tuna and lobster dream

I had a little dreamlet that was interesting. Dreamlets are important things. But a small dream is as important as a large dream...and sometimes even more so. It's as if God and/or the body wants to get the news to us in clear, clear, images without all that extra stuff. And I've been so sick lately, this dream definitely is speaking to me about something I need to hear. The question is: what is it saying?

I dreamt my husband or son had made seared tuna. But there was also a skillet with lobster on the burner. I knew I shouldn't eat the lobster because it is forbidden in the Bible -- the cockroach of the ocean, my gyno would say-- but I took it anyway. Then the dream ended.

First, I think the dream is about disobedience and human apetites. We are led into danger by something we "prefer" even if it's dangerous to our health.

Secondly, I think it refers to spiritual food. We have to be careful what spiritual things we allow ourselves to listen to. Itching ears want to hear certain things.

Thirdly, I think it refers to physical food. We have to eat food that is healthy for us. Non-packaged, non-processed foods primarily. Foods in MSG, with soy, etc...is unhealthy for all of us in general and very very unhealthy for some of us specifically. Also, come to think of it, lobster has a lot of glutamic acid.

Fourthly, I think it refers to emotional food such as entertainment. Today on SciFi channel, there's a creepy crawlie fest. Mosquito, Locust, etc. (Actually, locust is allowed on the Biblical diet) But perhaps I should do a lot of Bible reading, praising, simging...instead of watching movies today.

Fifthly, the tuna was real tuna. Not the canned type. That canned type gets me so sick sometimes because of the "broth" it's processed in. Frankly, i always think that real tuna is just plain too dry...but I gotta do what I gotta do.


-C

Tales from the hood

I told my veggie friend -- whose distrusts the media and all things normal-- that when it comes to soy she really has to remember that big corporations are behind the push for it. She's also very anti-world bank. So she should remember soy and what it's doing to Brazilian farmers.

Well, last night older son was celebrating the 21st b'day of his Turkish-American best friend Mehmet, He, Mehmet, Romance, and Battle (that's his last name but they all call him that) all went to a club in Poughkeepsie. They were having a good time when some guys approach them. Battle's big problem is that he's way too friendly with strangers. So he's being way to friendly with these guys. The next thing you know these guys are following them out in the parking lot. Much to the annoyance of older son. All of a sudden these stranger guys say, "we got a gun, let's go out and rob people." Older son is like, "Say what? What did you just say?"

Minor pause for backstory: I make older son read the proverb chapter of the day. Proverbs 1:10 goes something like, "My son, if sinners entice thee, consent thou not. If they say, come and lets lie in wait for the innocent and slay them for all they cash, don't do it." Other backstory: we've been praying Psalm 91 over this kid especially, "the lord delivers Logan from the snare of the fowler" Other backstory, I'm lying in bed trying to sleep -- for the eighth sleepless night in a row-- (Next week younger son is on school recess. YAY!!!!!! That makes me happy. I can rest in bed in the morning....if I don't sleep. But am planning on sleeping. And tomorrow is the weekend so I can rest all day also.) and having nothing better to do am asking God to protect older son (who didn't tell us he 'd be leaving work for a party.)

Stranger guys start being assholes and start saying "come on, it's easy." Older son and peeps walk to car with strangers still following. Someone in older son's posse says something which annoys the strangers (not sure who said it but I think it was Romance.) Strangers say, "I could kill you here, bro." That's it. Mehmet and older son get into car and peel off. This morning older son says to me, "Them Poughkeepsie guys are grimy, yo. Newburgh is worse, you know what I'm saying. But Poughkeepsie's got them clubs...and you know...well they all go there." Aaargh. I sooooo need some peace in my life. Way too much drama going on. But it's nice to know that God's got my back and that the word of God was living, active, and powerful in protecting my son.

Went to deli around the corner and who do I see looking gorgeous and 60 pounds skinnier? A woman who thinks she is more classy than I am. And what was I wearing? Crummy neighbor clothing...with no bra...and pendulous breasts flopping. I HAVE SOOOOO got to learn how to bike. And I've got to lose weight. People pick on black women for being fat as if we overeat. But there are allergy issues, stress issues, dehydration issues, and money issues. Folks just like judging.

In the past 14 months, five people have died from being arrested in police custody in Newburgh, NY. That's all I'm gonna say about that.

Calling those things that be not as though they are

Am pondering a few things.

When Jesus met Peter he said to him, "You are Simon. From now on your name is Peter."

The word Simon means a "reed" (A broken reed God will not break.) But still reeds are pretty wimpy and drifting and directionless. So Jesus didn't want to call him that. It was a bad name. Hey, the other disciples were probably just as wimpy...and Jesus was praying for all of them, especially since the devil wanted to sift Peter like wheat. So Jesus named Simon "Cephas" which means Rock. Rocky. Petros. A man of stone. He called Peter what he wanted Peter to be.

When James and John wanted to call down thunder to destroy the Samaritans. Jesus called them the Thunder Boys, the sons of thunder. In that case he called them what they were. And yet it wasn't a bad nickname. It's not like he was going to call them Samaritan-killers. It's not so bad knowing one is a son of thunder. They were, like Elijah, quite aware of the power and authority God had put into his people. As long as they didn't send she-bears down to eat up kids, as long as they didn't destroy innocent people out of spite....heck why not keep the name?

When Jesus said he himself was going to be killed in Jerusalem, Peter decided to speak positively and to rebuke Jesus for saying something negative. He said with great authority, "You shall not die in Jerusalem." Either he said it as a note of worry to snap Jesus out of it, or he was exercising his spiritual power of faithful speech and positive confession. After all, Jesus had been trying to teach these guys how to have faith in using his word as authority. But it was the wrong time. God alone can tell us when to use his name and his authority.

When Jesus saw the apostles on the boat, he was about to pass them by...but he realized they weren't going to use the word of power to stop the waves...so he used it themselves. They had power to stop the waves and wind but they were depending on him. Again, it's a matter of knowing what and when......

Am pondering this.

Timing, fate, fortune, luck

Older son came home from work last night all-a tremble. "Mom," he says, "you've got to ease my mind about something that happened this morning in school. I've been thinking about it...all day."

Turns out he got an award at school and later there was a talent show and he got one of the last tickets although the show had only fifteen minutes to go. So he figured, why not? So in he goes. And turns out there's a raffle with the tickets. The raffler-picker (or whatever you call her) dipped her hand into the box and took out a ticket, called a number. Waited. Repeated number. Person wasn't there. Took out another ticket. Called a number. Waited. Repeated number. Person wasn't there. Took out another ticket. Son heard all the numbers on his ticket being read except the last one. He wondered if he should walk the long road ahead to claim the prize. What if he was an idiot, etc? Folks upfront might laugh at him. Raffler repeated number again. Yep, it was his number. He had won $200. And we really coulda used the money. But he was afraid of walking upfront but was still nervous...and just couldn't do it. Some guys who disliked him were upfront and none of his friends were around. As he pondered whether he should go or not, the raffler-picker lady called out a new name. He let the money go. He was existentialistically-stressed about it all day. Why had such a thing happened? Had he been an idiot? Was this just bad luck dogging his steps?

It reminded me of another time when some weirdo technical glitch happened with my phone just when I was about to win a radio program giveaway.

The kid was so weirded out I had to say...

Well son remember when my friend the singer always bought a lotto ticket and the one night she didn't buy the ticket was the night she won. Remember? She said everything kept telling her to buy the ticket as she usually did and when night fell she kept thinking, "did I forget to do what I was supposed to do?" Then the next morning she was sooo nauseated when she saw the numbers and realized they were her numbers? And she was in bed for a week. Son, maybe God made her not buy that lottery ticket. All the bad family issues that pop up with winning lottery tickets. And it's possible that if you had taken the winning money those weirdo enemies of yours might have jumped you and taken the money. Maybe God protected you.

I said, "yes, maybe it's not that you weren't listening to God but that you were."
"Yes," he said, "and none of my friends were there to walk with me back to my car."
Ah, the things we moms have to do. Am not sure if I said all this to ease his spirit...or if I really believed it. But it gave him peace.

Well, okay, the same weirdo thing kinda happened to me today. I'm home all day and made absolutely no phone call. And the very moment I made the phone call....wouldn't you know..an important call came in.

This kind of stuff happens not always..but often enough to make one really ponder what exactly luck is...and what fortune--misfortune...or God's timing is. I just have to decide that my times are in God's hand.

Treasures in earthly vessel

Am thinking of the Bible verse: "We have this treasure in earthly vessels." What treasure? The glory of God.

Elsewhere Paul says, "Don't say 'who will ascend up to God to bring Christ down?' The word is nigh thee....even in thy mouth."

Elsewhere he says "By whose stripes you WERE healed."

We really must believe we have...not that we will have...but that we already have the fullness of the glory of God in us. We have to believe the finished work of the cross of Christ is already working in us.

With the heart man believes that we HAVE salvation. With the mouth, confession is made unto salvation. Having and calling more and more into being what we already have.

Paul also says: No weapon formed against us shall prosper...and every tongue that rises up in judgement we will condemn.

When we don't speak about our salvation, we are not accepting what we have. We are allowing the sickness to prosper against us by not condemning it. WE are the ones who must condemn the sickness by denying it its right to challenge what we believe about Christ's finished work. We have every right to condemn sickness because we know what Christ has done for us. We must fight the good fight of faith. And show forth our treasures...and bring forth what we want....and we shall have whatsoever we say. Jesus told us that Satan comes to steal the words from our hearts. Well I heard a minister say that We must steal the negative words coming at us. I like that. Everytime autism and muteness and allergies tell me my son will never be healed, I will say "The Lord healed him 2000 years ago on the cross thank you. And that healing will manifest in his life because the Lord has promised me I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."

