Malibu Shark Attack
I spent most of the weekend in bed watching true crime shows but a coupla dramas creeped in. In Malibu Shark Attack an under-ocean earthquake produces a tsunami and allows (I'll say this with a straight face although the CGI was perfectly awful) prehistoric shark to escape from wherever they were living their prehistoric life. Now, most of the coast is under water because of the tsunami and our three couples are stuck surrounded by water in the little lifeguard shack to which they had fled. (Still trying to keep a straight face. After all, this is creature features.)
When the story begins, I thought, "uhm, the pacing is all off. It's taking an awfully long time to set up the first bit of flesh-chomping by these sharks!" Then I realized that I hadn't quite realized what the director was doing. I'm supposed to be lusting after the youthful flesh of all the studly men and gorgeous babes lounging in blissful ignorance on the beach. Okay, so that done, the movie speeds up a bit. Or rather it kinda speeds up and slows down at the same time. For the benefit of getting our heroes saved, mind you. So we have another wave from the tsunami attempting to rush toward land. But wait: the tsunami kinda waits for the heroine to be saved -- the rich guys in the parasail get chomped on by simply landing in the ocean for a second but she falls into the water, flails around and generally does her nails amidst the sharks and manages to be rescued by gorgeous jetski guy.) So the tsunami -- and the shark-- chase the jetski and the jetski beats them to shore. Then shark that's been following jetski has a stomach ache and vomits up bits and pieces of human body parts while the woman's rescuer friends say "should we shoot him? No, let's not. He's a prehistoric specimen. No, shoot him. No, don't shoot him." All the while the shark is on the edge of the shore being very still and quiet while rescuers stand near him afraid he'll kill one of them. (Note: everyone else on the beach has fled because of the approaching wave which is seen kinda hanging out in the ocean waiting for the shark scene to end.) Finally the sharpshooter lifeguard, who happened to carry his gun to the beach (cause he was going hunting later on) shoots the prehistoric way too quiet beast and everyone looks up and sees the wave coming, and then the wave kinda receives permission to begin rolling toward shore. Then devastation. (Okay, the radio says California is devastated. We just see an establishing shot of some drenched city -- probably old FEMA footage) and voila, the story begins.
I cannot tell you how absolutely unscary this film was. IT tried a couple of times to surprise us -- like when the heroine who had previously escaped one of the prehistoric sharks by jetski-- suddenly gets yanked down by a shark. (Imagine Samuel L Jackson being killed in Deep Blue Sea. Kinda unexpected. I suppose we were supposed to think, "Oh my God! Heather just got killed. She was the toughest and most experienced of them. Now whatever shall these young gorgeous babes and studs do?" But anyone who would think such a thing hasn't seen enough movies. Heather and her new fiance had been making mad passionately love in the lifeguard tower minutes before the disaster. Everyone who's ever seen horror flick folks making love or seen someone on the verge of a change-of-life (marriage, retirement, new baby on the way) KNOWS full well that unfortunately, that's a big signal that a certain someone's not gonna make it. I kinda thought her hubby-to-be would go first, though. Honestly, though, the actress who plays Heather was kinda unknown to me. Thus she didn't have that gravitas or expectation of living to the end of the film. Sorry.
The most wonderful Indie relationship film called Pizza. An obese girl meets a very easygoing and way hot pizza delivery guy on her birthday. He takes her on his route. Just a really interesting touching film about friendship. Sweet people all around, except for the teenagers. And funny.
Cara: Mom, how did you survive high school?
Mom: I don't think I have.
Best lines #2:
Matt to Cara: What do you want from me?
Cara to Matt: Just some acknowledgment that everything is not all right.
Then there was Disturbia. Loved that one. First I love Shia LeBoeuf. Totally love that kid. Next I'm a sucker for adaptation. And this is a kind of teen YA version of Rear Window, one of the best Hitchcock films about the camera's ability to snoop and peep into folks' lives.
Shia's character is stuck at home under house arrest after playing a prank which amounts to a felony. A serial killer is being searched for. That's all the news on the TV but Shia doesn't care about that. He's stuck at home and looking on the daily lives of everyone in his neighbor hood. Depending on which room he's in, he can see the gorgeous teenaged girl who just moved into the neighborhood, the adulterous husband, the two little kids who are making his life miserable, and so so so much more. Of course he'll see and suspect that murderer is nearby.
That's all I saw. I went to bed. I can't stay up past a particular time. Yeah, I know. But will have to see the rest when it's on later. Really wanted to see the end.
Today is a Dirty Jobs marathon on Discovery Channel. Will be there...unless Disturbia shows up.
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