Friday, May 20, 2011

Vain Imaginings: Return of an old fantasy

So there I was feeling fairly sane ....when suddenly this Arnold Schwarzenegger mistress thing pops up. And what happens? Some dying-but-not-quite-dead thing in my soul arises.

Back in the day -- when I was way more sexually insecure than I am now-- I'd have the most amazing (if I do say so myself) sexual power fantasy. Okay, I'm not as bad as my friend who always fantasized about being the madam of a brothel but I was pretty bad.

I'd fantasize about being the secret (second, or first) wife of some powerful Japanese businessman. I could write great novels from some of my fantasizing...but ya know... because I have such a serious case of morbid introspection ... I probably couldn't enjoy the fantasy...and the book would be so much navel-gazing soul-baring. Which isn't bad, but well, it wouldn't be fun. I really don't think I could write a fun book about any of my fantasies.

Anyways, thinking about Miss "Patty" and her betrayal of her boss and friend Maria Shriver. What the heck was going on there? Love??? Nah! Needy unhappily-married woman with powerful-man-whose-ego-needs-stroking? Minority/poor woman desirous of undermining her boss? Okay, I vote for the second and third and really for the third.

Now this is where the fun (and sin) begins. As a minority woman, I've gotta say I was way pleased that the secret mistress in question was hispanic. AND overweight! But --and this is where the guilt begins-- the woman was also the friend of her boss. Alas, for all my fantasizing as possible secret wife and femme fatale...I have never ever seen myself as betraying a friend.

No, that doesn't make me good and Miss "Patty" evil. It just makes me think I value friendship over quickie sex that might ruin a friendship.

Let us imagine this situation... even if I'm on the side of a short, fat, overweight, minority woman. The deceit involved, the sense of cruelty, the guiltlessness, the spite and power issues. Okay, let's not imagine it.

So, yeah, while this situation reminds me of some of the fantasies I used to indulge in when I was younger. Fantasies in which ...well, I will spare you...

Let's just say... I could not actually go all the way with this kind of thing in real life. As an older adult or as a needy young kid. I just couldn't betray a friend. And yes, I'm one of those women who cannot read novels where one woman betrays her friend because of some man. I just never bought the rationalization the main character/adulteress came up with (or that the author came up for her.) Partly because I can see through sin really easily and partly because I can see through my own rationalizing bullshit..and once I recognize the fact that I'm bullshitting I always make my main character realize he is bullshitting also. Yeah, my characters haven't the ability to bullshit and rationalize away their evils.  Nor would they want to.

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