc...


Also thinking -- cause I have a morbid streak-- if God were to tell me I was to die...would he anoint me in a way that enables me to accept it and go through the valley of the shadow of death normally.


As a Christian writer, I guess there is a kind of anointing that can come. But if one is a Christian writer --or even a regular person-- who wants to speak of certain unsafe things.... that anointing is definitely necessary. 


 "Father God, let me do what I need to do so I can be who you want me to be so I can write the stories you want me to write. Remove from me the fear of man and let me be anointed for dying to self and to this world. I ask all this in Jesus' name. Amen." 

Resolution: No more silence before my accusers

I have a very bad habit which has caused me much trouble over the years. Weird thing is, this troublesome habit which causes me trouble is something I do to avoid trouble. Must think, must think.

I tend to be silent before my accusers. (I'm talking about friends in real life, not internet folks whom I can always snap at.) The thing is I hate disagreeing with folks.

This isn't the sane spiritual thing of "not railing against a person" or "returning tit for tat" or behaving like Jesus who opened not His mouth when accused or turning the other cheek. It's nothing that sane. My problem is  sitting still (or standing still) in utter silence while someone accuses you of something you have not done (or someone projects something onto you that you aren't.) I'll admit that when I was a teenager, I thought that sitting around being accused was the spiritual sane thing to do. But I wasn't spiritually sane then, I was bullied and repressed and fearful of challenging the adults around me. But I'm "all growed up now" so why the heck am I still behaving repressed when dealing with other adults? Is it because I don't think I'm an adult in some way? Is it because I am basically a peaceful person and hate arguments? Is it because I want to appear to be a basically peaceful person even with idiots I don't want to remain friends with? And why the heck do I continue to be silent even when I do NOT want to be friends with these accusers? Shouldn't I use the opportunity to totally tell them off and to speak my mind in my own defense? Why can't I open my mouth and defend myself?

Ah, questions, questions.

Since this is the year in which I'm aiming to lose my repressions, I really have to work on it. Not that I'm gonna go around writing letters to everyone in the past telling them all about their wrong perceptions of me in the past...but starting now...if anyone accuses me -- demon, friend, family, or foe-- I'm gonna have to speak up.Cause seriously, I have RUINED many a good story by using a plot line to explain myself or to show someone how wrong her projections are. Not that human cruelty makes for awful storywriting, but I can't substitute telling my truth in a novel as a real-life real-time defense

I remember a day my mother came to visit. I was about 25 maybe. I was reading a Christian book on meditation with the word ecstasy in the title. (Somehow the name "Morton Kelsey" comes to mind but I'm too lazy right now to look up the internet.) My mother saw this book and said with heavy rebuke, "Carole, you shouldn't read dirty books like this."

Okay, so why didn't I just say "Ma, the book is about Christian mystics like Theresa of Avila." I just stood there. I do that kinda thing ALL the time. I simply allow folks to project onto me or say weird things and I sit there (or stand there.) It's not a religious thing with me. When I'm standing there stunned looking amazed and confused (which my accusers interpret as guilt) I don't think: "Oh, look how spiritually patient I'm being with this person who is assuming stuff about me and projecting this weird thing on me." NOPE. I think, "What is wrong with me? Why can't I open my mouth and defend myself?"

Ah, me, what a life? At fifty-two trying to figure out how to stand up for myself? Trying to figure out not to be stressed when I open my mouth to some cruel (or not so cruel) person projecting their crap all over me? Ah me, better late than never. God, I'm trusting you to help me on this. Cause even Jesus defended Himself to some folks. And I'm not gonna wait til I'm dead and resurrected for projectors to see that they wronged me.

Now, back to revising Constant Tower....which is all about a kid who at least defends himself.

Psalm 44

This psalm really speaks to me. It speaks to anyone who seeks the "living" God. I read it this morning while I read Hebrews 4

It's one thing to worship a distant God who one must surrender to, who is praised but whom one doesn't really have any relationship with. With a far-off God one can believe what one wants to believe. One can have any kind of theology because chances are nothing can "prove" you wrong. But when one serves a living God and asks him for blessings, healings, etc. That's when the rubber hits the road.

So here we have the psalmist saying: our spiritual fathers, our grandparents, etc, all told us about all the great things you did back in the day. They even told us that you fought us. They rested in you! But we don't see any of this in our lifetime or in our own afflictions. What's going on here, God?

When I was reading Hebrews this morning, I once again realized that the entire book speaks about the rest of God...especially the rest found in the living word. Sometimes we read the Bible and suddenly the writer of the book we're reading -- Holy Spirit and the human he inspired to write-- makes some weird comment that doesn't seem to make sense in the context. Then one realizes that was what he was talking about all along. Hebrews 4:1 begins with a discussion of the rest of God and states that the gospel was told to the people in Moses day. Those Israelites were baptized in the water and ate of the passover lamb. Then suddenly at Hebrews 4:12 he suddenly says The Word of God is living and active. I'm like..."What?" But then, I said, YES! YES! You have been talking about the word all along. The rest of God.

