General Update

Well, working away on my YA Onion. I think I finally have the first draft done. Today will be working on the elephant in the room -- or the obvious but often unspoken thing in a romance novel: money. Okay, generally the main male character (sometimes the female MC) has mega-bucks. It's kinda mentioned but for the most part it's largely unexplored. We know the woman has not only won a prince of a guy emotionally and intellectually but that she also has a guy who can take care of her in a style she will be glad to grow accustomed to. But we don't see the guy losing his money or the woman pondering if she would marry Darcy or whoever if he suddenly got poor.

So, am working on female character's mercenariness. It's the elephant in the room -- the power of poverty...and Denise's sorrow about it. So it has to be done -- will see. Besides, in most of my stories there is this choice the woman has to make about power and money so it's par for my course. Anyway, will have to work on the chapter with the friends a bit more...to get a bit more conversation out about poverty etc. 

Read a christian black fiction book that could only be described as a story of typicality. Everything was typical. I suspect she was trying to use all the statistics she had read about parental child-molestation. It felt like a novel as illustration. I don't like giving bad reviews...and considering it's a christian novel there was a lot of edgy conversations so...

Gabe's home. He doesn't really like going to school, I think. Might take him out entirely because he's been to school only ten days so far this entire school year. And he's 19 and I wonder about what he actually can learn with the various challenges bothering him. But I'm also thinking that so many people's money and livelihood depends on him going to school. The bus driver, the monitor, the school district, his aide. It's hard to figure. Waiting to see if I get any guidance from God. Will see. 

Made some detox tea. 1 teaspoon turmeric powder, 1 teaspoon ginger, 1/2 cup of lemon juice, 2 cups hot water, maple syrup to taste (might make it locally grown honey to help the allergy issues.) Not bad.

Thought about the Bible verse about Elijah
  1 Kings 17:9 Arise, get thee to Zarephath, which belongeth to Zidon, and dwell there: behold, I have commanded a widow woman there to sustain thee.  


And Andrew Wommack was doing a sermon on this verse:


1 Kings 17:4 "It shall be that you will drink of the brook, and I have commanded the ravens to provide for you there."

What I like about this story is that the widow woman didn't know she had been commanded to feed the prophet. As far as she knew she was preparing to die. Yet the command was already in her soul and whether she knew it or not God had set up her soul to feed this prophet. The prophet had his job to do. As Andrew Wommack said in his sermon, God has provided a "there." And in the first instance with the ravens, Elijah had to go THERE. In the second instance, Elijah not only had to go "there" but he had to ask a woman who considered herself at the end of her rope to help him. In both instances the feeders did something not really typical of them. Maybe the lady was very kind-hearted and would've helped him anyway, but as a mom a part of me thinks that she would be loathed to even part a bit of food to the prophet that would've helped her son. Anyway, whatever the obstacle, God's command was done.

Hubby's lack of a job is an interesting time right now. Where is our "there"? Is it a job nearby? Is it far-off? Where should we go? So many obstacles, but so many possibilities? We just have to hear what God has commanded us to do.

This reminds me of a funny thing that happened. We were driving around with Gabe in the car just now. He likes being driven around and hey, we have zip to do while we wit for job applications so we zip around. I say to hubby, "I'd like to have a truck. Not a big F-150 one but a smaller one with maybe a crew cab. But yeah, we could have that truckbed to put stuff in." Then the thought occurred to me -- funny when God shows you the thoughts of your heart-- why did I want this truck? The first thought that occurred to me was: So we could be able to pick up junk folks had thrown away -- good junk, like tables, beds, etc.

I tell this to Luke and we had a real laugh about how limited our minds had become. I wanted a truck so I could pick up good tossed away stained junk. Most of the stuff in our house -- clothes, dishes, beds, are all hand-me-downs. That's what I was really thinking about -- that I was still in hand-me-down mode and couldn't really imagine myself getting enough money to actually buy stuff. -C Even in my day-dreaming of great things (okay winning a truck isn't so great but I was trying to dream), I was still thinking poor. Odd. Am glad God showed that to me.

The Lord is our healer and our shepherd and our guide. 

-C

Psalm 135

Battles between gods figure in all the great myths and religions. Sometimes the gods are local gods, regional, or national. Sometimes the gods have particular territories -- the sea, the trees, etc. 

Israel's God also had his battles with other so-called gods. He conquered them all. And when people tried to relegate Yahweh to being a mere regional god, Yahweh had to tell his people and the egyptians and all the others who wanted to limit him that he was not a god of the hills alone but a god of the valleys. Not a god of the soul's salvation alone, but a god of the body's salvation. The Creator God. 

