Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Fears, doggie, wellness

Kitty is standing here looking totally wet, covered with doggy saliva. Doggy always to slobber all over her. Sometimes he gets her head in his mouth. He's like the bullying older brother. HE just annoys and threatens her....then kisses her. Can't quite figure him out. But I remember the first time they met. She was so terrified. Then for two days she was afraid of him. By the fourth day, she was fearless and swatting him.

I think about that a lot. Fear is an interesting thing. To lose fear in two days. It seemed like a deeply spiritual thing to me. We humans carry fear for so long. I know some animals who do that but on the whole they don't unless they've been abused. When I think of what fear and fearing has done to me, I think of my mother, my uncle, and my grandfather who pretty much terrified me. My mother was a nurse and an alarmist. Fear of disaster, fear of disease, on every side. They trained my heart to fear...and my soul never could trust in God or "rest" in him and his love. Isn't that pitiful?

I think of the verse in the Bible -- one of my favorites-- Hagar's "You God see me." What a wonderful phrase. So essential. That alone could be something one can build one's spirituality on. God--the omnipresent, omniscient, all-loving one-- sees/understands little old me. Isn't it sad that we humans should find it so hard to trust in God? How twisted and lost and confused the human soul is!

Anyway, am feeling better now. The past two months filled me with all kinds of terror, but the judges have been so kind. So I have faced fears and the judges have been merciful and to my son. So the fears are mostly subsided (still gotta fight against them, though) and I'm feeling better. Although I should have been feeling better simply by trusting God's word and not feel better simply because I "see" that life is better. Anyway, now that I'm better. Avoiding gluten, drinking tonna water, sitting in the sun -- reading-- to get my circadian rhythm together.

Am gonna ask my little friend -- actually, he's not that little anymore. I've known him since he was 13 and I was 26-- who is an artist and the son of a local chinese restaurant owner ....if he ever goes down to Chinatown. I have the address of a really good Chinese herbalist down there..an old Chinese doctor from China who works in a Chinese health center down there near Canal street. My friend went there and he gave her some herbs that -- ready for this?-- made her fibroids fall out. The way she described it it was like passing liver. No, I won't go on and disgust you further. But I am so tired of western medicine and I need a doc who I really trust. It's just that the herbalist is very wary of giving certain herbs to non-Chinese folks. I figure if my friend goes down there to get stuff he can go with me. Will see.

In the meantime, I'll do what God and alternative folks have told me to do. God made us uncomplicated in many ways. It's amazing how many illnesses are rooted in one thing: fear, or dehydration or whatever. So....gotta drink my water, gotta stop fearing. Gotta rest in God's word. And why should I rest in God's word? Because the word of God is alive and powerful and sharper than any two-edged sword?

Will be reading my concordance today. I love reading concordances.
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