Heck, when I was writing my novel I'd meet all these negative writers. They'd say, "it's hard to be published." They'd say, "White folks just aren't gonna publish black folks." They'd say, "your book has too many things that people don't see together. Fantasy with race with christianity. No one will buy it." I told them that if they were gonna be negative, I didn't want to listen to them. The Lord tells us to be careful how and what we hear." Most of these folks aren't published. They still whine about the world instead of fighting the negative thoughts.

Everytime some negative prophecy or worldly bit of wisdom comes at us and tries to overwhelm our minds with doubt and despair, let's condemn those negative satanic despairing thoughts with God's own positive word. And let us believe that God's finished work is working gloriously in us. Immanuel. God with us. Lord, we lift our hands to give you the glory and we will worship you for the rest of our days. Amen, true and faithful.

Two Tim Hawkins christian comedy routines

Tim Hawkins on Church:


Hedge of Protection:



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bvy_CMOhrg0

Where is my faith?

A great windstorm arose, and the waves beat into the boat, so that it was already filling.
But He was in the stern, asleep on a pillow. And they awoke Him and said to Him,
“Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?”
Then He arose and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Peace, be still!”
And the wind ceased and there was a great calm. But He said to them,
“Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith?” And they feared exceedingly,
and said to one another, “Who can this be, that even the wind and the sea obey Him!”

Mark 4:37-41 NKJV

I'm thinking of the time when Jesus' disciples came to him when they were apparently -- to the human eye-- in great overwhelming trouble. They snapped at him and said, "Don't you care that we're going to die?" To which he answered, "Where is your faith?"

Yes, where the heck is my faith? I know God loves me. I know that by Jesus' wounds we were healed. I know God is powerful, caring, loving, merciful, compassionate. But why don't I have any gentle peace about these prayers? Okay, okay, in the old days the old folks would "pray through." Maybe I should do it...sit at the side of my bed and pray and pray and pray until I feel God's peace falling down and enveloping me.

Aaargh. I love talking to God but to set time aside like that. I'm one of those lazy types that likes listening to sermons or the Bible on CD or to praise television. Devotion by soaking. I like praying at night and in the morning and at lunchtime -- hubby calls me from work to tell me when he's going for his walk and we pray together during that lunchtime-- but to actually kneel down at the bed and pray through....well....

One of the taped ministers whose sermons I listen to at night is Emily Dotson. I listen to Andrew Wommack too and tapes/CD's from Sid Roth's Messianic Vision. But I especially love Emily Dotson because when she was miraculously healed she was prayed for by a regular person and she worked out her own salvation with fear and trembling and much persevereance in a spiritual battle. A part of me keeps thinking that I'd like my son to be miraculously healed by my own praying and persevereance (and prayers from my friends and my church.) I don't much like the idea of folks being healed in great evangelist healing ministries. Because those folks may have gifts of healing and gifts of miracles and my mother's friend was miraculously healed of brain cancer in one of those healings -- a Catholic priest-- but the FACT is that all Christians have the power, authority, and ministry of healing as part of our great commission from God to occupy until he returns. And that's what is so wonderful about the Emily Dotson tape. She prayed through and pushed and pushed. All by her lonesome. So am trusting on that. I'd hate to have to sit through a healing sermon -- with whining moaning younger son beside me-- until the healing began.

God has been really trying to tell me to trust in him. It amazes me that we are a people made for faith, we humans...and yet... we have so much trouble trusting God. The effect of the fall, definitely. Humans are made up of love, hope, faith...in God's image...and yet we are so prone to despair and doubt. And it's soooo odd that even those of us who love God simply cannot trust him. What work the human soul needs! Trust him. And I'm trying to trust him too.

Besetting Sin

I keep asking myself: When will I be free from these particular issues?

Fear -- child of alarmist mother, grandchild/relative of people who delighted in scaring and terrifying young children.

Worry/Post Traumatic Stress -- And a terrible fear of having to take care of myself. I've been in a state of worry/spiritual divorce/abandonment/ it seems like all my life. I'm hoping in God to help me cast my care on him.

Fear of man, personal history of judgmental people and self-repression -- A terrible inability to tell people when they've hurt me...a fear of hurting them... a fear of being disliked by people. A fear of falling short or being judged by them.

I know most Christians will give an easy answer to it -- cause they are such know-it-alls-- but God is able...even now, after all these years...to heal one like me who is so beset with fear. It's hard to believe in a miracle when one has had a problem for so many years but... if Jesus healed the man at the pool of Bethesda who had been sick for so many years, I know he can healed me. If I CAN BELIEVE and learn to trust him. One moment at a time.


-C

the temptation to laugh

Have you ever had so many flaky bad stuff happen to you in one month that you just want to both cry and laugh?

I had forgotten how much the devil hates humans. All those movies where Satan is shown as either the symbol of freedom (against boring restrictive God) or as jealous of humans (because God loves us so much) cannot begin to understand the choreography of demonic evil in human and cultural life.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sounding all medieval here. Making everything out to be all about the demonic etc....but honestly, there are so many weird things that happen in some folks lives that one can only think there is some spiritual assignment against them.

I have a friend whose husband has been dying the past four years. I won't tell her name but some of you know who she is. This is in addition to the other stuff happening in her family. The poor woman's hubby is in so much pain that he gets down-right suicidal and she has to be on the alert all the time that he doesn't take pills or stab himself or kill himself when she isn't looking at him. Okay, I believe that sometimes we open the door/hedge for bad things to happen to us: bad diet, bad speaking, family curses, etc. But sometimes....well, there are demonic snares afoot.

The weird thing though is that when stuff gets really bad in my life I cry and when it gets really bad I start laughing...because I had forgotten God's people had been so hated by those who hate those who love God. And when things get so bad I wish I were dead I just get up and sing because singing praises to God fights the spiritual enemies. But as I get those pray-for-us emails from my friend....well I just can't laugh. I can't praise. I just have to pray. What a sad life the earthly life can be!

Dossouye: a Charles Saunders anthology

Charles Saunders, that excellent Afro-centric fantasist, has just published a new book, 'Dossouye', with Sword & Soul Media. The book is available via print-on-demand at www.lulu.com

'Dossouye' consists of all the short stories about the African Amazon warrior that were published in anthologies over the years, plus a brand-new novella. He heavily revised the first Dossouye story, "Agbewe's Sword." The others were slightly altered to make them flow better sequentially. The new novella, "Obenga's Drum," puts the preceding stories into context, and ends the volume.

Here's the blurb:

Charles R. Saunders, critically acclaimed author of the cult classic Imaro novels, has created yet another heroic-fantasy icon in an Africa of a different place and time. Orphaned at a young age, Dossouye becomes a soldier in the women’s army of the kingdom of Abomey. In a war against the rival kingdom of Abanti, Dossouye saves her people from certain destruction; but a cruel twist of fate compels her to go into exile. Mounted on her mighty war-bull, Gbo, Dossouye enters the vast rain forest beyond the borders of her homeland, seeking a place to call her own. The forest is where Dossouye will either find a new purpose in life… or find her life cut short by the many menaces she encounters.

Sword & Soul will also be publishing the remaining Imaro novels. So, if you can spread the word about this, I'd really appreciate it.



Well folks, Worth the price of admission alone! Everyone please support . You'll be glad you did!

update on novels-in-progress

I am really realizing that both my new works-in-progress deal with wars.

BACKSTORY: The gospel of Jesus Christ is that we were once at enmity with God but now we have been placed by Christ, through our faith and acceptance of his bloody sacrifice of himself, into the kingdom of God's dear son. We have a captain who has destroyed and plundered death, the demonic dominion of this world, and sickness. He has taken captivity captive and given gifts to men....especially the gift of authority and power over the kingdom of Satan. Through the eucharist, the blood of Jesus, the word of God and faith we can conquer as Jesus did.

Inheritance takes place in real-world upstate New York. Or rather the actual world. (God and the angels alone live in the real world. And those in Christ are trying to live in the spiritual world but we are so carnal minded we sometimes can't see what God's word -- truth-- says about certain situations.) So now am really trying to make this demonic/deliverance story more real-life than it's been portrayed in novels and television. A succubus story that is normal yet can scare the pants off you cause it's sooooo close to home. I tend to like horror stories that seem more real and seem as if they really could happen to a regular person. A) because those horror stories are truer, and B) because those horror stories are always happening in the world...except that people don't think of them as demonic stories. Heck, a serial killer murdering women and who is only capable of sexual fulfillment if he has sex with dead bodies, baby girls, or whatever kind of sexual perversion out there....that's demonic. Except the world -- and many Christians-- just don't believe it. So the creative work of inheritance is to show the demonic in a way that is exciting for horror readers but which rings totally true.

The Constant Tower, on the other hand, I think is gonna be kinda allegorical. And this kinda scares me. I hate allegorical Christian stories. Sometimes they are so point-by-point match-game that the story is stiff. By which I mean the stories are so filled with symbolism and sermon illustrations that there's no breathing room. The two basic allegories in Constant Tower are: 1) The world is out of sync and people of that world think that the out-of-sync-ness is normal. and 2) there is a Great Spiritual war going on in that world but peoples in the world are unaware of it. So, how to do it?

Will see. Gotta focus. Gotta make the stories Christian without being cookie-cutter, true without being preacherly, paranormal without being flaky. Wish me luck.

-C

Rubber hitting the road II

Okay, I am TRYING my best to be a good Christian and all but I really have to decide about getting rid of certain stuff in my house. Not my stuff mind you. Some of these "things" have a place in my heart. Some not. Some have a "place" in my older son's heart.