It's good to have a creator God. Some religions today have gods that are not creator gods.

It's good to have a God who is a father. Some religions have creator gods who are not fathers.  

That's why we sing praises...because our God is in the heavens. No other god limits him or can tell him, "What are you doing?" Our god has done whatsoever pleases him.

Psalm 135

 ¹Praise ye the LORD. Praise ye the name of the LORD; praise him, O ye servants of the LORD.

 ²Ye that stand in the house of the LORD, in the courts of the house of our God.

 ³Praise the LORD; for the LORD is good: sing praises unto his name; for it is pleasant.

 ⁴For the LORD hath chosen Jacob unto himself, and Israel for his peculiar treasure.

 ⁵For I know that the LORD is great, and that our Lord is above all gods.

 ⁶Whatsoever the LORD pleased, that did he in heaven, and in earth, in the seas, and all deep places.

 ⁷He causeth the vapours to ascend from the ends of the earth; he maketh lightnings for the rain; he bringeth the wind out of his treasuries.

 ⁸Who smote the firstborn of Egypt, both of man and beast.

 ⁹Who sent tokens and wonders into the midst of thee, O Egypt, upon Pharaoh, and upon all his servants.

 ¹⁰Who smote great nations, and slew mighty kings;

 ¹¹Sihon king of the Amorites, and Og king of Bashan, and all the kingdoms of Canaan:

 ¹²And gave their land for an heritage, an heritage unto Israel his people.

 ¹³Thy name, O LORD, endureth for ever; and thy memorial, O LORD, throughout all generations.

 ¹⁴For the LORD will judge his people, and he will repent himself concerning his servants.

 ¹⁵The idols of the heathen are silver and gold, the work of men's hands.

 ¹⁶They have mouths, but they speak not; eyes have they, but they see not;

 ¹⁷They have ears, but they hear not; neither is there any breath in their mouths.

 ¹⁸They that make them are like unto them: so is every one that trusteth in them.

 ¹⁹Bless the LORD, O house of Israel: bless the LORD, O house of Aaron:

 ²⁰Bless the LORD, O house of Levi: ye that fear the LORD, bless the LORD.

 ²¹Blessed be the LORD out of Zion, which dwelleth at Jerusalem. Praise ye the LORD.

Wind Follower review up at Specusphere

This was so encouraging, also a bit of a call to arms. Black Speculative Fiction writers -- especially those of us in the US-- often mix Christianity in our writings. The specfic world, at large, is used to seeing certain kinds of spirituality. Most popular is probably the wiccan/druidic spirituality. Runes are everywhere. Then there's the Mormonism  type of spirituality. One sees that in stuff like Battlestar Gallactica etc... where people attain to godhead or become as gods. That's pretty common. Humans from back in the day -- and many religions such as Shintoism and Buddhism-- deal with that.

But when Christianity pops up in specfic --- if it's seen as a good thing, it's either linked to white Christianity (C S Lewis and Lord of the Rings or stuff like Left Behind.) But more often than not it's seen as an encrouching evil, something dark and patriarchal that takes away man's freedom and destroys societies. Not that Western Christianity hasn't done that. But Christians are not only from the western world and aside from Christians as a persecuting majority, or a persecuted minority, there is the basic story of the gospel.

The gospel is a wonderful myth which I believe, and which many minorities believe. We minorities, first world people, have had to really walk that balance of seeing the imperialistic evil of Western Christianity and their belief. Because of this a book written by us to a world where readers are used to paganism and wiccan spirituality might seem to have marketability issues. Anyway, here it is up at Specusphere 

I really liked this section:

Yet there is probably a niche market for books like this one, and it is, I would venture, among Christians who are not fundamentalists and who are willing to consider that perhaps parables can be spoken in the language of fantasy as well as that of religion. A tall order, perhaps, but I hope McDonnell finds this readership.An author who can produce a work such as Wind Follower deserves to have an extensive circulation.

and then this:

Mc Donnell is a fine writer, and Wind Follower leads us to expect even better things from her in the future.

Dark Parables: three dreamlets

The first: I was describing to a friend -- a fellow writer-- how I did something. Very simple to do but hard to describe. But she just didn't get it. I had to model it for her. This is a friend who is diagnosed with colon cancer. We writers often have an idea in our minds and we see it but to get a description of that position or idea onto paper...or to actually describe it in words -- very hard. Also, autistic kids often have to be shown how things are done -- it's call modeling. Have been trying for years to show younger son how to kiss folks on the cheek. Also, I suppose religious folks are to show things sometimes..instead of describing it. Trying to figure this out. The second: I was talking to a reality show bad boy called Chance. He had a tiny pearl in his mouth that he had found in a box of china or stoneware. He was moving it around in his mouth. He gave the box of china to me and said, "Go ahead and look around. You might find something great in here. Today is your lucky day." He seemed to be implying money. The third: Dreamed of James Earl Jones. Forgot what he was doing. But I always think of him as someone who couldn't speak well and then too speech classes and now speaks so well he is actually blessed by that voice which was once his trouble.

