I had the operation for the lumpectomy on Tuesday. Before that, all Monday night, I was up telling my hubby luke all about my death and cemetery arrangements. Yes, I am that morbid. But it's from getting no sleep for 20 years. It colors the mind. So I was thinking was pretty sure i would die so was quite weepy at the hospital but wiped my teas everytime th e nurses came in. But the funny thing was i was also cracking jokes and all the nurses on all the floors were saying how funny i was ...so God was with me. Ah yes, I am so witty!
Anyway, I went to the hospital and was afraid of dying under the anesthesia. So I finally see the anesthesiologist. His name is Jason Jacobs and he's jewish --a nice guy. I say, "so once again for the xillionth time today you guys are gonna explain anesthesia. you must do this a lot every day"
Anyway we're chattering and on about pain and finally we're in the --
Ooh, forgot to tell you that Kazuo ishigaro's book "Never let me go" was at the book section in teh waiting room and I opened it to a line which read, "You found God or something?" So felt God was with me.
Anyway, finally we're getting the aneasthesia into me and I say something like I'm just praying to God and Dr Jacobs gets in a theological discussion with me about God, "How do i know that God exists etc?" I don't know..it's weird. I can be in the middle of nowhere reading a porn magazine and someone will come up to me and start a theological discussion. Hey, so God has poured out the spirit of inquiry on folks, looks like. And trusts me to say something somewhat worthwhile. So Dr Jacobs is going on very intently about he goes to temple etc and he doesn't know that God exists. And I'm thinking..."For heaven's sake, Lord! Is this really the right time?"
And I said,"Well Doctor, perhaps, you should read the Bible and he says "I'm Jewish i don't read the bible." I say "I meant read the Tanakh." And I'm trying to see what is necessary to say but really I've known that God will use anything so who knows what God can use.
Then the nurse nearby says "What's that the old testament?"
And I say well i didnt want to call it old testament cause jewish folks get upset about that. So he asks me about well i'm a good person and you christians believe that good peopel go to hell if they aren't christians. Then he says, "And what's the difference between that and science fiction?"
And this nurse -- who had her theology TOTALLY RIGHT by the way just kept interrupting me and I was trying to fend off fear as the medicine and anesthesia got put in and to answer him before sleeplessness took me over and everytime he asked me a question she would answer with me. And I was kinda getting annoyed because he was asking me But at the same time she was totally on target
but I wanted to focus on what God had done to make me know he was alive and existed and to teach him to look for God in this life. And she was going on about the difference between humanity trying to show human's own works and Christians being put on earth to show God's own righteousness. And I thought, well, it's possible that now that they both know they can talk to each other about God they'll talk to to each other but honestly why is it Christians can't allow each other to witness and a third person has to jump in
So I didn't know if i was there as a catalylist to get them to know each other and discuss religion or if she was just intruding.
Hard to realize if I was the one to be used or if I was the one who should've kept quiet. I didn't get mad but very interesting experience. I felt he was asking to know how God is alive and she was talking about theology. Didn't seem to be what he was interested in...and didn't seem to be the answer either of us could give him but I was kinda hearing his desire to have an experiential relationship with God and trying to do that. While she was...well answering the question he asked about what is goodness and why do Christians think our goodness isn't righteous. Too many cooks and one mixed broth. But now I'll add him to my list. I kept saying to him, "Why don't you tell God to show you he existd?" And he kept saying, "But why should I talk to him when I don't think he exists?" And I'm thinking, "Uh, Doc, is this really the right time...and can't you just play the 'What if?' game? And make a decision to believe."
So the next thing I know I'm waking up after the operation
and the FIRST VERY VERY VERY VERY FIRST Thing I hear is a doctor -- don't know who it was because it was a blur-- saying "So what's she doing, Praying? Is that what they call speaking in tongues?" Turns out I was speaking in tongues while coming out of the sleeplessness. Wonder if I was speaking in tongues while anestheisized? LOL. He seemed intrigued. And I remember what St Paul said about tongues being a sign for the believer...so who knows?
Guess what my first english words were when i realized I was awake and the operation was over?
"Uhm, I'm still alive. Interesting"
just a scratchiness in my throat from the tube in my throat
other than that...the worst part of the entire experiecnce was the needles. And them searching for a vein. My right arm is gonna be black and blue. I mean they had to do the ductogram again. And finding th nipple and to localize it whith a wire...and then they saw another lump that the MRI didn't quite catch but which looked odd so they had to decide to get the entire duct or two more ducts out. Can't figure cause they were talking ...it was quite a precious operation. Very funny, figuring the exact coordinace of the lumps and after all that they had this needle poking into my breast and this wire and this other needle and then they cover the wire with a paper cup. I said well that's like the astronauts going into sapce and doing this intricate repairing and then having duct tape. But they put the paper cup over the wire so I wouldnt move it as they wheeled me down the hallway just to cover it. So i have to go back next week and they'll tell me the result of the biopsy on the lump
lab has it
And I put a copy of my book wind follower in their waiting room library. So that's it. I'm okay. but they gave me a block which means i'll be in no pain until the bloc wears off tonight by which time the percoset should kick in. Was certainly good getting a midday nap. My first sleep in ages.
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So started with a whole lot of fatigue, grief and fear...it ended well. Am hoping the percoset will re-adjust my sleep patterns.
That's it. Thanks for the prayers. And am ascribing to God all glory. If this thing had been discovered when my hubby had a job we'd be in way more bills than we actually are in. But God who is such a provider has set this entire thing up so that the hospital's charity fund and the county's cancer partnership are paying for pretty much 95% of all the bills. Basically, all we're left with is lab tests. Our God is so big so strong and so mighty there's nothing our God cannot do.
-C
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