Example: If I am committing to a miracle for younger son, should I be keeping all those old tattered picture books he's had for 17 years? No, i think not. Out they should go. Even if he likes hearing them, I should start reading older kid stuff to him. Maybe even the Bible.

Example: My son's hip-hop tracks on MY computer. Okay, so there I am listening to some great sermon on whatever -- faith, standing on the word, sowing and reaping, whatever-- when the sermon ends and what pops up a song my son likes (Juvenile, Lil Wayne, etc) Or a song written by my son and his hip hop band. I don't really want to get rid of these tracks cause I like music. Of all kinds. Plus those songs aren't really mine. This is pretty iffy. I really don't want to seem like one of those cookie-cutter Christians who has a house with only pure things inside it. (For instance, some of my favorite movies are rated R and I am not going to give them up for anyone just because they have a little sex and violence.) I'm thinking that blatant sexuality is annoying but some songs...well, I have a blue-grass song in my computer about reincarnation. I like the song but I don't believe in reincarnation. Can I die to self and actually toss the thing away?

Example: There I was looking over the top of the bookshelf when I see a DVD packet. I pull it down to see what the heck it was and I am greeted by these big round black women's booties in my face. Aaargh! Back in the day parents had to deal with finding porno mags, now we have to deal with finding porno mags AND porno DVD's. (No, it's not my hubby's DVD) Older son has got to stop bringing this stuff home. Now isn't this the kicker? Here I am trying to speak to spiritual mountains, trying to speak with spiritual authority to illnesses and I cannot even tell my older son to take out the garbage...kitchen garbage and otherwise.

Come on, Carole! Get yo Christian act together.

Rubber hitting the road

Or, as we Christians say...."Building one's life on the rock" and "Being a doer not only a hearer" or "walking the walk and talking the talk."

Because of the situation going on at my house, I am really committing to trusting in how the Bible says things work: praise destroying the enemy, the word being living and active, actively praying for someone who is actively hurting me, speaking to the mountain when praying as Jesus commanded in addition to talking to God about his promises, praying in tongues more, dwelling in God's word day and night, rejoicing always and not leaning to my own understanding. And there has been quite a spiritual battle going on. Cannot tell you how many weird, cruel, and just plain bizarre harassment the family has gotten....kind of like a demonic choreography of evil. But am totally trying to do things the Bible way....especially with simply praying and speaking the word instead of praying and speaking the problem.

My computer begins its day with one sermon and flows, via my son's hip hop sleazy anti-women songs, to other sermons. I suppose I could fiddle around and try to make the music program separate spiritual mp3 from hip-hop and other mp3's...but you know how it is...when you start fiddling around with some program or other and making playlists etc...well before you know it.... three hours go by.

In addition, I generally have my television turned on to gospel music channel or god tv. So the word is bursting off the walls around here.

Okay.... off to work on my WIP-C

Wars, small, great, undeclared, and recurrent

Yesterday I stayed in bed all day and watched movies. I saw two movies I hadn't seen before. One was called Tomorrow (by writer Faulkner by way of director Horton Foote and actor Duvall) and the other was called Constantine with my lifelong crush Keanu Reeves. (In fact I have had such a jones for Keanu for such a long time that in Wind Follower I actually named my character Kaynu after him.)

Anyways, Constantine --despite Keanu's gorgeous self-- just had me rolling my eyes. Hey, I'm okay with folks fooling around with Christian theology but what a mish-mash it all was! I mean...he had to look into the eyes of a black cat in order to enter hell. What's that about?

"Tomorrow" on the other hand touched me -- although I think the actual Faulkner story would have touched me more. I can't help it. I'm a Black Jamaican but I have always had this fascination with poor white folks in Appalachia. Supposedly --at least this is what I pick up from the media-- these salt of the earth types would be the first to lynch me. I can watch movies about city sophisticates having all kinds of angst but the stories that really touch me are those about poor, country people, whatever culture they're from: China, poor white, Africa, Latin America, African-American.

So there I was watching it and reminding myself that I haven't seen The Apostle in a while when it suddenly dawned on me that all my stories are about wars. Wars, small, great, undeclared, and recurrent. In Wind Follower, my main characters thought the human war was over and they figured that as long as they avoided the spiritual war, the spirits would ignore them. In Constant Tower, there's a war of a different kind going on. And in Inheritance, wars also abound.

Of course all stories are about conflicts...and conflicts are another word for war. War against the self, war against nature, etc. Each author has her own opinion about what wars abound in this life. Romance writers concern themselves with the emotional wars at home and the wars between the sexes. Sometimes status and race are thrown in but for the most part, the characters in a romance story are dealing with their home culture and emotional inheritances and how their cultural inheritances conflict -- war with-- that of the one they have come to love. Other writers, on the other hand, deal with more political and social wars. And Christian fiction writers often deal with spiritual wars: the conflict between the self, the soul, and the spirit....and how that inner conflict is compounded when it encounters the world, the flesh, and the devil.

I totally believe that a great romance is the best kind of story possible. Why? Because it concerns itself with love --which is eternal and which changes the soul-- and with the creation of a new family/community while retaining the best of one's self and one's community. In Romances, relationships are ultra-important.

Now all this is tough for me to balance in a fantasy story which aims for action from the get-go. I, unfortunately, am fascinated by normal life --the normal life of the world we know, and the normal life of the fantasy world an author has created-- and what makes normal life tick. This means that even when I create a fantastical world, if I'm not careful I'll find myself wandering leisurely among the poor folk of that culture, ambling along the country lanes...and not pushing the plot along. Romance writers and Christian fiction writers are used to this kind of slice-of-life stuff. They are used to slow country rambles with subtle small conflicts and stressors. Most fantasy lovers, on the other hand, are more into Constantine-type stories. They want a lot more action upfront...like 30 pages of mucho drama, death, external warring. So I'm trying my best to get into that groove. What to do?

Work at figuring out how to work with cross-genres, maybe. Thank God I'm still growing as an author. I hope that whatever path my stories take -- the gentle ramble or the page-turning adventure-- that my fans will walk lovingly and patiently with me. Thank you all.

Okay I'll admit it

Okay I'll admit it.

Why the heck am I fasting? Is it a glorified diet? Is it the only thing I can do to respond to a vague feeling of uneasiness? Is it my attempt to get rid of my age-old uneasiness at last? I soo wish I was one of those Christian types who had a capacity for inner peace. I just always feel unsettled.

Is it my present crush on Jason Castro -- he of American Idol Fame? Bit of a digression here: Am I hoping to lose 100 pounds and to meet him and he'll fall madly in love with moi? (Dang, I'm vain!...or is it just old-maid desperation?)

It's weird when these crushes jump upon a person. One day one is living a regular life and the next day some young thing appears on the far far horizon and one's thoughts return to one's youth.....ahem.... (Although I have had crushes on older guys. A gay doctor was the last one. And he had a crush on me too, which was pretty par for the course. Me and gay guys seem to hit it off way too well. Lord knows what that tells about me.) The funny thing about being married is that one DOES end up getting little crushes along the way. Mercifully, being married prevents any kind of sinful stuff, but I'm always amazed how when one is stressing in life some sweet young thing always pops up thinking one is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Mercifully, some young thing hasn't popped up lately or lord knows what mental contortions I would be going through. Ah me! But I digress.... Jason is definitely a wonder. Now, along with my other mental to-do's, I now have to change this crush into a maternal caring.

But, returning to my main question:

Why the heck am I fasting? Weight loss desires? Fear of disease and obesity?
Worry about sons? That uneasiness and unsettledness and dread I have had since childhood? That legal stuff bit? Yes, my street cred issue is probably behind all this. Will the day come when the cops will be trying to catch Carole McDonnell ridin' dirty?

Well, I am hoping it's not a glorified diet. I'm hoping I'm fasting because I really want to get close to God and because I'm in a pickle and I know He'll help me out.

Things I've learned in my present attempt to fast (reason why this fasting was bound to fail today) : I can't not eat when I'm alone in the house. PLAIN AND SIMPLE! I just get lonely...and food comforts me until hubby and the kids get home. Worry eating. And I can't go taking away my worry-eating when the family is gone. It'll just make me feel really fragile (Okay, time for another Jason Castro you-tube reference by way of Sting.) So...gotta remind self...fast only when there's a school vacation...or on a weekend. Will start this fast again on Saturday.

And yeah, still thinking of Jason. Gosh, he reminds me of guys I knew in college back in the day. Ah Purchase College... Old Purchase students don't die....they just sell out.

Fighting against myself

Well, I seem to be in a battle against myself...on many fronts. Okay, okay, the battle is not ours but the Lord's... but still I've got to be aware that there's a battle going on.

First, on a creative level, I have to deal with this carnal Christian part of me. Yep, I'm a carnal Christian. So there I am...wanting to explore wounded and perverse sexuality (in a novel) and at the same time wanting to write a novel about a sane lovely white guy who falls in love with an older black woman. Problem: if I create a main male character who is too wounded, the subtext is gonna be "See, only nutty white men fall in love with black women." Yes, yes, admit it. That's what folks'll say. (People always ask why X falls for Y when X and Y seem diametically opposed.) Heck, that's what they said when my hubby fell in love with me. Hubby is kind of a cross between Ethan Hawke and Timothy Hutton. Nice looking, handsome in the sexy light of the bedroom. But hubby is relatively sane. Folks just couldn't understand what he was doing with me. (Never occurred to them that I am so witty and gorgeous that men simply had no control over themselves ....and that doors opened by themselves as I approached. Okay, perhaps I exaggerate a bit.) Upshot, though: I want to put black women up there as being beautifully sexual...past a certain age. Something this society doesn't do. Gotta do my part toward healing us and redeeming us from the Aunt Jemima image. And a young white guy character has got to be the male hero..cause --uhm-- they are the ones whose opinion on beauty matter in the media of these United States.

