Thursday, April 03, 2008

Okay I'll admit it

Okay I'll admit it.

Why the heck am I fasting? Is it a glorified diet? Is it the only thing I can do to respond to a vague feeling of uneasiness? Is it my attempt to get rid of my age-old uneasiness at last? I soo wish I was one of those Christian types who had a capacity for inner peace. I just always feel unsettled.

Is it my present crush on Jason Castro -- he of American Idol Fame? Bit of a digression here: Am I hoping to lose 100 pounds and to meet him and he'll fall madly in love with moi? (Dang, I'm vain!...or is it just old-maid desperation?)

It's weird when these crushes jump upon a person. One day one is living a regular life and the next day some young thing appears on the far far horizon and one's thoughts return to one's youth.....ahem.... (Although I have had crushes on older guys. A gay doctor was the last one. And he had a crush on me too, which was pretty par for the course. Me and gay guys seem to hit it off way too well. Lord knows what that tells about me.) The funny thing about being married is that one DOES end up getting little crushes along the way. Mercifully, being married prevents any kind of sinful stuff, but I'm always amazed how when one is stressing in life some sweet young thing always pops up thinking one is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Mercifully, some young thing hasn't popped up lately or lord knows what mental contortions I would be going through. Ah me! But I digress.... Jason is definitely a wonder. Now, along with my other mental to-do's, I now have to change this crush into a maternal caring.

But, returning to my main question:

Why the heck am I fasting? Weight loss desires? Fear of disease and obesity?
Worry about sons? That uneasiness and unsettledness and dread I have had since childhood? That legal stuff bit? Yes, my street cred issue is probably behind all this. Will the day come when the cops will be trying to catch Carole McDonnell ridin' dirty?

Well, I am hoping it's not a glorified diet. I'm hoping I'm fasting because I really want to get close to God and because I'm in a pickle and I know He'll help me out.

Things I've learned in my present attempt to fast (reason why this fasting was bound to fail today) : I can't not eat when I'm alone in the house. PLAIN AND SIMPLE! I just get lonely...and food comforts me until hubby and the kids get home. Worry eating. And I can't go taking away my worry-eating when the family is gone. It'll just make me feel really fragile (Okay, time for another Jason Castro you-tube reference by way of Sting.) So...gotta remind self...fast only when there's a school vacation...or on a weekend. Will start this fast again on Saturday.

And yeah, still thinking of Jason. Gosh, he reminds me of guys I knew in college back in the day. Ah Purchase College... Old Purchase students don't die....they just sell out.
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