Some of God's Prophecies that Failed

I'm always amazed when I hear people talking about God being sovereign and "nothing can happen unless God wills it." What a crock! That's not in the Bible. The Bible tells us that we are co-laborers with God. We are told God "is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us." ACCORDING TO THE POWER THAT WORKS IN US.


God wills and prophecies stuff but it is up to we humans to help to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling. 


Consider the situation with Moses. God told Abraham that his descendants would be enslaved in Egypt for 400 years. In the fullness of time, God raised up Moses. Moses was all set to be a deliverer. The four hundred years were about to end. But then what does Moses do? He kills an overseer -- sooo not the thing to do. Then he has to wander about in the desert for 40 years. So, the Israelites leave Egypt 420 years later. Two years after the prophecy. 


God prophesied through Samuel to King Saul that King Saul would have a great destiny and would become a father of kings. Saul didn't believe it. He didn't trust that God would use him. God's prophecies failed with Saul because Saul was insecure and didn't trust that God would work within him to do what was necessary. We co-labor with God by trusting that Immanuel --God with us. We trust that the same spirit that raised Jesus from the dead lives in us.


Jonah prophesied Yet 30 days and Nineveh will be destroyed. Clear prophecy. But the Ninevites co-labored with God and this particular prophesy failed.  Which is what God wanted. Then the ninevites went off track. 


Daniel was reading the book of Jeremiah when he realized that the days of the fulfillment of prophecy was supposed to be coming. This worried him. He prayed and fasted and God explained the meaning of Jeremiah's prophecy to him.  Even better, Daniel got some really great clarification of the end times. What if Daniel had decided to do as Moses did or to attempt to take matters in his own hand? It would've been the wrong thing to do. We co-labor with God by praying and fasting and discovering the right thing. 


Zechariah was told by the angel Gabriel that he would have a son. Zechariah didn't believe. Gabriel had to make Zechariah mute. Or else Zechariah would've spoke all sorts of unbelief and not co-labored with God. We colabor with God by speaking the word of faith and not speaking our doubts.


Jesus told Peter: Your name is Reed (Simon). I'll call you Peter (Rocky.) Peter was a wuss in the beginning, being blown here and there by people's opinion, betraying Jesus when the time gets hard. Peter gets baptized in the Holy Spirit and later has enough strength to preach on the steps of the temple after Jesus ascension. But what does he do later? He wimps out when certain men from James came and saw him eating with the gentiles. This is Peter? No, it's Simon. He managed to die as a rock but Jesus prophecy about Peter's name change never fully got hold of Peter until Peter's death. Peter could die for Jesus but when it came to standing outside the herd, he definitely had a lifelong fight against giving in to people's opinion. Luckily, by the time he died he was co-laboring with God by dying to self.

God is always giving us prophecies. His Bible has the best general prophecies for our lives -- sure and certain promises. But he also gives us dreams -- as in hopes, but also as in nightly dreams-- to show us what he has for our lives. God knows the thoughts he has for us -- thoughts of good and not for evil, to give us a future and a hope.

But we must believe. We must pray. We must co-labor with him. We must speak his affirming word. We must die to self so that we can prove what is that good perfect and acceptable will of God for the lives of His people. I'm not talking about wealth and mansions. But if God has given us a dream, we must remember what ST Paul said to Timothy, "We wage war by the prophecies we receive." When we feel we'll die before our work on earth is finished, we must remember the prophecies God has told us. If it's even something as small as: "you will write a great short story" or a general promise such as "You will live to see your children's children" we have to hold fast to it. The redeemed of the Lord must say so. We must "order our conversation aright." We must remember what James said "death and life are in the power of the tongue." We must trust God and speak and act as faith-filled people.

Psalm 134

Wow, those who stand by night! As David would say, "Selah -- Think about that." 

To bless the Lord in the dark night. 

Psalm 134

 ¹Behold, bless ye the LORD, all ye servants of the LORD, which by night stand in the house of the LORD.
 ²Lift up your hands in the sanctuary, and bless the LORD.
 ³The LORD that made heaven and earth bless thee out of Zion.