I really want to do a Christian love story...and watching Kate and Leopold last night -- first time I've seen it-- I have to admit I was touched. This in spite of all the historical errors. There is something about a noble hero. But then again, there is something in me that hates turning a story into some shared masturbatory pleasure. I want to create a noble lover worthy of a great story, but I don't want to be sitting around thinking, "Let me imagine what it would be like having such a cutie be in love with me."

And then there is that carnal part of me, the part of me that wants to deal with how sexually wounded I --uh, hum....I mean... WE... uh...no, i mean...some of us...-- are. Ah, gee! One has to be so careful. I certainly don't want to go around saying that some Christian women are sexually screwed up, repressed, wounded, victimized, etc. And I certainly don't want to say that I am a mess. But dang, I wanted to write about sexually wounded men. Sex is such a strange and powerful force in our lives. How to do it? how to do it? And do I have the skill to make it all lyrical, spiritual, Christian, yet not heavy-handed?

The clearest bit of wisdom I've gotten from God so far is this: "Carole, you're trying to write a novel that will work for a secular company (which doesn't mind eroticism and racial issues but which might have problems with the religious aspect)and a Christian company (which might have problems with race and sex but which would like the Biblical stuff). If you're trying to hit two targets that are in two different directions, how can you hit either?" Okay, I think that was the wisdom and guidance God gave me. I think.... Holy Spirit didn't give me any specific instruction about what to do. I think He's leaving that up to me and will bless whatever choice I make. He just wants me to "choose instead of trying to hit all the targets with one book." At least I think that's what He's saying. So I have to choose what kind of book Inheritance will be.

But that's not the only fight I have going on with myself. Other stuff: my temper, my problem with this current fast. (Dang, I hate not eating!) Aaargh. Okay, Lord, you've got to help me out here. I need to see clear. Be a light to my path....and a co-author to my new novels.

WORLD CHRISTIAN GATHERING OF INDIGENOUS PEOPLE UPDATE

WORLD CHRISTIAN GATHERING OF INDIGENOUS PEOPLE – ISRAEL 08
We are rapidly approaching the 7th WCGIP in Jerusalem. A number of travel agents have been added to the WCGIP website (www.wcgip.org). The number of people trying to visit Israel is at an all-time high. If possible please pre-register and pay your deposits quickly.

Native American Christian music CD's

Saw this in the wiconi newsletter.

A little over ten years ago there was virtually no Native-style music honoring Jesus that incorporated traditional drumming, chanting and other tribal styles and sounds. Today there are many dozens of such recordings. This reality is a refection of the spirit of Jesus at work in the lives of men and women who have been inspired to write new songs of prayer, celebration and honor to Jesus, born out of their identity as Native people. Accompanying every move of the spirit in a generation or people has been a “new sound” of celebration, or indigenous hymnody; from John Wesley, William Booth, The Jesus People Movement, to this current global Indigenous Jesus Movement. These new songs are helping bear the message of freedom in Jesus that you can be fully Native and fully embraced by God in your cultural world to people everywhere.

I want to recommend three new CD releases. They are Jonathan Maracle and Broken Walls “The Father’s Dance,” Michael Jacobs’, “Mystery,” and Cheryl Bear’s “The Good Road.” Jonathan is Mohawk, Michael is Cherokee and Cheryl is Nadleh Whut'en and while their music is different in style and sound, each share a message of freedom and hope in Jesus as native worshippers of Creator.

You can listen to sound-bytes of many of their songs on our website along with a few dozen more CD’s of powwow drumming music, flute music, praise music, instrumental stuff, etc., and then purchase them from wiconi's store shopping cart feature.

Wow, my first really bad review!

I stand here amazed. I got my first really really really bad review. It's up at Neth Space.

He says it was so bad he could only make it through the first 100 pages.
I don't know if he actually read the book at all though because he says

"Much of the first hundred pages are told in a first person narration."

But ALL of the first 100 pages are told in the first person. So am not sure what he means?

Then he says the book lacks subtly with religious things and says things are

"a bit on the conservative side for me."

But there isn't any kind of Christian religiosity in the first 100 pages. There is nothing religious at all. It's a tribal culture. And there's definitely no "conservative side" going on. I mean...WTF? Someone on a forum he and I belong to stated to Neth that the book was heavy-handed in some areas. Okay, putting aside that my muslim buddhist friends and my atheist friends didn't find it heavy-handed, I'll just say that any Christian elements appear in the last 100 pages of Wind Follower. Not the first 100 pages.

He says my main female character goes from strong-willed to meek and subservient for no apparent reason. Apparently, those three scenes where her mother tells her that if her father's debt isn't paid off he will be sold into slavery weren't reason enough. I've been told by an Arabian friend that my story shows how many women feel when they realize they might have married a man who might be a bully. Apparently Satha's fears and the moments when she does challenge her husband is deemed subservient.

Then, a poster Charlotte Byrd, posted that the book contained sections that were anti-Gnostics. This was weird cause she too admits that she didn't finish reading the book and even weirder cause I wasn't even thinking of the gnostics when I wrote Wind Follower. Heck, Christianity has tons of denominations that have added their own texts and prophets: Mary Baker Eddy's Health and Science, The Seventh Day Adventists and the Writings of Miss White, Joseph Smith's Writings. And if one considers that Mohammed was connected to the early Christians, one might even wish to add him into the mix of books influenced by the Jewish and Christian Bibles. So I was pretty much making fun of all Christian denominationalism, including my own.

Then, Neth answered that if I was picking on gnosticism then he definitely wouldn't read Wind Follower. Totally odd! What's that about? Gossip and assumptions build and build on top of false foundations. Now Neth's going to go around saying Wind Follower has an anti-Gnostics swipe.....all based on his not finishing the book and his believing the comment from someone else who didn't finish reading the book.

In addition, he is on several of the forums I am on and he seems to delight in bringing up some comment about my reaction to his review. I keep my mouth shut while he behaves as if he is the prince of manners. But is it good manners for him to keep badmouthing me? Why does he bring me up all the time? By name, no less. What the heck is going on here?

But some folks did defend me and another blogger got so interested in the mini-storm in the mini-teapot that he wants to read it for himself. So maybe this is all good.

Well Wind Follower has gotten some great reviews. Publishers Weekly (September 07) gave it a good review and said,

her elegant, meticulous world-building shimmers with the ambience of an old-world folktale

Library Journal (October 07) recommended it as a book for Black History Month.
Other reviewers have also really liked it.
J Kaye's Book Blog, The long and short, John Ottinger's Grasping the Wind, Mir's Mind Flight and Karen McSpadden's Disturbing The Universe: Reviews And Rants

Then Carl Brandon Society chose me as one of their recommended books for Black History Month and Wind Follower was nominated for the Clive Staples Award and the Pluto Award
(I recently was watching The First 48, a crime reality cop show. On that particular episode one 18 year old killed another 18 year old because he had heard the kid was gonna kill him. But of course the kid wasn't. Also am thinking of the white kids in Long Island who went to beat up a black kid because they had "heard" the black kid was planning to rape a white girl. The stupidity of these kids' abilities to read the mind of a would-be killer aside, it's amazing this mindreading ability created such a fuel that they went to the black kids' house. The father of the black kid shot them in self-defense. And of course all this is based on suppositions, lies, and people talking sh*t. It really has me thinking about the cruelty and the sinfulness of people speaking about what they don't know anything about.)

Yeah, a bad review is nothing compared to the death of two people....but it's scary that this kind of gossiping and unfounded talk can go on. I, for one, have never been comfortable with talking too badly about a book I've never read.

So I really should let it all bounce off me because no book can please everyone. Still and all, that a book could be so liked in one area and so savaged in another.....well, it makes one wonder! It really shows that it's all a matter of taste.

Check out this wonderful post called the book is not that interesting.

Kinda puts it all in perspective and ... I find myself in good company.

Pushing Envelopes

Who came up with this metaphor of "envelopes"?...and of "pushing envelopes"? It's an interesting metaphor. Up there with, "thinking outside the box" and "broadening the mind" and all those other catch-phrases which imply, for us writers, the fooling around with cross-genre stories.

Well, I'm working away on my current Work-in-progress, Inheritance.

When I start a novel, my aim is always to make it fully totally myself. Not because I'm so unique but because there are so many African-American Christian folks with First World issues....and I want to do my part in contributing to the emerging genre fantasy stories made for and by us. I can think of Neil Gaiman's Anansi Boys, The Shadow Speaker by Nnedi, Tobias Buckell's Science Fiction novels Ragamuffin and Crystal Rain, Robert Fleming's Havoc After Dark...among a few but honestly, considering there are so many Black, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, and South east-Asian folks in the US, there really ought to be more contemporary fiction (of whatever genre) on bookshelves that speaks to these cultures. Add to the mix that some of these folks are very religious --Christian, Buddhist, African tribal, Taoist, Shintoist-- and the main religion in fantasy seems to be Wiccan or Druidic... well, there is a major envelope that needs pushing, I think.

So that's my main purpose in my stories: to be as real and as fully me as possible. To be brave and put as much of myself into a story, in spite of the fact that the reader might not be prepared for such a world. In Wind Follower I wanted to be as Christian, as folklorish, as First Peoples, as High fantasy as possible....to see what such a book would look like. Just enough of the Euro-fantasy world to make it fit into the envelope. But enough to push the envelope a bit.

So there I was working on Inheritance. Inheritance is a book I want to be as Christian, as demonic, and as erotic as possible. The same envelope pushing. I wanted a succubus but I wanted a succubus that was really connected to Christianity, a female demon whom you hated, a demon who so intoxicated the sense of my main (good and noble) character that he would be tempted to rape any woman to repeat that pleasure. In short, I wanted to take my succubus seriously and do a modern-day version of The Exorcist with Christians fighting demonic possession. IN ADDITION, --because I wanted to put all myself in this story-- I wanted to deal with sexual-woundedness and make the story erotically-charged. And of course, all this had to happen to a black female Christian character.

