Saturday, September 28, 2013

Morbid Introspection Realization #87: Justified by Disaster

So there I was getting angrier and angrier at my hubby because of these guardianship papers, but also because of a lot of other crap he has put me through.

Let us face it: men can be willful. It's a kind of pride, I suspect...a male pride that doesn't listen to women. And it might also be combined with a "resistance" to being told what to do by a "woman" or "mother-figure." Add certain other issues of his upbringing and well, you know what I have to deal with. And no, I'm not saying I'm easy to live with either. But I am pliable, and I have a very bad case of morbid introspection so  I really can't get away with generally thinking I'm right. I'm always skulking around inside and within and around the edges of my conscience wondering if there is anything kooky or selfish in my thoughts.

So there I was working on these guardianship papers and fuming because things would've been oh oh oh oh so much less stressful if hubby had simply listened to me ages ago. And I got to think of all the things I have asked him to do that he didn't do that turned out badlly for us. Alas, a wife is often caught in the wake of her husband and dragged along -- kicking, screaming, and nagging.

And thinking hidden dangerous thoughts.

So there they were before me..the same old hidden thoughts of vindication and justification.

Hadn't I told hubby not to give younger son cookies and milk? When we go to the ENT on Tuesday, what if the doc says, "I'm sorry, your son has a mastoid problem because of the milk. He is dying." Well, THEN, hubby would see how wrong he has been to give Oreos and nilk to younger son although the allergist warned him!


"I have told this guy I wanted to move from this house for AGES!!!! If Indian Point Nuclear Reactor breaksdown and the entire town gets radiation contamination, THEN hubby will see I was right to want to move."

OR (and this happened with older son)
"That kid never listens to me and was so rude. I'm not going to talk to him, even if he apologizes. He will see how much he really hurts his mom if I die." (This thought followed by vain imaginings of me in a casket and son beating his chest in regret that he was nasty to mom.)

Okay, granted this is not that unusual: Tons of parents think like this, speak this ploy manipulatively above their kids, or spitefully (in anger) wish for disaster on their kids. It's a kind of willing/wishing for disaster. In short a combination of an inner vow and a curse on one's life or the life of others.

Taken to the extreme, it is a kind of vindictive schadenfreude...Christians pointing to Lot's Wife: SEEEEEEE, God got her! Or unloving Christians sneering at some disaster that happens in a supposedly evil region. Or Islamic extremists sneering at a disaster that happens in a Christian nation. Or atheists sneering when they feel a Christian has finally realized that God is a total pipe dream or crutch. Humans alas are born wanting to be right. We all have that tree of knowledge of good and evil growing out of our heads..and we still haven't learned to cast aside judging others as evil or the tree of life which is love and healing (including our own healing when we feel others don't see our hearts) is not eaten of.

BUT WOW, when I pondered the implication of it in my own life!

How can I be wishing for my health, son's health, increased communication for my husband when at the same time I'm thinking that something outward/outside of myself needs to happen for all my needs to be addressed and all my warnings justified.

Isn't this a kind of double-mindedness?

Isn't this a kind of vain imagination that battles against true hope?

And if thoughts do affect our lives and our directions in mystical ways, am I not by these consistent thoughts setting up and creating some crappy reality for myself? (Yes, yes, I's magical thinking to think our thoughts affect our lives...but thoughts really do affect our lives. And while I don't think my mind will make Indian Point fail, it is possible that my mind would make me fail to realize I should leave town before Indian Point my inner vow and need for justification would be fulfilled.}

The Bible says God knows the plans He has for us, plans for a future and a looked-for end, to give us a hope and a promise. A looked for end. A HOPEFUL looked for end. We are urged to hope and to think of whatever things are lovely, pure, of good report, hopeful, joyful, etc, etc,

So what am I to do to get out of this need to be justified/vindicated by disaster?

FIRST: I have to die to some of my will and learn not to get my way.
SECOND: If I am in the position of Mom-defender of youngerson, I MUST get my way and nag and nag and not give up until I get my way. The doctor has warned us about the dairy and the cookies and I simply cannot give in on this the way I have. So I must learn to argue and WIN the argument, which means I have to commit to the notion that another person HAS to change because I want that person to change. Hard to do because I'm not a fighter. But for the sake of younger son, I have to turn myself into fearless MOM-ACTIVIST.
THIRD: I have to imagine and hope for a good outcome...a looked for happy end. I must train my imagination not to feel vindication must come for me through disaster. I must cast aside the sense that hubby is hopeless in some situations and I must infuse hope into my thoughts. Aish, this is hard for me. I do have a pessimistic streak a universe wide.

Will just have to put my need for justification, my need to help older son, my despair at changing hubby into God's hands...and let God sort it out and change me. We'll see how that works out.

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