Tuesday, September 06, 2011

Well. . . uhm, that was sudden.

Last night as i lay in bed i realized something. I no longer feel the need to have those who wounded me understand how they have wounded me. So weird. 
I no longer wish to have my inlaws understand what they did to me. When did that happen?
it was so weird,
this sudden realization. All these years, trying to make folks understand!
All these years using my stories to make cruel dismissive people understand my soul!
Now I can write a scene in a story and not have to explain to the reader what it is like to be sleepless for 26 years andtaking care of a 21 year old Gabe

It's as if
now i know that God and the angels know and love me
and those who love and understand me really do love and understand me
and so why do the others who harm me matter? I felt so free
so weird, though, because the wrong persons have always mattered so much to me. 

This new realization will priobably free up Onion too, and all my writings.
because Onion will no longer be chained with or charged with explaining my life
and my dream life will be free of trying to explain to the brother-in-law what insulting me on my wedding day did to me, what the cruelty of my mother-in-law did to me. 

Why and whence this sudden freedom? When did it happen? Not sure.!
But it's very freeing
folks judge
and assume they know what pain I've gone through and how little and unimportant that pain is 
and i've gotten so upset at their dismissive ness and their inability to understand
and now suddenly i am free from the need to have them understand

it's a release
what do the negatives matter when the positives love me? 
God and my friends and my family?
it really is like a weight lifted off me
I sincerely have been relieved of the need to make another understand.
and there's no bitterness at all in my heart
just not really caring one way or another

How strangely bizarre to be so suddenly free from this!


Satima Flavell said...

Great insight, Carole! Hugs.

Carole McDonnell said...

Thanks, Satima! I guys one can be surprised by being suddenly healed of a thing. -C

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