Wind Follower got certain Christians annoyed with me because of six small sex scenes. Would I be willing to include the sexuality and alienate those folks again? And then there were the core fantasy fans. Many fantasy readers really liked Wind Follower but others were upset at its Christian content. Was I willing again to challenge the separation of genres? Did I want to push another envelope when Wind Follower had yet to prove that folks actually would read a book with a pushed envelope?

And what if I wasn't skillful enough to bring that book to fruition? If one speaks to pentecostal Christians, Native American non-Christians, Native American Christians, or Christians from Latin America, Asia, etc....talk of demons, spirits, and possession is fairly common. The problem is that although the demonic is ever present in the fantasy genre, most fantasy writers don't really really believe in demons. Heck! Some American Christians don't even believe in demons. Not to the extent that other folks do.

I've gotten some interesting correspondence re Wind Follower. Folks telling me that it connected them to their life in the old country, or that it reminded them of stories their grandparents told, or that it was a book that "didn't seem like a made-up book" because stuff like that happened to them in their old villages or in some weird town in Louisiana. I like that phrase: "didn't seem like a made-up book." So, for some folks, Wind Follower felt intensely real.

So, back to Inheritance: Can I write it? Can I ride on that edge again and cause the story not to fall flat? And if I do have the skill to write a story that is totally paranormal and totally sexual and totally ethnic, do I have the fearlessness to actually write it? The effect of bad reviews of Wind Follower (there have been about five, I think, that I know of. Five out of 23 isn't so bad but hey)can really make an author pull back from pushing that envelope.

When I read the Bible, I don't see it telling me to abandon my sin-stained culture to take on the European sin-stained culture. It wants me to be myself, a Christian of African-American descent. But when I read American fantasy, I feel as if I am called to abandon that culture and take on Elvish and Wicca. By the year 2057, the majority of citizens in the United States will be non-white. (The growth will be fueled by Latin American immigrants and their children. Most of these immigrants are Roman Catholic, Evangelical and even mormon.) Will fantasy books continue to call us to worlds of vampires, elves, wiccans? Worlds that have little to do with us? (I can deal with shapeshifters because shapeshifters such as werewolves occur in many ethnic cultures. I'd like to see less European shapeshifters, though.)

I'm hoping that writers of color and that my little book Wind Follower will help to push the envelope a bit...to create space on those fantasy bookshelves for books that reflect the ethnic and religious differences of the America that we are becoming.

Why does God have to swear?

Ever notice how many time God actually swears in the Bible?

What's that about?

St Paul tells us that he does it because he wants us to believe Him. Because God could swear by nothing higher, he swore by Himself, His name, His character.

Still, why do we have problems believing God?

How strange that the world is made of faith, and made by faith....and yet we who were made to have faith, made to be faithful,....are so unaccustomed to faithfulness?

Despair, doubt, discouragement (and all those d's) come so easily.

What joy and pleasure we would have if we woke up every morning with the Decision to simply believe God's word today!

The Pedestal of Author

Yesterday, I received a sweet little e-missive from a fellow author. In it, she lovingly but firmly told me about the concept of The Pedestal of Author. Backstory: I've gotten mostly good reviews on Wind Follower. When I have gotten bad reviews, I let it slide. Everyone has an opinion. When I get a really, really, really bad review....where the reviewer obviously hasn't written the book....well, I actually try to defend myself. Which is a no-no in writing circles, I'm told.

Anyway, the concept of The Pedestal of Author now has me thinking. What do I as an author think an author should be? What do I as an author expect my readers to think of me? What do I as a reader expect an author to be?

In some cultures certain kinds of vocation and work are considered important or honorable or "great." Nice job if you can get it. For instance, teachers are generally honored in many cultures. Doctors and Actors are honored in the United States.

In the black community, there is always so much pride and joy in great achievers. When I used to work in the high school I thought this pride in greatness was a bit dangerous. Kind of like an ethnic Cinderella Complex. Poor kids didn't want to be regular folks with normal jobs. They wanted to be famous rappers, great singers, sportscasters. It was as if their lives had been so bad that they only way they could overcome it would be to be in-your-face-famous with tons of bling, ho's, boy-toys, etc. I totally understand that. (And yeah, I'm actually cool with all those women wanting to hook up with Flavor Flav or Bret on VH1. You gotta do what you gotta do to get by. And hey, nice job if you can get it. But most people aren't gonna be famous. Fame is so important in our society. The nature of fame is that some folks simply are....and some folks aren't.

But I'm an author. Plodding work, a work of endurance, a work that revolves around ideas. I'm not particularly famous, though. Although you'd think from the way some folks in the hood behave, I'm the hottest thing since Vanilla Chai.

Hey, I don’t mind representing. What really makes my day at signings, etc is the love and appreciation my people have for me. They’re glad that I – a Black Woman– succeeded. If they are little old ladies, they ask where they can buy my book. When I tell them “from any bookstore!” they just smile and rejoice with me. Yes, I'm in a bookstore! When I say it's not self-published, it's from a traditional publisher, they really smile. When I say the book has so many religious stuff in it and so many racial stuff in it, but a secular publisher published it, they shout, "Praise the Lord! HE is able!" As a culture we have seen so many failures and struggles, that many of us still have a genuine joy and appreciation for those in our culture who have succeeded. Poor folks in the hood -- even the white ones-- love the idea that I'm an author.

Yeah, I’ll admit it. I get all teary-eyed when some Public Service Announcement pops up which states, “A black man created this…” “A black scientist discovered that…” And, yeah, I’m glad when I enter a room of little old Black ladies and they get teary-eyed over me.

Should we try to keep the mystique of Author Greatness? Do I OWE it to my people to behave like a real author, someone who symbolizes wisdom, persevereance, polish....and uh, maturity? If I DO try, how long can I keep up with it? Will I be able to be that other person long enough until it becomes second nature? When it become second-nature, will I become a pill, a know-it-all, or an object of pride and a help to all who know me?

Lord, help my people to continue to do great things. I'm trusting you to help me write this new WIP. Amen.

allies, kinda

This was an article sent to the black SF list by a white Jewish girl who is on that list. I want you to think about that for a second. Okay, got it? Because that's important. It shows a lot about who we are, about racial identity and political identity and religion and government.

So this is the article.
http://www.counterpunch.org/wise03182008.html

A great one....One which totally told so much about what I feel about being black in America, being a black Christian among white Christians and yet it's an article that I cannot entirely endorse. Why because I am neither the perfect progressive Christian nor the perfect Democrat nor the perfect liberal nor the perfect modern women. (By "perfect" I don't mean "without flaw" I mean "cookie-cutter.")

I'm a Bible-believing Christian. I DO believe people go to hell. The writer of the article seems to believe that God puts people in hell. I believe the Bible says hell is kinda the default when we die. Jesus takes us from the default, he doesn't condemn. I generally am not too sure who's going to hell, though. Not as sure as some people are. Can't get into theological discussion about that one. So the guy goes on about how crappy white televangelist ministers are. I can't really agree totally with that one either. Some white televangelists are actually quite honorable. Some black televangelists are honorable. And yes, Some white and black televangelists and ministers are questionable. So once again, I'm in a fix...feeling like Loic.... Religion versus race. Allies. What side do I want to be on? Which ally do I put on the back-burner for the nonce?

We live in a country of either-or...but people aren't either-or. Our party lines are either-or. And honestly, there is no true middle. So here I am trying to make myself understand this middle.

I HATE when this happens. I hate when I have to decide if an article suits the black me or the Christian me. So here I am wanting to send the article around. But now I have to decide. Do I send it to my Christian black friends? my christian white friends? my non-christian black friends? my non-christian white friends?

I'm way too bothered by stuff like this, I think. I sooo wish life had made me in such a way that I fell in very neatly along party lines. Nah, no such luck. The good thing about it, though, is that many Black Christian people feel as I do. ..... And many white Christians too.

Corrections

How strange and hard it is to be corrected!

Just look in the book of Proverbs for all those verses with: instruction, refuse instruction, corrections, rebuke, etc. So many things to learn, so little time.

As Christians we read so much about how to behave when corrected! And yet...Okay, I won't pull in other Christians. (All this talk of 'WE'!) I'll only talk about myself. Other Christians are great when corrected. Me, well... I only make matters worse by defending myself.

Why do we defend ourselves? Er,...uh...why do I defend myself?

First, ego, I think. The self...the emotion...the work...the word...the action... That's all we have. And the self --whether right or wrong-- doesn't like to be wounded, misunderstood, insulted. So yeah, right or wrong, I have to die to self.....and learn not to care what the self feels. Become like Christ basically.

But the most important I think is this: we defend ourselves because we feel others will not defend us. Or we think others will not defend us well enough. Some of us know what it's like to be undefended. Some of us are so emotionally wounded that even when people defend us we somehow feel it's not enough. That's all emotional.

The spiritual part is this: we don't think God will defend us. Or we think that if God defends us, the one who offends us will not see or recognize that God is defending us.

I'll tell you something. It's not a secret really because everyone who knows me is aware of this: I wish I were rich, powerful, with rich powerful friends. A kind of Christian Cinderella complex. I want to make up for my life as it is...as it once was.

But I am only rich in God's love -- which I often don't recognize.
I am only powerful in a very small sphere -- which is no real power at all.
And the only rich and powerful friend I have is God -- whose power the world generally does not recognize.

