Sunday, February 07, 2010

Divorce dreams, child of divorce issues looking up from my editing to actually post something here....

I dreamed -- second time in two weeks-- that my husband Luke was leaving me for another woman. Last week I dreamed I nagged him and suddenly he decided he had had enough of my nagging and in the middle of my nagging he just up and left. I had taken that as a sign to stop planting seeds of divorce and negativity and whining. So all week I've really stopped the whining and complaining. But last night up comes this dream. I spent the dream begging and crying and pleading for him to stay but he was very cold. The woman's name was Kathy Conklin. Yeah, I know....we both dreamed of folks with christian and surnames. Very strange. I showed him our 5 kids and said, "Is happiness with this one woman worth ruining the lives of our kids and me?" (Older son was in the NBA in the dream.) It was so felt so real that when I woke up to find Luke beside me I was totally overjoyed. But then I got to wondering WHY???? At first I thought it was prophetic...that I had spent so many years planting seeds of divorce in our family that the seed had grown. So I rebuked and uprooted the seed. Then I got to thinking that maybe God is dealing with my absolutely irrational fear and hatred for divorce. It's so bad I still haven't seen movies like Kramer v Kramer. I generally don't watch any movies with divorce. I can't bear the pain. And if some real life woman kills her philandering husband I generally have no problem with it. (I'm way more lenient about women killing husbands than vice versa.) It's so bad that I can't read the story of Jacob and Leah or the story of Ishmael and Isaac. Or Hagar and Sarah. Not really divorce stories but they are stories about love being rationed...and folks being categorized. Hubby and I are reading through the Bible together. 3 chapters or so in the morning. One or two in the afternoon. And some more at bedtime. And I know the word of God is alive. It's possible that God is healing me of this woundedness -- being a child of divorce whose father said we were no longer his real children. Cause the upshot of all of this pain is that I also get mad at God for allowing that unfairness. And really God is gracious. So the human idea of fairness shouldn't matter. Interestingly, this makes me read the Bible with more compassion for characters such as Hagar, Ishmael, Esau, Michal, Potiphar's wife, Absalom, Prince Shechem, than the typical Christian has. I dislike Bible study folks having sacred cows and scapegoats in the Bible-- folks I SHOULD hate or folks I SHOULD like. You can always tell how loving or cold-hearted or unthinking a minister is when he seeks to find a reason to hate Esau, Michal, Shechem et al. It's like they say: "we're supposed to hate these folks because they're bad." And they forget that EVERYONE in the Bible is bad except for Jesus. And when they start hating on some Bible person like Esau or Absalom or whoever I just see their narrow-mindedness and their searching for sins. Anyway, am rambling. I feel God's word is working within me and healing me of this stuff....and my feeling that God is unfair (hey, it's not him who's interpreting the Bible so unlovingly; it's his people.)

Then I dreamed of someone from my hispanic church saying, "So you're coming back to church now?" It seems I was...and I was going to continue going there and not leave again. Will see if that happens. They have church at night...and that plays havoc with sleep issues.


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