Now, I am not the kind of person who flies into a rage when I'm angry. I'm way too repressed for that. I tend to seethe and get really distant and cold. Now, the first thing we have to do in coming to God is to forgive other people. The Lord's prayer makes it clear. We're not forgiven because we ask God to forgives us -- contrary to popular religion. We are forgiven because we forgive. And we cannot receive any answer to prayer unless we forgive. EVER. No wonder the folks in the church are powerless...we all have issues with folks.
Mark 11:24-26 (King James Version)
24Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.
25And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.
26But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses.
If anyone has something against us, we must leave the altar and go and win our brother back. The obligation for forgiveness is lain on the shoulder of the one praying. You have to begin by forgiving those people. So there I was...wanting to scream. I mean, what can one do with someone who perpetually does the one thing you beg him not to? And what if you have lost all hope in the hubby even changing? And what if younger son's getting a nasty headache and a bad tummy because too-kind hubby
has given him gluten and casein (wheat, rice, oats, and milk) when you have specifically begged him not to?
Well -- being the writer and escapist that I am-- I began thinking that some other hubby would be better for my son than his dad. Let's get this clear: I'm pudgy, 49, and battling illness...but I think if I go out of this marriage to my too-nice hubby I'm going to find some rich thing who will take care of hubby and me. Yes, I know...but delusion is my strong suit. Actually, it really isn't. Alas. I can see through my silliness and any temptation for the most part.
But hubby was still p*ssing me off. So I didn't run off to Anderson Cooper (or his Japanese unmarried equivalent) but I did get into the old "I am simply not going to have sex with this guy until he realizes he's doing in his own kid by refusing to stand firm on this casein/gluten thing. Now, I understand that autism is fast growing as one of the great marriage destroyers -- behind finances, weird mother-in-laws, illness and adultery. We've weathered all but adultery. And honestly, it must've been God keeping us together. (Or maybe we're just so dang nice or so dang lazy.)
But enough of my rambling. It was quite tough being cold and sex-denying -- yes, imagine my pudgy self on the bed, but hey, hubby loves me. And it was even tougher because there he was undressing at night and looking so totally hot. Yes, my husband is a cutie...and it's not just me thinking that: his mother thinks so too. But then there was the desperate desire to be as conscience-clear in my prayer life as I could be. So there I was: "Lord, I can't pray to you tonight because I'm seriously annoyed with this man and besides I'm daydreaming about the Japanese Anderson Cooper equivalent." Okay, I could do that for one or two nights. But was I able to sacrifice my prayer life for spite and anger...even if the cause is right? (BTW, I'm 75% right in all our disagreements.)
Matthew 5:22-24 (King James Version)
22But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.
23Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee;
24Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.
Dang! Isn't that annoying! And it happens a zillion times. You're about to take communion and suddenly God brings this person to your mind. And you know he wants you to do it. And often it's someone in your own church. Or your family. Or it's your spouse. (I will not kill my husband, I will not kill my husband.)
I'm always amazed that there are so many infighting in churches. Doesn't the church realize that Paul makes it clear that the prayers of a family, the prayers of a husband and wife, the prayers of a church will not be answered if folks are hating on each other?
Ephesians 4:30-32 (King James Version)
30And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
31Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
32And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
1 Peter 3:6-8 (King James Version)
7Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
8Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous:
Note that Paul says we must be kind to the weak. Not a lot of folks do that. My husband is just too kind.
We've found a new snack for the kid: Trail Mix. He picks out the M&M's and throws the rest on the ground. But at least it doesn't have gluten or casein. That we know of. Will see. God's word is working mightily...and once again my sex life is fine.
Lord, for your glory, let us attain to fully receiving healing for my son. And for me too. For your glory, Lord. For your glory. Amen.