Sleeping Betty

WTF Moment in Bible Study: Inferior

The world has standards of good and evil. But as Christians we are called upon to walk in grace...which means we must go through life forgetting that we know the knowledge of evil. The book of Job is the oldest book of the Bible, written before the Law was given to the Israelites, but.... after the world knew the knowledge of good and evil.  That's important to remember.

Here is Job, enduring all his know-it-all friends. They're telling him that certain people (hint, hint: like you, Job) get punished for their sins...and that certain other people who know the truth (hint, hint: like us wise ones) must enlighten these sinful people who're being punished for their sins.

Job's reply:

Job 12:2-4 (King James Version)

 ²No doubt but ye are the people, and wisdom shall die with you.

 ³But I have understanding as well as you; I am not inferior to you: yea, who knoweth not such things as these?

 ⁴I am as one mocked of his neighbour, who calleth upon God, and he answereth him: the just upright man is laughed to scorn.

Job's friends go to "enlightening" Job again. And again he says,

Job 13

 ¹Lo, mine eye hath seen all this, mine ear hath heard and understood it.

 ²What ye know, the same do I know also: I am not inferior unto you.

 ³Surely I would speak to the Almighty, and I desire to reason with God.

When this word "inferior" pops up, it jumps up at me. Why? Because this English word "inferior" means certain things to the modern human ear. The King James translators used it four times in the Bible. The other two times is when Daniel talks about an inferior kingdom and when Paul tells the Corinthian churches they are not inferior to other churches.

I couldn't find my Vine's Dictionary to figure out what Hebrew or  Greek word was being used but from what we see in the above passage, (via the English translation) Job is dealing with people whom he thinks are behaving as if they know more about God and Job's own life than Job does. (Sorry about the length of that sentence; it's early morning.)

Job's comment reminded me of what the prophet Isaiah said about those people

 ⁴Which remain among the graves, and lodge in the monuments, which eat swine's flesh, and broth of abominable things is in their vessels;

 ⁵Which say, Stand by thyself, come not near to me; for I am holier than thou. These are a smoke in my nose, a fire that burneth all the day.

Isaiah 65:4-6 (King James Version)

In the case of Isaiah, the people who think they're holy are hypocrites. They're eating ham etc and shellfish et al ...yet they're still insisting on their holiness and on their being holier than other people. In Job's case, Job's friends are without the law. They're also Edomites. So they can only go on their own idea of what God is and how perfect they are by their own philosophies. They all have subtly different theologies and if you don't read carefully, you might be tempted to think they all have the same philosophy/religion. All the same, they pretty much all agree that Job needs enlightening. As Job calls them, "Miserable Comforters." But we can't really call Job's friends sinful. They didn't have the law and as St Paul said, "where there is no law, there is no imputation of sin." But they are definitely a might on the rude side.

Another instance of spiritual people behaving badly towards those suffering and who think they know what is going on in someone else's mind is in this parable that Jesus.

Luke 18:10-12 (King James Version)

 ¹⁰Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican.

 ¹¹The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican.

 ¹²I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess.

It shows that it doesn't really matter what religion or non-religion a person professes, there is this weird thing in the human soul that likes feeling superior to someone else. And this weird thing in the human soul tends to come out -- weirdly-- when another person is suffering. How strange we humans are!

The weird thing is that Job was spiritually okay until his friends showed up. If his friends hadn't attempted to "comfort him" with their platitudes, he probably wouldn't have gotten so bitter. From the time we humans learned the knowledge of good and evil, we have learned to see the evil in other people. Once that happens, both the offended and the offender have fallen into trouble. The spirit of legalism -- the law-- leads to the leaven of the Pharisees which is this is right, this is wrong. It leads to criticism. But in the offended person, it leads to bitterness and offense.  The bait of Satan is offense. Offense occurs when we tell someone they are not doing something according to our knowledge of good and evil. Cain was offended. Job was offended. I have been offended. The ability to see the wrongs in other people is just as bad as lust...and so many people who spout platitudes think they're comforting when what they're doing is adding offense.  As people under grace, we have to avoid giving offense. And we have to avoid anger and bitterness when others offend us.

Romans 14: Who are you to judge God's servant? God will enlighten his servants.

Something to encourage us praying folks

Snideness

I dreamed of being in a church in India... a church based on the gnostic gospel of St Thomas, which is what many churches on India are affiliated with. I went outside and there was a traffic light system which was controlled by demons. They would play with the traffic light in such a way that they ruled the way people drove. Speeding pedestrians up, speeding drivers up. They controlled everything and the walkers and drivers were really affected by it. I felt the traffic system meant/symbolized the law and I was being shown how trapped legalism and the law makes us. And the only way to be out of that satanic loop was to truly be gracious....and to not fall into judging one's neighbor or being too proud of one's works. This connected to me in that I really have an issue with forgiveness. The present novel i'm writing really is making me understand my tendency to not say anything to anyone who hurts me. What I do is simply not say anything but I become cold to them in my heart. Am really working on this. 