In such a state, what is a mere human to do? Sit back and accept corrections humbly? Retain no bitterness if one is not defended. Move on. As St Paul says, "This one thing I do.... Forgetting that which is behind, I press toward the high mark."

From the rising of the sun (the son)

I love praise and worship music. So ever since I got DSL I’ve been going wild downloading sermons and inspirational music of all genres and types. Plus, because I can watch youtube now, my youtube list includes Christian songs from all tribes, ethnic groups etc.

I’ve always liked music. I like to think of myself as the Top Forty music lover. I love the top forty rap songs, the top forty country songs, the top forty blues songs, the top forty classical music, the top forty.... well, you have the idea. I’m eclectic and if a song lingers near my ear long enough, I’m going to end up liking it.

Having had a long and flaky history of church attendance, I’ve grown to love all kinds of music.

The episcopal church taught me the old hymns. Those hymns are holy, reverent, wonderful. They bring tears to my eyes and make me bow my knee in wonder to the Lord of the whole universe. But they are from the English tradition of worship and English worship services – let’s face it-- are pretty restrained and upper-lipped. So there was all my Jamaican capacity for wild joy being squelched.

I’ve also been to charismatic churches. Charismatic services of all denominations. I’ve attended regularly the monastery at Graymoor where guitar-playing fat old monks played some of the worship songs which are common to all charismatic groups. But even here, things were just a little too controlled. And I’m not talking about the fact that everyone else in the group was Irish, Italian, or Polish. I’m talking about the music. I could praise God and even though those worship songs brought tears of devotion to my eyes, I couldn’t quite go wild with joy about Jesus as I could, say, when I was in my own house.

The black Baptist/Pentecostal worship music was always good. It touched my soul. Deeply. Because the history of African-Americans is one which --like Jesus the man of sorrows– is acquainted with grief, these songs are often imbued with grief, storytelling. They are full of glory, trial, and triumph. Edged with world weariness and existentialism, they are often like something out of the Biblical book of Ecclesiastes. Again...those worship songs brought tears of joy to my eyes.

But who knew there was a part of me that wanted to dance? God, I suspect.

One night out of the blue I had a dream of walking into this church. In the dream, the entire congregation turned to kiss me. When I woke up I was terrified. I hadn’t even thought about this dream and now I was being told to join it. I figured God had ordered me to join this church. When He tells you to do something, well you gotta obey. Despite the racial tension in town, I plucked up courage and attended the church to get a look-see at what God was getting me into. Everyone, EVERYONE, was friendly but distant. I mean...what was this overweight extremely tall black woman who spoke no Spanish doing in their church? When the minister asked me why I was visiting, I said, “I dreamt God wants me here.”

He nodded, totally understanding it. (I was to find out that folks in this church have no qualms about standing in front of the rest of the congregation telling their dreams if they consider the dream prophetic. Yep, a place after my own Jamaican heart!) I took note that the church was made up of Spanish-speaking short non-black Hispanics who were all in shape. I towered over everyone. But then the music began. And I’ve been attending Iglesia Mar de Galilea –Sea of Galilee church-- ever since. Four years now.

The church is 90% Ecuadorean and I am the only black person and the only English speaker, but I’ve gotten into Hispanic worship.

The interesting thing about Hispanic Evangelical music is that it’s so “allegre.” Even though many Pentecostal and Charismatic churches have folks dancing in the aisle, the typical American church song is just not danceable. I honestly can’t think of a Maranatha song that was made specifically for folks to dance to.

Whether inside the church service or during our fiestas (of which we have way too many) these evangelical Hispanic worship songs can fit anywhere. Which is a good thing because we are always dancing. We dance around and inside the sanctuary when someone gets her “papel” (immigration papers.) We have dances in the church dining hall to celebrate folks’ compleanos. The Latin-American evangelical church culture has infused God into everything and everything into God...so it’s nothing peculiar for me now to think of a church song as both a great praise song and also a really wonderful dance song. Hey, I learned how to dance my first paso doble to a Danilo Montero song.

I know all the names of the famous Evangelical Hispanic singers: Marcos Witt, Marco Barientos, Danilo Montero, Giovanni Rios, to name a few. I can tell a meringue from a salsa from a mariachi from an evangelical reggaeton. I know the difference between Guatemalan worship music, Sephardic ladino Latino praise, and Ecuadorean Andes worship. I am telling you: I have become a font of Hispanic evangelical musical knowledge.

When I stand in church and listen to Danilo Montero’s “Tengo Un Nuevo Amor” I imagine every tribe, every tongue, every nation praising God. So, yes, I still listen to other Christian songs. I’ve fallen in love with a Korean hymn called Lamb of God and several Christian Arabic tunes. I can pretty much understand some of the contemporary French worship songs. There is no place in the earth where the Lord’s glory is not sung about. In languages I understand, languages I don’t understand, and in languages I just muddle through.

Which reminds me. I have to commit to actually learning Spanish.

remembering

Well, I'm still seething about this annoying neighbor but I am also well past the point where I could fall into unforgiveness. Unforgiveness is pretty ugly in God's eyes. And as it is written, "Forgive us as we forgive."

Most folks seem to have this weird idea that if we simply ask God to forgive us, he has to forgive us. Not true. He may forgive us but he doesn't have to. And as the parable of the unforgiving steward showed us...if we can't forgive our enemy, there is no way God can forgive us. Blood of Jesus or not.

Yes, yes, I hear some folks saying, "The blood of Jesus covers all sins." Ah, does it now? Do you really want to hold onto your unforgiveness on the off-chance that the blood of Jesus will prevent you from going to hell? Heck, the book of Revelations tells us that outside the gate are "pimps, cowards, etc." No word said about whether those cowards are believers or not. John tells us, "he that hates his brother hasn't got eternal life in him."

So yeah, there is something about hatred that somehow destroys the efficacy of the Blood of Jesus. Again, I don't want to push it too far and say that Jesus' blood doesn't cover ALL sins, but really...do you honestly WANT to be in the throes of unforgiveness when you die?

I'm remembering all this because back in the day someone had hurt me so bad...and had caused me such terrible grief...that I developed a hatred for her. A hatred so bad I simply was wracked with it. (Okay, you all know I have a terrible temper, but temper is one thing and unforgiveness quite another. I get p*ssed and scream but I generally stop disliking the person by the next day. Unforgiveness, well, that baby takes over.)

So anyway, there I was...in the terrible pain of hurt and simply hating this horrendous person...when suddenly -- i mean just like that!-- I was someplace else. I was in my room on my bed at the beginning, mind you. Then the next thing I knew I was in hell. Falling, falling, falling. No end of the falling. Yep, the bottomless pit. All around me were all kinds of creatures -- very filthy creatures. And all sorts of sewage and refuse. And I was just falling, and falling, and falling, and falling. Endlessly falling. I cannot describe to you how terrible this all was.

Okay, some of you might not believe me. But some of you have. You too have had glimpses of hell or demons or whatever. But even if you haven't, I'm giving you my testimony and my testimony is true. Keeping unforgiveness in your heart just isn't worth going to hell.

At the end of the vision, I had returned to my room and the hatred against the person who had hurt me was mysteriously gone --after about two weeks of overwhelming me-- and my life was forever changed. Heck, I'd love to sit here hating my creepy neighbor...but certain things....well, let's just say I remember my short little stay in hell. And I DO not want to make that stay permanent. God bless.

Fave film: Rope

So there I was...waiting for the schoolbus to arrive when I start playing around with the remote and what do I see? One of my favorite movies, Rope, is on at 5 pm Eastern Time. TCM Turner Classic Movies. Talk about the intense joy I feel. I LOOOOVE this movie

Ah the joys of favorite movies! If I try to figure out what I like about the movie, I guess I could talk about Aristotle and the three unities but dang, that's not it. Sure all the action is scrunched up in one little night in one little place but that's not really it. The entire film feels scrunched. The actors seem squeezed together to fit into the scene, the actors are flustered as they rush to fit all their words into Hitchcock's articial "one take" and there is all that panning and all that sooming into and stopping the camera onto the back of a suit to change the reel.

But what really gets me about this film -- and yes, I have a major Farley Granger crush and have had it all my life it seems-- is how jumpy and stressed the film makes the viewer. I've seen modern flicks try to tighten the screws on characters and make a film which leaves the viewer on the edge of his/her chair unable to breathe. DOA, Torque.

But somehow they don't quite work as this one does. Because what makes it really work, i think, is the relentlessness of it all. There is a deep desire in the viewer to let the bad guys get away with their crime. The minute they do it, we know their personalities will be the downfall of them. Guilt is gonna get one of them, arrogance the other. Even then, although they are utterly unheroic characters, we want them to ...get away unpunished. Because they are human.

But our desire is thwarted, and it's like watching one's friends do something stupid ....and one simply cannot stop them in time...or save them. This, i think, is one of the things that makes this story essentially Christian. Watching one guy make a really bad arrogant decision and watching his stressed-out wimpy friend be dragged along for the ride. ...and thinking..."oh my god, oh my god, there is no way out for them now..... unless a miracle occurs." And all the time wanting the bad guys to succeed, not because they are such nice people, but because they are so like us sometimes...on a train with no turning back... and the only thing we can do is to beg and pray and hope that they get away with evil. Perverse joy, i know...but joy nevertheless.

Jesus' question: faith

Jesus said to his disciples: "When the son of man returns, will he find faith in the earth?"

Still an important question. I think he WILL find it. But faith won't be the major thing he finds. It'll be a pearl of great price.

Jesus will find doctrine. Christians consider this very important. They judge each other by doctrine. Although Jesus said people will know us by our love, people try to know if we are indeed brothers and sisters in Christ by what folks believe.

Not that love is missing. I think Jesus will definitely find love when he comes back to earth in bodily form. Many Christians are pretty loving toward each other ...and their fellow humans.

