Friday, September 30, 2011

Forgiveness is a bitch.

Forgiveness is a bitch. Even when one understands that we are all lost sheep, all confused little sheep, and people don't really understand how to love each other. It's still hard to forgive. And if you're someone who has been greatly hurt, and so marked by wounds that everyone one meets hurts you. Strangely, that's the way it often is. If you're abused as a kid, you are forever marked and (in some strange invisible way that can be seen by other abusers) a beacon hangs over one's head flashing the words, "You may hurt and abuse this one.) That's the same thing with people who have been molested as kids. They wander through the world getting molested, and abused by others because some invisible sign has marked them.

Not digressing but just saying that hurt children carrying this lure around with them and when they become adults, other potential victimizers see the lure and continue the cruelty. And then that wounded child ends up with additional wounds. I speak from experience. The upshot of all this is that there are so many wounders and so many hurts, and so many things and people to forgive truly from the heart.

Jesus said, "Forgive and you will be forgiven." AND we should pray, "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us." AND, "when you stand praying, forgive." Then there is the parable of the steward who owed the kings super-funds who himself (the steward) was owed a couple of bucks by someone else.

23Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants. 24And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents. 25But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. 27Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt. 28But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest. 29And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. 30And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt. 31So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done. 32Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: 33Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee? 34And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. 35So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses. Matthew 18:23-35
Unforgiven? Unforgiven?

A Christian believes "Believe on the Lord Jesus and you shall be saved."

So what happens if one believes on the Lord Jesus and cannot truly forgive another from the heart?
It is not only lack of faith that prevents prayers from being answered, but Jesus implies that it is often unforgiveness. Is it possible then, that most Christians are in a state of unforgiveness because they are so deply wounded they cannot forgiven? Is it possible that the reason we see so little miracles is because we are essentially living in a state of unforgiveness. . .even though we are saved?

And really? Isn't it enough for me to just forgive them and have nothing more to do with them? Why must I be as God and do good to those who have wounded me?

I mean, really.... JOB was holding up pretty well under his sufferings until his religious friends came in with their commentary. And he had to pray for them. Aaargh, the thought that I have to forgive some atheists and religionists....in order to really get healed...bothers the crap out of me.

That Keanu Reeves dream is really challenging me. I do not want to pray for those who have wounded me all these years. It hurts my soul to wish them well. It hurts my soul to pray for arrogant, cruel, self-righteous mocking people who have stepped on what little self-esteem I have, who have hurt my son and me, who have stolen my inheritance and the wonderful house in Jamaica we should have inherited, who have crushed my soul and my body.. I do not like the idea at all. No, J'aime pas ca. And yet... to be healed? Could I force myself to pray for these people so that Gabe and I could be healed? How terrible it is for me, right now! How terribly trapped I feel! Must I truly learn to love these horrible people to get even the tiniest of miracles? God is gracious and He has answered many of my prayers while I stayed in this state of being unforgiven-because-I-cannot-forgive. And yet, how much longer can I presume? And even if He has answered my other prayers, will He give us the GREAT miracles we seek if I cannot forgive and bless my enemies from my heart? Lord, have mercy on my soul. Put love inside me because I cannot manufacture this love and this mercy on my own.

Those women in the Keanu Reeves dream weren't bitter. I feel God is really telling me how I am bitter against the rich, and against the beautiful, and against the young, and against those who have, and against the healthy. The anger is so deep, and the resentment because of my health and money issues. But I can't be hating the good in another person's life. Or judge their worthiness. Been praying for my enemies and for good people who I've resented because they had something I didn't. The race is not to the swift. If I judge someone unworthy to receive good, then I also judge myself. And send the blessing away. Besides, i want to love from a pure heart. So hard.

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