Friday, March 02, 2012

Resolution: No more silence before my accusers

I have a very bad habit which has caused me much trouble over the years. Weird thing is, this troublesome habit which causes me trouble is something I do to avoid trouble. Must think, must think.

I tend to be silent before my accusers. (I'm talking about friends in real life, not internet folks whom I can always snap at.) The thing is I hate disagreeing with folks.

This isn't the sane spiritual thing of "not railing against a person" or "returning tit for tat" or behaving like Jesus who opened not His mouth when accused or turning the other cheek. It's nothing that sane. My problem is  sitting still (or standing still) in utter silence while someone accuses you of something you have not done (or someone projects something onto you that you aren't.) I'll admit that when I was a teenager, I thought that sitting around being accused was the spiritual sane thing to do. But I wasn't spiritually sane then, I was bullied and repressed and fearful of challenging the adults around me. But I'm "all growed up now" so why the heck am I still behaving repressed when dealing with other adults? Is it because I don't think I'm an adult in some way? Is it because I am basically a peaceful person and hate arguments? Is it because I want to appear to be a basically peaceful person even with idiots I don't want to remain friends with? And why the heck do I continue to be silent even when I do NOT want to be friends with these accusers? Shouldn't I use the opportunity to totally tell them off and to speak my mind in my own defense? Why can't I open my mouth and defend myself?

Ah, questions, questions.

Since this is the year in which I'm aiming to lose my repressions, I really have to work on it. Not that I'm gonna go around writing letters to everyone in the past telling them all about their wrong perceptions of me in the past...but starting now...if anyone accuses me -- demon, friend, family, or foe-- I'm gonna have to speak up.Cause seriously, I have RUINED many a good story by using a plot line to explain myself or to show someone how wrong her projections are. Not that human cruelty makes for awful storywriting, but I can't substitute telling my truth in a novel as a real-life real-time defense

I remember a day my mother came to visit. I was about 25 maybe. I was reading a Christian book on meditation with the word ecstasy in the title. (Somehow the name "Morton Kelsey" comes to mind but I'm too lazy right now to look up the internet.) My mother saw this book and said with heavy rebuke, "Carole, you shouldn't read dirty books like this."

Okay, so why didn't I just say "Ma, the book is about Christian mystics like Theresa of Avila." I just stood there. I do that kinda thing ALL the time. I simply allow folks to project onto me or say weird things and I sit there (or stand there.) It's not a religious thing with me. When I'm standing there stunned looking amazed and confused (which my accusers interpret as guilt) I don't think: "Oh, look how spiritually patient I'm being with this person who is assuming stuff about me and projecting this weird thing on me." NOPE. I think, "What is wrong with me? Why can't I open my mouth and defend myself?"

Ah, me, what a life? At fifty-two trying to figure out how to stand up for myself? Trying to figure out not to be stressed when I open my mouth to some cruel (or not so cruel) person projecting their crap all over me? Ah me, better late than never. God, I'm trusting you to help me on this. Cause even Jesus defended Himself to some folks. And I'm not gonna wait til I'm dead and resurrected for projectors to see that they wronged me.

Now, back to revising Constant Tower....which is all about a kid who at least defends himself.




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