Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Dark Parable: godwink

My dreamlet: I dreamed of being on a hill with my hubby. We had bought a patch of land. A woman who bought a patch of land beside ours was sitting on a bench nearby. We were to build houses on that land. I wanted to ask her for her patch of land, that we could switch. But then I thought about it. It would be a good thing or it could be a committment to something that might not turn out to be good. I kept thinking, "What if we switch and build the house on the patch of land that she originally bought and it turns out to have been the wrong decision down the line?" But for some reason, I kinda liked where our house would be situated.

Was wondering if the indecision dream is God challenging me to decide. Hard for him to answer a prayer if I'm vacillating. Sooo weird. Am reading a book and I keep reaching sections which mirror these dreams. It's as if God prepared me for the book. Same thing happened with a website I visit. The Lord does go before his people to prepare a place.

The upshot of this particular chapter in the book is: A) the brain doesn't make decisions, the heart (under God's control) does. B) small minds can make decisions. C) Great minds (like that belonging to yours truly) sees the pros and cons of every decision so they end up with analysis paralysis. D) Back to A: Decide what your heart wants.

There are so many other echoes of past dreamlets in this book. Who knew I'd be reviewing this book? God did.

I think about the inability to dream with the heart. Being sick for a long time can do that. One becomes mired in pros and cons, practicalities, the fear of jumping from the frying pan into the fire. When you've been sick and your child is sick, change tends to bring worse stuff not better...so one accepts the status quo. The devil we fear as opposed to the devil we don't know.

I'm thinking again about St Thomas and that his unbelief wasn't rooted in a disbelief in the irrational but in pessimism -- a belief that good stuff, let alone good supernatural stuff could simply not happen to him, that life was primarily a melancholy business. Prayers are answered from the heart, not from the minds. And I have to work at this attuning my heart to dream and hope again.

So now what have I learned? That God wants me to hope wonderfully and to not be questioning myself in certain things, to live and experiment with life a bit more fearlessly. To risk. And the fact that he made me have tons of dreamlets to prepare me for this book -- which by the way is by Katrina Bos and which is called Why not skip the Cancer?" shows me his love and immediacy in my life. Will see. Can a woman almost 50 who's been sick for so long and whose son has been sick for so long learn to dream hopeful dreams again?

Lord, let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be always acceptable in your sight. Oh Lord, my strength and my redeemer.

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