Jesus will find submission. He'll find a whole lotta submission. Submission that never learned to endure, submission that stopped hoping and stopped dreaming and made a theology of suffering to disguise bad teaching that steals our faith.

Jesus will find Moral behavior. Christians like good moral behavior. We judge and condemn others by how moral we think those others are. We not only judge the bad works of fellow Christians, we judge good works too.

Jesus told us to do good works and to occupy til he come. But look at those parable of works...these good works often have to do with investing faith. The occupation Jesus calls for is an occupation and invasion of the devil's territory: our minds. Sure, we must destroy the devil's works in society and do exploits -- but this doesn't mean bombing abortion clinics (as one -and only one-- person did). Nor does it mean cruelly persecuting people who are sinners.

But Jesus will not find faith. Faith comes from loving and reading and trusting that everything Jesus said was verily, verily, TRUE...was verily, verily, true. We are called to live a life of faith....where the unspiritual strongholds in our mind are destroyed by our faith in God's love, care, and miraculous power. Let Jesus find overcoming faith when he comes to earth. LEt him find overcoming faith even before he comes...that we may conquer Satanic strongholds of discouragement, diseases, doubt, grief, sorrow..... Let us truly occupy the enemy's territory and heal the sick, raise the dead, cast out demons.......til Jesus comes.

Striving and Resting

It's such a tough balance, isn't it?

On the one hand, we are called to strive for the faith, strive to enter in...but at the same time we are told to rest in Christ's finished work and to rely on his spirit and his word to do the work.

Am kinda attempting to do both at this point. Trying to simply trust that God's healing word is working in us...which means that I STRIVE to read the word for about a hour a day, STRIVE to remember to speak in tongues, STRIVE to remember to sing praises.

Then after I've done my daily worth of STRIVING, then I just have to tell myself to rest...that the word is working...even if i don't see it. That the praises are conquering worlds I don't quite understand, that the speaking in tongues is helping to edify me. Tough to rest in trust and faith, but hey....we're called to do it.

God bless.

Jesus' Failures

Last night I was thinking about Jesus' failures at his hometown. "He could not to any miracles there, except that he healed a few sick folk, because of their unbelief."

Imagine this:

Jesus heals a few stomach aches, a fever here, a headache there. But in his hometown when he said to the deaf, the blind, people with withered arms, paralyzed people, etc he couldn't heal them. Because in his hometown he couldn't do any mighty miracles because they thought they knew all about him. "Isn't this Jesus whose father and mother we know?" I wonder how Jesus felt when he knew he had the power to heal but the lack of faith was making miracles impossible. The Bible doesn't really say anything about his personal disappointment but he did say, "no prophet is accepted in his own country."

Now another city: Bethsaida were so filled with unbelief and yet many miracles were done in them. Bethsaida was so bad that Jesus had to take a man a long way from the city in order to heal him. JEsus had to pray for the man twice. And Jesus had to tell the man NOT to return to the city after he was healed. And yet he said, Woe to you, Bethsaida and Chorazin! IF the miracles that had been done in your had been done in Sodom and Gomorrah they would have repented.

So one city saw miracles and didn't believe enough to repent. The other city, his hometown, didn't even believe enough to see any miracles. I've got to think about this.

Kneejerk Disdain

Back in the day when I was an Episcopalian-bor-and-bred I had a gay priest who hated Bible-believing Christians. His hatred was visceral and his unequal treatment of his parishioners based on their beliefs was all too obvious. He was like night and day. He'd get bright red and he'd get very distant whenever a Bible-believing Christian approached him whether in or outside the churchyard. It was as if he was always ready to be hurt by them.

Well, I understood exactly how he felt. I've had my share of Christian cruelty. I remember the Assembly of God minister, Pastor Glickert, the white minister in a 99.9999% white congregation who decided to drag me up to the front of the conversation to talk about me living with my soon-to-be husband. (Other young folks had boyfriends too and were into extramarital sex but they were white young folks and their parents were in the congregation. I suspected he did this in order to make himself appear to the white congregation as hard on sin....and I, being alone, was a great tool for that purpose.)

I remember the white minister's wife who stood beside me at coffee hour telling me she didn't like seeing my white husband and me together because she didn't like seeing her race muddied.

I remember the Christian reviewers who toured Wind Follower who wildly emailed each other offlist about the sex and violence in my book. And I remember the Christian fiction group, Xianscribblers, which all ganged up on me and once again were emailing each other offlist about me. (That trouble started because I didn't like the idea of invading Iraq and because I said people should not judge homosexuals because some --by no means all-- of my homosexual friends had had sexual abuse as children.) Of course something always happens with all that gossiping and I always end up being told...Christians are good at herd-mind cruelty but never good at hiding their gosiping.

So as I think back upon that former minister of mine -- who is quite the Christian gay theologian revolutionary-- I tell myself, "I don't want to develop a kneejerk disdain toward Christians. I don't want to write stories where Christians are harpies who pride themselves on how kind and good and mature they are...when they are really nothing more than cruel beings. Those are the stories non-Christians and Christian-haters write."

Yet, the depiction of Christians is often true. At least American Christians. And let's face it: much of the most blatant racism comes from Christians in the Bible Belt. The Bible tells us: a true witness delivers souls. But can I write the passionate accurate story without being mean-spirited and kneejerk about it?

God alone knows.

Stepping up my game

Ecclesiastes 10:10 states that if your tool is blunt, you gotta whet it and/or put to more strength.

Well, that's what I'm doing. I'll be the first to admit that my spiritual tools are a might blunted. Sure, I read my Bible every day for about an hour. I speak in tongues at night. I command and speak the words. I sing praises to God for things I know he's doing although I don't see it with myphysical eyes. I listen to tapes and sermons during the day and at bedtime. I talk to God all day. Hey, I'll do anything to have my son's healing manifest.

But the problem of the matter is... I am seriously p*ssed with some Christians -- of all colors, but mostly christians who are racist and white-- and I have to forgive folks for what they have done to me in the past. What a bummer! If only, if only, if only, if only I could get what I want, get my son healed, go to heaven...without forgiving my enemies. But honestly, as Jesus said, if the righteous scarcely enter the kingdom, how will evil folks get in?

And truly, my bros and sistahs in Christ, we cannot afford the luxury of a hateful thought.

Holy Spirit, heal my heart. I'd like to pray for these idiots before I see healing in my heart...but honestly, I'm not in the mood to try that hard. Maybe you can heal me first. Then I can manage it. I ask all this in Jesus' name. Amen.

Strange bliss, flaky joy

When one has been ill a long time, real life crumbles away. The veneer of it at least. One reaches a point where one doesn't really care...and that not caring either leads to great despair, great indifference, or great joy. On Sunday while i was cleaning (yeah, yeah, i know. I shouldn't be cleaning on a sunday) I suddenly got an overwhelming sense of joy about my solitariness. Of course I'm not as solitary as most reclusives. I have a hubby and two sons and some lovely friends -- who are also solitary reclisive types-- and my email friends.

But for the most part I live without seeing people and I rarely encounter people. So there I was kinda bewailing my illness and the way my life has turned out....and cleaning ....to the best of my ability.....when this flaky joy comes into my heart. I'll try to explain what the joy was saying to me. (yes, joys can speak). It said something like: "Look how happy and free you are! You know what it's like to not be bounded by all those rules and expectations of a normal life. Because your family hasn't got the tiniest semblance of an ordinary life, you are so free!" (Trust me, life in this house is very strange and grief-stuck most times.)

That's not exactly what the joy-grief (greif-joy?) said but it was close. I can't really explain it but instead of feeling as if my neighbors and my church brothers had abandoned me...and instead of feeling that normality and life had abandoned us... I felt the joys the desert hermits must have felt....a total freedom from the world's cares, rules, judgment....a realization that I was a bit like those folks who had willingly (or unwillingly) turned their back on normal life. It was wonderful. Strange, but wonderful. God must've been in it. It certainly is making me indifferent to stuff the world considers important. Which may or may not be a good thing. Dead to the world, and the world is dead to me.

Perhaps it's the nature of the situation...being ill for so long. I DO believe that God's word is working mightily and powerfully in me, though. But illness does make a person indifferent to life as others live it. In some ways i DO think that this indifference is good for my particular soul. Since my childhood, I was always so pleasant and repressed...and I'm sure the root cause of this too-long-endured illness was me repressing my emotions. Now, the indifference separates me from people...from my old desire to be liked by people....from the fear of man, from my worries about the stuff the world worries about. I think that's a good thing. Because the Christian community has been pretty harsh to me... and it's good to be free from them..and to neither love nor hate them. And it's good to live a stripped kind of life....especially when one is aware that YOU GOD SEE ME.

THE STORY OF THE GOSPEL

I'm always amazed at how we Christians tend to use jargon when we try to preach the gospel....even when we are trying our best not to. Did I just hear a person witnessing to some stranger say, "Jesus came to save you from your sin and to bring us his glorious gospel that you may enter into His body?" Oh, where does one start with a declaration such as this?

Well, for the innocent non-believer out there, here are the basics of the gospel...in as non-jargonal terms as I can make it. I'm sure some jargon might have slipped in. But at least I'm trying to get down to the nitty-gritty of my faith. I tried this with Wind Follower too. Just to get down the basic folkloric aspect of Christianity. So here goes:

Gospel is a word often used by Christians when they speak. It is a word that has two meanings and these two meanings are closely related.

