Tuesday, October 27, 2009


I dreamed of being in a church in India... a church based on the gnostic gospel of St Thomas, which is what many churches on India are affiliated with. I went outside and there was a traffic light system which was controlled by demons. They would play with the traffic light in such a way that they ruled the way people drove. Speeding pedestrians up, speeding drivers up. They controlled everything and the walkers and drivers were really affected by it. I felt the traffic system meant/symbolized the law and I was being shown how trapped legalism and the law makes us. And the only way to be out of that satanic loop was to truly be gracious....and to not fall into judging one's neighbor or being too proud of one's works. This connected to me in that I really have an issue with forgiveness. The present novel i'm writing really is making me understand my tendency to not say anything to anyone who hurts me. What I do is simply not say anything but I become cold to them in my heart. Am really working on this. 

I'm gonna be 50 in less than two months. One of my greatest flaws is a tendency to snideness -- defined in one of my dictionaries as oblique maliciousness. I am very snide. The reason is -- no excuse here-- that cruel people tend to be bold. And wimpy wussy people like myself tend to be passive. So if someone comes to me and says, "Your son is so weird" or "your house is messy" or "if I walked in your shoes, I would wear them better." Or some know-it-all comparative mode thing... I generally don't say anything. I just feel stepped on. I'm so repressed I don't even cry about it. But I make a snide comment.

So if someone says a stupid or heartless platitude -- you can't judge anyone until you walk in their shoes,  or God doesn't give you more than you can handle or You're growing from all your troubles-- I am never honest with them. Everything in me wants to say, "You have wounded me. I am in such emotional pain about this situation with my son, but you are taking this opportunity -- which could have been a caring one-- and using it to show how spiritual you are" But I don't say that. Fear of being a sensitive black woman? I could also say, "You go around the country giving religious talks and you know zip about compassion aXXhole! Don't you think you're a bit uneducated or perhaps you're just kinda being christianish or spiritualish...but in spite of your so-called spirituality it is apparent to me that you don't know squat." But then there's the fear of being the bitter Christian woman and/or the angry black woman?

But I never tell my anger or my woundedness. I'm just snide. Of course the malicious cruel person is utterly clueless. So what does all this snideness of mine in return serve?

Ah, the joy of fiction! Onion is teaching me a lot. Realized my main character does this a lot. She simply drops cruel people and they don't know why she drops them. And she finds it pretty hard to cry as I do.

So, yeah, Onion is helping me deal with this issue. And the sooner I become more honest -- and less snide-- the more I'll free myself from unforgiveness and will free younger son and me from our illness. Yes, I just have to be more honest with cruel people. And I must be honest EVEN IF THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THEY HAVE WOUNDED ME, EVEN IF THEY ARE HEARTLESS AND SO FULL OF THEMSELVES, THEY CAN'T HEAR THE CRY OF MY HEART. I must step out into the light and be real.

I'm glad of this dream. I've been a bit sick and stuck in bed. Sleeplessness issues. Slept about ten minutes last night. And no real sleep for about two weeks. A bit trembly. So this dream really means a lot to me. It challenges me to not fall into a demonic loop of legalism and judgmentalism.

Other than that, Onion is bringing up a lot of my emotional issues-- which i suspect is good. Am trying to deal with my repression and my various hurts and rejection issues. Deep rejection issues in yours truly. But then I don't really share my heart, do I? So folks don't know. Anyway, onion is reallyl helping me see what being raised by a repressed minister grandfather and being raised in a strange racially tense community did to me. It's coming along.

Lord, have mercy on me. Readers, wish me luck.


Lorrie said...

Being snide is a real issue. It's a mask for insecurity...for feeling worthless in a situation. God is the one who can heal us of this. Pray and ask for guidance...knowing you aren't going to be perfect all the time. When folks say my kids are weird...I say...so you're saying God made them incorrectly? I know ALL about SNIDEness since I really use to have a problem with it...still do sometimes...but with God's help you can overcome. Have a blessed day!

Carole McDonnell said...

Thank you, Lorrie, for your kind comment. I'm trying. Trusting God to help me with it. He keeps telling me to learn to be angry and not to sin by bitterness or passive aggressiveness. A hard road but am attempting. God bless you. -C

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