Okay, so am on a fast from television for Lent. I figured it'd be easier than avoiding a food and it'd help me control what comes into my mind. But aaargh, it's getting hard.
For one, I use TV as my comforter. It keeps me from getting too overwhelmed with my blues or whatever hits me. So now I have to face my weird issues and grief without cake to dull them (diet) and without the din. Whatever shall I do? I'm trusting that this will strengthen my soul, though. Each day I come downstairs and do NOT turn on the TV, is a strengthening of the soul.
Okay, so...next: Well, am stepping out in the belief that I am actually liked. Very hard to do after one has been clobbered by creepy people. (but I will not whine.)
Next.... trying to figure out if the ending of Constant Tower is right. Haven't reached the ending yet in my revisions...but ya know... a girl's got to think ahead. I think Ephan carries my grief at not belonging...and Psal carries my anger at the herd mind. And Maharai carries my need for the loving family and the devastation of the lost family. But honestly, is she vengeful? Would she bond with her new family and thus...not be able to kill them? Ah, it's all a blur right now. Am feeling that I'll be super-surprised at how this story comes out....yeah, cause I'm rethinking that ending. Thing is, though, I have to finish it by April. Cause by then the Delacorte contest will be over and I intend to have won it...so I'll be working with the editors to perfect Onion for them. Positive speaking, uh?
Am realizing also that I would make a crappy feminist if I were one. As the mother of a son, I'm totally into seeing the troubles men have to deal with. A white feminist friend of mine asked why I made a non-black boy my main character...and alas, I had no real sound reason. I guess I could say that the "boy goes on a journey" theme is so with me that my mind is trapped within the paradigm and I can't get it out. But...who knows? Boys just come to my mind to tell their stories. They're rarely white, though...usually Native American or Asian. Although Psal is bi-racial: black and white.
What else? Well, it looks like younger son is finally going to school tomorrow. He's gone about fourteen days all semester...since September. But we went to his allergist -- whose existence I had all but forgotten until God reminded me-- and he's really on the ball and really has helped us with it.
In addition, we're reading the Bible out loud every day...from cover to cover. Am sure that's helping. Unemployment still around. Can't really see where money is coming from. But the Lord keeps telling me not to be afraid. And finally, I have some peace...and ability to trust. Just gotta find myself and my trust for CT.
That's about it. -C
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