The meaning of the word gospel :

• The word “Gospel” is an old English word which means good news. It is related to another old currently used old English word: gossip. But “gossip” means rumors and bad news about other people, the word gospel is used of news that is true and so wonderful it sounds unbelievable but which is nevertheless very, very true. This leads to the second meaning: something which tells the wonderful unbelievable truth about Jesus Christ.
• The second meaning of the word gospel refers to four books in the Bible which tells about the life of Jesus Christ. There are four gospels
• The gospel according to Matthew
• The gospel according to Mark
• The gospel according to Luke
• The gospel according to John
These gospel writers are called “evangelists” which is a Greek word which means “Messengers who tell the good news.” Three of the four writers (Matthew, Mark, and John) were friends, followers (sometimes called an “apostle”) and eyewitnesses of Jesus when he lived on earth. The fourth (Luke) was a friend who met them later. He was also a researcher and a doctor and he wrote another book in the Bible called “The Acts of the Apostles” which tells about how Jesus’ followers taught the gospel and what they did as they preached the good news.

All the gospels were written to tell about the good news of Jesus Christ.

Who is Jesus Christ?

Jesus Christ lived more than 2000 years ago in Israel. At that time the country was called Palestine and the Romans had invaded the country. The gospels show Jesus healing the sick, raising the dead, and telling people about God’s love. But for Christians, Jesus is more than a mere historical figure. Christians believe Jesus is:
• The Pure and Ultimate sacrifice for a person’s sins
• The Love of God made visible
• The One and only mediator between God and humans, someone who is equal to both God and humans and so he can speak to both.
• The uncreated Son of God who co-created the world with God the Father
• The Prophet who spoke the ultimate truth and mysteries about God, God’s love, Faith, Evil and the Devil, Truth, Life, Death, Spiritual Laws, and the spiritual world.
• The True Example of what a real human being should be.
• The Living Word of God in human flesh.
• The Way to God and to heaven
• The revealer of certain mysteries such as how the world really works.

What is the good news of Jesus Christ?

The good news of Jesus Christ is based on the following beliefs:

• God loved humanity and saw that humanity had forgotten how loved they were.
• God wanted humans to know him yet he knew they could not understand his goodness or his essence because the way humans thought was different from the way God thought because God is good and God is spirit
r•
how hard people tried, they could never be as good as God wished them to be. Nor did they wish to be.
• God’s holiness required justice and required that all sins – bad things we do, think, or say such as murder, lying, pride, or sexual immorality—be punished. But God’s mercy wanted to provide a way to help people come to Him.
t•
people couldn’t be good without His help, yet people did not understand that they needed to understand what goodness, justice, and love were.
• God sent Jesus Christ, who is the representation of everything God is, to be born on earth as a Savior, Teacher, and Sacrifice on earth
• God put the punishment for all the sins humans would ever commit onto Jesus.
• Jesus perfectly did everything God sent Him to do.
• Jesus lived a perfect life, and died for all the sins that sinners had ever and would ever commit in order to pay for their sins
• Jesus gave his life to free humans from death, hell, and the power of sin.
• Jesus sends God’s Holy Spirit to live within those who believe what the gospel writers say about Jesus.
• T
hat anyone who puts his or her trust in Jesus and asks Jesus to died for his sin have power over sin and sickness and conquers the world through their faith in all that Jesus did.

What the gospel is not


The gospel is not
• A system of laws -- although those who believe in the gospel should be good.
• The gospel is not aesthetics – although those who believe in Jesus often worship God in many kinds of beautiful settings and church services
• The gospel is not political correctness – although those who believe in Jesus are commanded to be kind and good to all people
• The gospel is not etiquette – although good behavior is always a good thing.

How do you become friends with God?
If you want to be reconciled to God and feel that something is separating you from him, say this prayer:
God, some people are so sure that you exist. Some people are so sure that you love them. They say that if we ask you for anything and mention Jesus to you, you will answer our prayer. Please God please let me know you in the way your son Jesus Christ does. Please let me understand everything about the Bible and about you and about Jesus. Please help me see that you have destroyed even the most powerful sin and that if you live in me that I will be able to conquer sin and all that sin does to my body, mind, and soul. Please let me understand your love, your care, and your power. Help me to trust in you and for the sake of Jesus and all Jesus did for humans, please forgive me of all my sins, free my soul and spirit from the damage sin has caused in my life and make me your true and obedient child. Amen. It's done.


Carole McDonnell’s fiction, devotionals, poetry and essays have appeared in many publishing venues, in print and online. She lives with her husband, their two sons in upstate New York

He did me much evil

“O Lord, if you mark iniquities, who shall stand?” Psalm 130:3

“Elias was a man subject to like passions as we.” James 5:17

“For God sends rain on the just and unjust.”

These are two of my favorite verses in the Bible. I have many favorite Bible verses – and for many reasons, but these verses always make me smile. Why?

“Alexander the Coppersmith did me much evil.” 2 Ti 4:14

“But Diotrephes who loves to have the pre-eminence among them.” 3 John 9

First and foremost, the epistle writers are finger-pointing. And they are so human about it. As a Christian growing up in North America, I was taught to turn the other cheek when someone wounded me or destroyed me. It was pretty evident that turning the other cheek meant no finger-pointing. This means that if someone made you lose your job, took away your spouse, stole your money, etc that you were supposed to keep your mouth shut, forgive them, and silently keep the pain to one’s self.

But here we have John the beloved disciple and Paul both indulging in finger-pointing. Hey, if Paul was the only one to whine about someone, I’d let it slide. But John the Beloved Disciple? The guy who talks about “love” in almost every verse?

It’s curious to see this. Jesus is loving and he complained about bad guys. If one reads the Book of Acts, one can see that Alexander the Coppersmith is not particularly nice either. A worshiper of Diana, he started a riot when Paul preached about Jesus in Ephesus. Likewise, Diotrephes doesn’t sound like a particularly nice person. He refused to allow his small church to care for or help traveling missionaries. So John’s assessment of the guy is valid to me. And yet, in my oh so proper heart and my pseud-upper-class snootiness, and my cultural idea of classiness and stoic behavior, I just feel a bit uncomfortable about this finger-pointing. Alexander was a pagan, and Diotrephes was a believer, probably a deacon...at least he thought he had power.

I don’t know where I got the idea that we should not complain about another person. The Bible tells us to turn the other cheek when an enemy harms us, but often we assume that this means not saying anything to those who have harmed us. Some Christians will tell everyone how they have been misused, cut others do not even complain to the one who harmed them.

I’m not going to create a theology about the fact that the Holy Spirit shows the flaws of these writers. The Bible repeatedly tells us that complaining is a sin, and that we should rejoice in all things. I am not sure if we should complain about other people only when the church is threatened. But what is interesting about these two verses is that they were human enough to complain and their hurt and anger is apparent. Paul doesn’t sound too forgiving, and John tells Gaius that he’s going to give Diotrephes a good talking-to.

This leads me to Elias. James tells us that he was a man who was subject to like passions as we are and yet he prayed and God heard him. “Subject to?” Interesting phrase. According to Vine’s, it means “bound by.” It could also mean “in danger of being penalized for a misdeed” or “controlled by” Imagine that? Remember Elias? He battled Jezebel. He was burned out. He wanted to die so much and was so tired of living that he actually asked God to take him. And God answered him by letting him die.

Elias was moody, depressed, beaten. And God answered his prayer. John and Paul were none-too-perfect either. Although God had said “It is not good for the man to be alone.” Although the writers of the book of Proverbs had said, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing,” Paul’s attitude was “if you marry you’re going to be in trouble: don’t do it.” As for John, it’s pretty difficult to find something bad to say about him. After all, he was the one disciple who was manly enough to align himself with Jesus when Jesus was suffering. But...yes, there is this little matter of finger-pointing. He’s talking behind someone’s back here, and probably Diotrephes deserved it. But it’s not something we perfectionist Christians would be happy about. So, yes, John is not perfect. And, frankly, that makes me incredibly happy.

Often we think that God will only answer our prayers if we are perfect. While it is good to have a pure heart, a clean soul, and a holy mind when we pray, we have a loving God who remembers that we are human. Jesus told us that God sends sun and rain on both the just and the unjust. God is so loving and good that both the evil farmer and the good farmer can depend on him for rain and sunshine.

Jesus is a wonderful high priest -- not because he was good, but because he knows how hard it is to be good. Ask God for wisdom. Ask God for healing. Ask God for blessings. He loves you. You may be surprised that He will bless you even if you are not perfect enough for him to answer your prayer.

You, God, see me

The God Who Sees Me

Hagar, a favorite Bible character, was the first single mother in the Bible, the first woman “put away” or abandoned by her man. When she realized that God loved and cared for her, she gave Him a new name: “The God who sees me.”
Hagar represents the unseen of earth. The poor, the divorced, the outcast, the discarded, the foreign, the poor, the hungry, the rejected. Even now she is unseen or “wrongly seen” by many Christians. Yet, her life in many ways mirrors another slave’s: Joseph.
Both Joseph and Hagar were owned by foreigners, faced possible death because of the jealousy of others, were seen as mere objects by female owners because of sex and their youth. Both learned obedience through suffering, were honored and demoted, were enslaved because God needed them to preserve His people, suffered in order to help their master’s nation, and were saved by divine intervention.
“You, God, see me” encompasses all the names of God:
Jehovah-jireh – God provides – He sees your needs.
Jehovah-rapha – God heals – He sees your sickness because he was afflicted as we were and was wounded for our healing.
The Lord our shepherd – He is not a hireling who pays no attention to the sheep.
The Lord our light – He sees our path although we know it not.
The Lord our Comforter – He sees the pain in the heart of the rejected and unseen ones.
“You, God, see me.”
The name’s meaning can be understood by the most innocent child and by the most guilt-wracked adult. It is a name that the wounded and the powerful, Christians and non-Christians can be enlightened by. It is a name that shows that God is immediate and intimate, yet omniscient, awesome, and eternally loving.