I'm gonna be 50 in less than two months. One of my greatest flaws is a tendency to snideness -- defined in one of my dictionaries as oblique maliciousness. I am very snide. The reason is -- no excuse here-- that cruel people tend to be bold. And wimpy wussy people like myself tend to be passive. So if someone comes to me and says, "Your son is so weird" or "your house is messy" or "if I walked in your shoes, I would wear them better." Or some know-it-all comparative mode thing... I generally don't say anything. I just feel stepped on. I'm so repressed I don't even cry about it. But I make a snide comment.




So if someone says a stupid or heartless platitude -- you can't judge anyone until you walk in their shoes,  or God doesn't give you more than you can handle or You're growing from all your troubles-- I am never honest with them. Everything in me wants to say, "You have wounded me. I am in such emotional pain about this situation with my son, but you are taking this opportunity -- which could have been a caring one-- and using it to show how spiritual you are" But I don't say that. Fear of being a sensitive black woman? I could also say, "You go around the country giving religious talks and you know zip about compassion aXXhole! Don't you think you're a bit uneducated or perhaps you're just kinda being christianish or spiritualish...but in spite of your so-called spirituality it is apparent to me that you don't know squat." But then there's the fear of being the bitter Christian woman and/or the angry black woman?


But I never tell my anger or my woundedness. I'm just snide. Of course the malicious cruel person is utterly clueless. So what does all this snideness of mine in return serve?

Ah, the joy of fiction! Onion is teaching me a lot. Realized my main character does this a lot. She simply drops cruel people and they don't know why she drops them. And she finds it pretty hard to cry as I do.

So, yeah, Onion is helping me deal with this issue. And the sooner I become more honest -- and less snide-- the more I'll free myself from unforgiveness and will free younger son and me from our illness. Yes, I just have to be more honest with cruel people. And I must be honest EVEN IF THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THEY HAVE WOUNDED ME, EVEN IF THEY ARE HEARTLESS AND SO FULL OF THEMSELVES, THEY CAN'T HEAR THE CRY OF MY HEART. I must step out into the light and be real.

I'm glad of this dream. I've been a bit sick and stuck in bed. Sleeplessness issues. Slept about ten minutes last night. And no real sleep for about two weeks. A bit trembly. So this dream really means a lot to me. It challenges me to not fall into a demonic loop of legalism and judgmentalism.

Other than that, Onion is bringing up a lot of my emotional issues-- which i suspect is good. Am trying to deal with my repression and my various hurts and rejection issues. Deep rejection issues in yours truly. But then I don't really share my heart, do I? So folks don't know. Anyway, onion is reallyl helping me see what being raised by a repressed minister grandfather and being raised in a strange racially tense community did to me. It's coming along.

Lord, have mercy on me. Readers, wish me luck.
-C

Seepage

Life slowly returns, seeping into my body.

Why does it seep? Shouldn't it just overflow us and overwhelm us? Shouldn't life just overpower us?
But no, it's all about seeping and slow flows!

All the same, I'm doing better and younger son is doing better. Trusting God. I must really catch up on the psalms. Tomorrow (Deo Volente) I begin again with finishing them. Ah, am in a word-play mood it seems.

  A couple of days ago, I heard a wonderful testimony and was really touched by it.  just downloaded it from  an an australian website. A woman telling of her ordeal with cancer and how she had to forgive. And as she spoke, a great anger and resentment came up in my heart. And it was as if all the anger I had against pious sounding Christians just came to the fore. It was as if God was saying to me..."You really have to deal with this anger, Carole. It is important. Very important."

 I realized that Onion is about my bitterness -- oh this poor book! I had wanted it to be light and quick so I couldn't become too attached to it, but no!!!! It has to go and take on my issues! Honestly, this is the same thing that happened with Wind Follower. i put aside my ten-year and going novel and decided to whip out Wind Follower which i'd been working on for seven months. I figured I wouldn't get too attached to it. Next thing you know. So now, onion...a book written in three weeks...and now all these issues. And worse, I'm actually loving this book. 

So seeping through its pages are my plaints such as my bitterness against pushy people who tell folks what to do, against Christians who say stupid platitudes that they haven't thought out, against racists, against so-called normal  folks who pride themselves on how normal they are.  

Anyway, I really have to work on this issue of bitterness against Christians. (Actually, it's probably against all mouthy people who consider themselves spiritual because Buddhists, New Agers, and even "spiritual atheists"  all seem to have the problem common to all mouthy people: they think that if they had your shoes to wear they would wear it better. It's some weird comparative mode thing we humans get into.)