Psalm 44

1We have heard with our ears, O God, our fathers have told us, what work thou didst in their days, in the times of old.
2How thou didst drive out the heathen with thy hand, and plantedst them; how thou didst afflict the people, and cast them out.
3For they got not the land in possession by their own sword, neither did their own arm save them: but thy right hand, and thine arm, and the light of thy countenance, because thou hadst a favour unto them.
4Thou art my King, O God: command deliverances for Jacob.
5Through thee will we push down our enemies: through thy name will we tread them under that rise up against us.
6For I will not trust in my bow, neither shall my sword save me.
7But thou hast saved us from our enemies, and hast put them to shame that hated us.
8In God we boast all the day long, and praise thy name for ever. Selah.
9But thou hast cast off, and put us to shame; and goest not forth with our armies.
10Thou makest us to turn back from the enemy: and they which hate us spoil for themselves.
11Thou hast given us like sheep appointed for meat; and hast scattered us among the heathen.
12Thou sellest thy people for nought, and dost not increase thy wealth by their price.
13Thou makest us a reproach to our neighbours, a scorn and a derision to them that are round about us.
14Thou makest us a byword among the heathen, a shaking of the head among the people.
15My confusion is continually before me, and the shame of my face hath covered me,
16For the voice of him that reproacheth and blasphemeth; by reason of the enemy and avenger.
17All this is come upon us; yet have we not forgotten thee, neither have we dealt falsely in thy covenant.
18Our heart is not turned back, neither have our steps declined from thy way;
19Though thou hast sore broken us in the place of dragons, and covered us with the shadow of death.
20If we have forgotten the name of our God, or stretched out our hands to a strange god;
21Shall not God search this out? for he knoweth the secrets of the heart.
22Yea, for thy sake are we killed all the day long; we are counted as sheep for the slaughter.
23Awake, why sleepest thou, O Lord? arise, cast us not off for ever.
24Wherefore hidest thou thy face, and forgettest our affliction and our oppression?
25For our soul is bowed down to the dust: our belly cleaveth unto the earth.
26Arise for our help, and redeem us for thy mercies' sake.

The New Shape of World Christianity: How American Experience Reflects Global Faith

The New Shape of World Christianity: How American Experience Reflects Global Faith 
Mark A. Noll (InterVarsity academic)

Hardcover: 212 pages

Publisher: Intervarsity Press (June 1, 2009)

Language: English

ISBN-10: 0830828478

ISBN-13: 978-0830828470

The Growing Seed, Fallow Ground, Sheep, Milk

We were reading Proverbs 27 this morning and the following section really spoke to me.

Be thou diligent to know the state of thy flocks, and look well to thy herds.

For riches are not for ever: and doth the crown endure to every generation?

The hay appeareth, and the tender grass sheweth itself, and herbs of the mountains are gathered.

The lambs are for thy clothing, and the goats are the price of the field.

And thou shalt have goats' milk enough for thy food, for the food of thy household, and for the maintenance for thy maidens. Proverbs 27:23-27

At first one could think about it as a kind of verse about accounting and good stewardship. And I guess I could see how it might be speaking about my books and my fabric designs (seeds sown) fields (where I sowed or marketed them) and when the money starts trickling then flowing in. But the more I thought of it, the more it seemed to me that the passage can also be about the process of how we deal with the riches of God's word that is sowed in the fallow or fertile fields of our hearts.


So many times we hear Bible verses preached to us by those who - it seems, anyway-- have just heard a word but who have not really digested it. Consider ministers who talk about why folks are or aren't healed -- yet those ministers have never healed anyone. Or folks who talk about the power of the word -- yet they don't have the full flower of the sowed word in their lives.


So many things in the Bible is about "growing" ....and endurance and patience is often about growing. 
So for now this verse is meaning this to me: we hear the word of God as a seed. But we can't eat the seed immediately. We eat seeds and the seeds grow silently as we digest the word and soon becomes a seed. Then the tender grass will grow in our lives (which might take a while.) Then after we fully have digested the word and broken up our fallow field. Then we can feed the sheep the "tender grass" and the sheep can grow from what we have learned slowly and deeply. And after that they give milk to us. Interesting that loop. We give to the sheep and they give to us. So we don't take spiritual seed primarily for ourselves. There is always giving seed and milk to each other. Until we all get stronger in using and understanding the word of God. 

It connects to the following verses.

