Okay, where to start? where to start?
So many wrong thoughts, so little time.
I think the quick, powerful, active word of God I will use to conquer my first negative thought is: "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139.
Alas, I dislike and distrust my body.
I dislike it because when I was around 8 my half-sister said, "our father likes me better and makes me live with him because I'm light-skin and you're dark." Okay, she has forgiven herself for this but it has done major damage and caused a whole lotta self-loathing on my part. Of course, as an adult I know that she probably needed to believe this lie. She was born a month after I was born to my mother's best friend. My mother was married to my father. Hers wasn't. And hers never wanted her so after my mother had had it with my father's various adulteries and beatings and forced abortions....well, she divorced the man. But my half-sister wanted to believe this and I have no doubt the lie healed her...but it's brought be a great deal of grief. I have never felt beautiful. Yep, I used to model for the students at my college etc and people have said that I was very beautiful...but I never felt it. I don't even look in the mirror. (Yeah, I gave this trait to Satha my main character in Wind Follower.)
I also distrust my body. My mother was a nurse...Nurses are alarmists. They always think the body is going to fall apart on you. It doesn't help that I've had such a stressful life that my health broke and my body did kinda fall apart on me.
Remedy: With God all things are possible.
Remedy: It is never too late.
Prescription: I am going to get up every morning and walk to the mirror and say, "I praise you Lord because I am wonderfully and fearfully made." I hope I can say this thing with faith. I hope I can believe it when I say it. (Might have to remind myself of my sense of humor and how happy I have made my friends. Will see.) I hope I can actually look myself in the mirror. I truly don't know what I look like. I so wish I were saner...but alas, I am what I am. May God help me. Amen.
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3 comments:
Wow. People don't realize how their words break spirits in someone. "Sticks and stones may break bones, but words can tear the heart up. You are strong woman, and obviously intelligent to see that your half sister's words were meant to help her out. In the process it hurt you, but she was dealing with a different hurt. I had a cousin who thought she was Ms. Perfect(she was darker than me), because she had two parents int he household, and I stayed "Downtown-ghetto 'hood area. Anyway, in the future, she ended up coming to me for help with her English papers and I got her that coveted "A" on the paper. I also taught her how to do her own manicure as well. I think back to some things she has done and said, I think: "Well, she is just unhappy because her father may not be in lover with her momma any more, he lusted after my mom! Anyway, thats a long story. I can't stand mirrors either, they show me so many flaws...
Hi Anon:
Yes, words really do break the spirit. I haven't been able to look in the mirror yet. It feels so hard to do. Very stressing. I feel like when i try to look into the mirror i'm bullying myself into facing something very ugly. So...am really trying to get myself steeled to look at myself.
I have often found that the christian culture and the black culture and the self-help culture and any odd combination of them are the most wounding places. Because they always feel that their opinions have to be expressed. No ability to forbear because speaking the words are so important in our cultures. To not be silenced anymore. To help the other person. To exhort the other person.
As a result...tons of wounded black women out there. -C
-C
I definitely agree.
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