And of course I have to work on it in the book. I so feel God wants me to work on this. For Gabe's sake. For my sake. To work on this unforgiveness will help unblock my healing. But really I have to work on it for that is what God would like me to write about. We must take care of our health, Rabbi Hillel says, because the world may need us. And I totally believe the Christian world needs me. Sounds arrogant but I do not think any other Christian but me could have come up with Wind Follower. The typical christian would've wanted to avoid the sex or wouldn't have honored pagan spirituality as I did. And the typical christian would've made it way more preachy than I did. Now, in Onion, there is this weird balance of religion and teen sexuality and a love for the outsider. Modern Christian literature is not good with the outsider status. They just aren't. (Not being arrogant here..am speaking the truth. I mean everytime some Christian tells me she's going to write outside the box, I'm tempted to say: "But you don't know the size and shape of the box. You won't write outside of it." And bingo, as I predicted, the book falls into that weird dichotomy modern Christian lit tends to fall into.)  Plus Onion has the anger issues. 

The weird thing is that Job was spiritually okay until his friends showed up. If his friends hadn't attempted to "comfort him" with their platitudes, he probably wouldn't have gotten so bitter. From the time we humans learned the knowledge of good and evil, we have learned to see the evil in other people. Once that happens, both the offended and the offender have fallen into trouble. The spirit of legalism -- the law-- leads to the leaven of the Pharisees which is this is right, this is wrong. It leads to criticism. But in the offended person, it leads to bitterness and offense.  The bait of Satan is offense. Offense occurs when we tell someone they are not doing something according to our knowledge of good and evil. Cain was offended. Job was offended. I have been offended. The ability to see the wrongs in other people is just as bad as lust...and so many people who spout platitudes think they're comforting when what they're doing is adding offense.  As people under grace, we have to avoid giving offense. And we have to avoid anger and bitterness when others offend us.

So...yeah, adelante! ...to really fine-tune it in Onion. I totally, totally revamped the ending. Yeah, weird, weird. But I figured I am a lit major and an arrogant little bitch...and arrogant little bitches just don't write certain kinds of endings. I had to write a more devastating complex ending. Will see. Am trusting God to make me perfect this little novella. I want it to be lovely. So yeah, my anger and snippiness will be in the thing...but also -- I hope-- much of my loveliness (of which I have much.)

Off to bed.

Sidewalk Prophets: These are the words I would say

Christianish: What If We're Not Really Following Jesus at All?

Mark Steele,
Christianish:
What If We're Not Really Following Jesus at All?
(David C. Cook, 2009)

• Paperback: 272 pages
• Publisher: David C. Cook; New edition (August 1, 2009)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1434766926
• ISBN-13: 978-1434766922

Here's the blurb:

Somewhere between cold faith and hot pursuit lies lukewarm spirituality. And in the median between the wide path and the narrow road we find the middle ground of the spiritual walk. It's something not quite Christian. More like Christianish.

Christianish may feel like authentic faith. Yet it's often easy to settle for the souvenir t-shirt the appearance of a transformed heart instead of taking the actual trip through true life change. We find ourselves settling for a personal faith that's been diluted by culture and other people's takes on spirituality.

Christianish tells the story of one man's journey to move from the in-between to a life that's centered on Christ. Through stories and insight, Mark delivers a compelling look at what our faith is all about. Readers will be encouraged to become true Christ-followers, and to just ditch theish.

Here's a review over at rambles

So that's where that comes from?

So there I was having a WTF? moment! I realized that my main character in Onion got beaten and had his face slashed and facial structures broken. Just like Loic in Wind Follower. It was so weird.

I thought: uhm, do I have a thing against beautiful men?  I pondered and pondered then let it go.

Then I happened to see a pic of my younger son.  This isn't the one -- too lazy to take it from its frame and scan it, besides son is home from school all these many days because of health issues-- but you get the picture. This was before the autism happened.

We were in the car once and a cop said, "What a beautiful little girl!" (Yeah, we didn't have our seatbelts on and the cop got us.)

He had such a beautiful smile.

Then the autism happened. And the health issues. And the congestion. And the congestion affected his palate. And the health issues affected his movements.

I realized that my depiction of beautiful faces destroyed by evil forces is probably from some deep place -- deeper than my love for beautiful men, apparently. I was bewailing the destruction of my son's great beauty.

His brother is hot. Gorgeous. I know with every fiber of my being that Mr Gabe would be way more lovely and far more handsome than his older brother. What to do with things as they are?