An inheritance obtained too early in life is not a blessing in the end. Proverbs 20:21

He told them another parable: "The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Matthew 13:31

He said, "The Kingdom of God is as if a man should cast seed on the earth, and should sleep and rise night and day, and the seed should spring up and grow, he doesn't know how. For the earth bears fruit: first the blade, then the ear, then the full grain in the ear. But when the fruit is ripe, immediately he puts forth the sickle, because the harvest has come."

— Mark 4:26-29

Reminding myself again about the only cure for this hypochondria

It's terrible to be sick and to have battles with hypochondria. It's terrible to be fat and to have battles with hypochondria or cancer-phobia or diabetes-phobia. Why? Because the world trains people. And the stuff the world teaches us is often so counter to truth. 

(Digression here: I finally had to stop watching two of my favorite TV shows because I am getting so tired of  divorce, marriage drama, sudden accidents, cancer, being used to further the plots. Sure, I know this is something done by screenwriters but it has its effect. People are constantly getting divorced or dropping girlfriends and husbands on TV in situations that are trumped up to be meaningful. I have no doubt this kinda stuff affects people's minds. Such plot tropes are seeds and they plant weeds in the minds of young (and not-so-young) brains.  Okay, digression ends.)

So, anyway, it is very hard to live in a world as a reasonable person because reasonableness is defined as fear. Fear is seen as rationale and adult, hope and trust and trusting God is seen as childish. In fact we live in a world where many Biblical truths are undermined and treated as fairytales. Hope is maligned and even the idea of the power to create our world through our words is mocked. 

Fear creates negative emotions in the body. It creates negative reactions in our actions. There is a spiritual power in the world trying to make us fear. The spirit of fear rules the media. Pundits everywhere talk about how we should fear disease, job loss, Alzhemiers, dementia. But the Bible tells us over and over to conquer fear by trusting in the love of God and by loving our neighbors. 

In Timothy: 

God didn't give us the spirit of fear but one of power, love, and a sound mind. 

In 1 John: 

There is no fear in love but perfect love casts out fear. 

In the Proverbs:

When you lie down, you will not be afraid. As you lie there, your sleep will be sweet.

Do not be afraid of sudden terror or of the destruction of wicked people when it comes.

The LORD will be your confidence. He will keep your foot from getting caught. 

Do not hold back anything good from those who are entitled to it when you have the power to do so.
When you have the good thing with you, do not tell your neighbor, "Go away! Come back tomorrow. I'll give you something then."
Do not plan to do something wrong to your neighbor while he is sitting there with you and suspecting nothing.
Do not quarrel with a person for no reason if he has not harmed you.
Do not envy a violent person. Do not choose any of his ways. Proverbs 3:24-31

1 Peter 3:8-11

Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous:Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.

For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile:
Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it.
For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil.

We are to demolish arguments against God's power. And we are to take captive all the thoughts and making it obedient to Christ's power and love. We have to use the Philippians filter: we have to think of whatever is lovely, true, noble, admirable, faithful, trustworthy, beautiful, of good report, true, virtuous, excellent, praiseworthy. We are to think about out thoughts.

So upshot: I have decided to believe that I am not dying of some horrible disease and to believe that God will keep me well. And if he sees me heading toward sickliness, he is faithful and loving enough to tell me how  to keep healthy. So right now... since God hasn't told me I am dying, I will believe I am healthy.

God will keep those in perfect emotional, spiritual, and physical peace who trust in Him.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus; Look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace. 

American Babylon: Notes of a Christian Exile

American Babylon: Notes of a Christian Exile

• Hardcover: 288 pages
• Publisher: Basic Books (March 16, 2009)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0465013678
• ISBN-13: 978-0465013678

Also:

Looking Toward the New Jerusalem
Here's the blurb:

Dark Parable (Vision): The Burning City

Okay, so this morning:


I had a vision of a large city criss-crossed through with rivers. It was a very modern city with high-rises and all the city was ablaze. The fire occurred at night, or it was nighttime when i was seeing it at its most powerful.  The view was a night-time aerial view so I could see the outline of the skycrapers and the outline of the cities and fire everywhere with the rivers running through. It looked as if the city was utterly devastated. The entire city. Not just a part of it. That city was so destroyed it would take years to rebuild it if at all. It didn't look like New York, but it felt like a city where several rivers met. I kept trying to se clear to see what city it was but I was too far away. I couldn't see the writing, but it had many skyscrapers and was surrounded by rivers. (A thought: when I h ad the vision of the seashore with the birds, that was a vision of water. And it took place a few weeks before the Japan tsunami. But I still don't think that the vision I saw was of Japan. So here, I don't think this vision was of New York. But it might have been.  -- or might be-- it felt like a city surrounded by rivers but the rivers themselves were inside land.)