Friday, December 12, 2008

Anger, Anger

What to do with it?

Honestly, I could just choke certain people. Much of this anger is sane and has good reasoning behind it. Another part of it is just anger against the sin of the world! What to do with all this anger? Work on an anger scene in my novel? Pray against it? Will see.

They trouble with anger is that one has to figure out who is responsible for the anger...and to see if one can do anything about the anger.

In my case, the problem is an anger at my life. But I'm also angry at glib answers given to me by folks who don't know or understand fibromyalgia or autism. or what it's like living without sleep with a child who has autism. Consider being up all night (every day for 20 years) and finally falling asleep for one hour about five o'clock in the morning (again, this kind of thing happens every day) and then one's autistic child comes into one's room at five thirty (once again, this happens every night) and simply has to sleep in one's bed because he is crying about some particular pain that you cannot ever discover although you've been trying to discover it for 18 years. Consider waking up then having to bathe this 18 year old, make his specific food (because he's allergic to something else or simply refuses to eat anything else or has a dislike for everything else) and then having to dress and groom this 18 year old who is crying because he is in pain and you're on the verge of tears because you have a son who is always in pain. Consider going through the house cleaning up the same damage you cleaned up the day before because your child is in so much pain and because he doesn't talk because he is non-verbal he smashes everything and clears the table and bookshelves and kicks the plaster off the walls and breaks the door and the windows every day. You do this while you're in a state of sleeplessness and extreme fatigue because you yourself have slept for only one hour a night for twenty years.

Consider glib folks who do not understand what living sleeplessly is about telling you your house is messy when once again you have had to wash pee from mattresses and wipe prune juice (because your son is continually constipated) from the wall because he thew it there.

Consider annoying know-it-all Christians telling you that you would be healed if you had more faith but the fact is they aren't praying for you. Consider dealing with folks who think if they had walked in your shoes they'd be dancing instead of being angry or whining.

Consider enduring all this and having no money while enduring all this because since you don't work and since the son is always going to the doctor you are way in debt.

Consider dealing with idiots who tell you that perhaps your son should be hospitalized.

Consider silencing yourself because others simply do not understand yet insist on giving you stupid advice.

Well, got to go. As usual -- although I don't really say it-- son is beside me weeping about something I don't understand and cannot possibly help...while I endure something I don't understand and cannot possibly cure in myself.

Yeah, damn right I'm angry. And I'm angry at sickness and at the devil. Life shouldn't be like this.
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