I was thinking today that when we ask God to restore us, he doesn't restore us to the way we were or even to the way we would've been before the attack -- rape, or illness, or whatever-- assaulted us. He repairs us and uses us as we are. We are repaired and yet not. We are like cracked porcelain. Put together wonderfully, each section reglued. Yet the crack is visible. The other cracked people can recognize us. Uncracked people can recognize us. God shines through the cracks but we are not quite healed. We go into heaven maimed.

i would like my son to be utterly repaired, utterly restored. Okay, if God wants, God can give son a bit of a lisp maybe...to show the world that son was once cracked and once unable to talk. But really, who knows what I'll get when son's healing manifests? Will he be utterly sane? Will he be reclusive because he didn't know how to deal with people? Will he be prone to quietness? Will he have a trace of sadness? Will his beauty return? Who knows?

I'm a whack-job, but that's cool. And I can live with who and what I am now..compared to who or what I could have been if life hadn't thrown me some cruelties. (Okay, some male black writers keep wondering when I'm going to write a love story with a black woman and a black man. I kinda doubt I'll ever be sane enough to do that.) But on the whole I'm okay with who I am as opposed to saying "I would've written such lovely precious stories of black love if bad stuff hadn't happened." The me who I am has given the world wind follower. Not too shabby for a story from a cracked pot.

Am in a bit of pain. No sleep for about five days straight. And younger son hitting himself cause he's so frustrated with always being sick. Did do a little good for myself though: dropped all communications with silly people who spout know-it-all platitudes. There definitely is a divide between people with healthy kids and people with sick, dead, dying, or suicided kids. We don't go around saying stupid platitudes about life is yadda yadda and what doesn't kill you make you stronger and what all platitudes these spiritual types throw at you. Finally got sick of going to various network sites and seeing these platitudes being spouted.

Obviously, my soul has issues with this unfair cruelty toward my son, though. But it's good to know where this weird motif came from in my writing. Wonder what else I'll suddenly notice.

Psalm 133

Okay, trying to think. Totally couldn't concentrate on the previous psalm. 

Let's see: I guess the Psalmist is saying that unity is like an ointment, a prophetic ointment. It flows to the entire body and congregation of Christ. It heals and brings a blessing to God's people. Faith works through love. One day Christians will live this, I think. Now we're so divided by race, class, status, education, wealth. 

Psalm 133

 ¹Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!
 ²It is like the precious ointment upon the head, that ran down upon the beard, even Aaron's beard: that went down to the skirts of his garments;
 ³As the dew of Hermon, and as the dew that descended upon the mountains of Zion: for there the LORD commanded the blessing, even life for evermore.

Psalm 132

Psalm 132

 ¹Lord, remember David, and all his afflictions:
 ²How he sware unto the LORD, and vowed unto the mighty God of Jacob;
 ³Surely I will not come into the tabernacle of my house, nor go up into my bed;
 ⁴I will not give sleep to mine eyes, or slumber to mine eyelids,
 ⁵Until I find out a place for the LORD, an habitation for the mighty God of Jacob.
 ⁶Lo, we heard of it at Ephratah: we found it in the fields of the wood.
 ⁷We will go into his tabernacles: we will worship at his footstool.
 ⁸Arise, O LORD, into thy rest; thou, and the ark of thy strength.
 ⁹Let thy priests be clothed with righteousness; and let thy saints shout for joy.
 ¹⁰For thy servant David's sake turn not away the face of thine anointed.
 ¹¹The LORD hath sworn in truth unto David; he will not turn from it; Of the fruit of thy body will I set upon thy throne.
 ¹²If thy children will keep my covenant and my testimony that I shall teach them, their children shall also sit upon thy throne for evermore.
 ¹³For the LORD hath chosen Zion; he hath desired it for his habitation.
 ¹⁴This is my rest for ever: here will I dwell; for I have desired it.
 ¹⁵I will abundantly bless her provision: I will satisfy her poor with bread.
 ¹⁶I will also clothe her priests with salvation: and her saints shall shout aloud for joy.
 ¹⁷There will I make the horn of David to bud: I have ordained a lamp for mine anointed.
 ¹⁸His enemies will I clothe with shame: but upon himself shall his crown flourish.

Weekend Movie-Viewing -- The normalcy edition

Watched Jackie Brown. I love this movie. It's one of those movies I could watch every time it's on. Sure it's a heist flick and a story about a close-knit (kinda) bunch of thieves.  I love all the relationships in this movie. The friendship between petty criminal Lou and "bigtime" gun seller Ordel. We don't really see how normal folks love in this movie. All we have of normalcy are the ATF guy and the cop. And we don't see much of them. Even when Ray eats dinner with Jackie Brown we're not quite sure what he's up to. Perhaps he's attracted to her, but he's upstanding and decent and not going to let emotion take him over. Law and Order rules his emotions. It's weird, but I find myself not being able to look at one particular scenes -- because the scenes hurt. Not because of the gun being used but because of the crime of betrayal. When Ordel kills Beaumont Livingston, I just couldn't look. Because it implies someone being taken off guard and betrayed.

I think part of my unease has to do with my friend Maxie, whom I knew as a kid. He got in with some bad kids and they set him up and killed him. That has always stayed with me...I'm always thinking: "What did Maxie think when he saw his friends pointing a gun at him and knew that was his last moment on earth and that his friends had betrayed him?" As my mother would say, "Those Jamaican drug gangs are no joke!"

Jackie Brown's full of all kinds of odd unspoken relationships. People take each other as they find them. They understand each other instinctively, even if they know they don't trust each other. Anyway, the relationship that is the best if -- of course-- the one between Max Cherry and Jackie Brown. Just one of the best depiction of sudden love hitting a middle-aged guy who didn't quite think about love at all. And it's done so well. When he does the bad thing you know he's doing it for her and would never do it if it weren't for her. It's a world of textures, shades, hues of morality. Ray's partner is pretty white bread and perfect on the list of perfect goodness. We see only one aspect of his personality. Not that there's only side to his personality...it's just that in his dealings with Jackie (which is all that we care about) that is all the audience sees.

You see Jackie being normal with Max Cherry-- Interesting name cause Cherry always implies something of a wuss...and he isn't (at least not in the movie...not sure about the book which I haven't read.) Normalcy is the height of friendship and love, I think. She gets all dolled up when eating out with Ray (incidentally, we aren't really sure she's going out with Ray the first time she mentions it. We aren't sure if she's playing Max or Ordel when she talks about their dinners...because we can't believe what we don't see...cause being slick is what surviving is about.) Jackie wears normal clothing when she's with Ordel. And she has no make-up. But with Max she dresses in denim overalls. And it's like the sexiest scene. She's always sexiest with no make-up. This is just one of the best Tarantino films.

Also saw Knocked Up.
Normal guys again. This time, normal loutish fellow knocks up a one-night stand.

I love all these movies made by the Seth Rogen/Paul Rudd/Steve Carrell guys. 40 year old virgin. Et al. All their flicks. There's just a sweetness about all these guys, a goodnaturedness about them. Just really good people. It's pretty pro-life without being preachy about it. Delicately and wonderfully and subtly done. Christian film makers would've gone all weird and overly obvious about it. In this case, the filmmakers merely show a sonogram of eight-week old baby and says: there's the heart-beat. Enough said. See, Conservative Jewish filmmakers know how to do pro-life and family values pictures without being so in-your-face religious. Liked this  a lot. Now I've got to see "I love you man." Gotta admit that I hate sharing Paul Rudd. Back in the day I was one of the few people who knew about this guy's existence. (Loved you, Paul, in Shakespeare's Tempest!) Aargh, I remember the day when Clive Owen and James Spader were mine alone as well. Oh well, the price of their greatness alas: They must let go of Carole's solitary love and get greater fans.

Basically, seeing movies about friends made me smile.  Made me smile too at my new YA. Friendship is a concept that needs exploring. Especially adult friendships. Heist flicks tend to explore them but not a lot of other flicks that do that.

Exposure by Wilfred Owen

Thank You, Jesus for this glorious day

Psalm 131

This is one of the first psalms my grandfather taught me. I really have to think about this. Even after all these years. For one, I can't really say this with a straight face. 

For instance, my heart is not really haughty -- unless someone else is haughty to me. And even then I'm not really haughty to them...I just kinda seethe haughtily being their back. Which makes me wonder: does God want his people to be stepped upon by abusive folks? So we have to find a place where we don't have wounded spirit but at the same time haughtiness is not a good response to cruelty. And in any case we really shouldn't be haughty. Humility is where it's at.

Then there's the lofty eyes. I'm pondering that. Do I have arrogant eyes? Or is God saying we shouldn't go around thinking too much of ourselves? 

And what is this weaned child quieting itself thing? Yep, I've studied this psalm for years...and I still have to ponder it. No help here, alas.  But it's still a favorite.

Psalm 131

 ¹Lord, my heart is not haughty, nor mine eyes lofty: neither do I exercise myself in great matters, or in things too high for me.
 ²Surely I have behaved and quieted myself, as a child that is weaned of his mother: my soul is even as a weaned child.
 ³Let Israel hope in the LORD from henceforth and for ever.