Monday, October 26, 2009

Seepage

Life slowly returns, seeping into my body.

Why does it seep? Shouldn't it just overflow us and overwhelm us? Shouldn't life just overpower us?
But no, it's all about seeping and slow flows!

All the same, I'm doing better and younger son is doing better. Trusting God. I must really catch up on the psalms. Tomorrow (Deo Volente) I begin again with finishing them. Ah, am in a word-play mood it seems.


  A couple of days ago, I heard a wonderful testimony and was really touched by it just downloaded it from  an an australian website. A woman telling of her ordeal with cancer and how she had to forgiveAnd as she spoke, a great anger and resentment came up in my heart. And it was as if all the anger I had against pious sounding Christians just came to the fore. It was as if God was saying to me..."You really have to deal with this anger, Carole. It is important. Very important."


 I realized that Onion is about my bitterness -- oh this poor book! I had wanted it to be light and quick so I couldn't become too attached to it, but no!!!! It has to go and take on my issues! Honestly, this is the same thing that happened with Wind Follower. i put aside my ten-year and going novel and decided to whip out Wind Follower which i'd been working on for seven months. I figured I wouldn't get too attached to it. Next thing you know. So now, onion...a book written in three weeks...and now all these issues. And worse, I'm actually loving this book. 

So seeping through its pages are my plaints such as my bitterness against pushy people who tell folks what to do, against Christians who say stupid platitudes that they haven't thought out, against racists, against so-called normal  folks who pride themselves on how normal they are.  

Anyway, I really have to work on this issue of bitterness against Christians. (Actually, it's probably against all mouthy people who consider themselves spiritual because Buddhists, New Agers, and even "spiritual atheists"  all seem to have the problem common to all mouthy people: they think that if they had your shoes to wear they would wear it better. It's some weird comparative mode thing we humans get into.)


And of course I have to work on it in the book. I so feel God wants me to work on this. For Gabe's sake. For my sake. To work on this unforgiveness will help unblock my healing. But really I have to work on it for that is what God would like me to write about. We must take care of our health, Rabbi Hillel says, because the world may need us. And I totally believe the Christian world needs me. Sounds arrogant but I do not think any other Christian but me could have come up with Wind Follower. The typical christian would've wanted to avoid the sex or wouldn't have honored pagan spirituality as I did. And the typical christian would've made it way more preachy than I did. Now, in Onion, there is this weird balance of religion and teen sexuality and a love for the outsider. Modern Christian literature is not good with the outsider status. They just aren't. (Not being arrogant here..am speaking the truth. I mean everytime some Christian tells me she's going to write outside the box, I'm tempted to say: "But you don't know the size and shape of the box. You won't write outside of it." And bingo, as I predicted, the book falls into that weird dichotomy modern Christian lit tends to fall into.)  Plus Onion has the anger issues. 

The weird thing is that Job was spiritually okay until his friends showed up. If his friends hadn't attempted to "comfort him" with their platitudes, he probably wouldn't have gotten so bitter. From the time we humans learned the knowledge of good and evil, we have learned to see the evil in other people. Once that happens, both the offended and the offender have fallen into trouble. The spirit of legalism -- the law-- leads to the leaven of the Pharisees which is this is right, this is wrong. It leads to criticism. But in the offended person, it leads to bitterness and offense.  The bait of Satan is offense. Offense occurs when we tell someone they are not doing something according to our knowledge of good and evil. Cain was offended. Job was offended. I have been offended. The ability to see the wrongs in other people is just as bad as lust...and so many people who spout platitudes think they're comforting when what they're doing is adding offense.  As people under grace, we have to avoid giving offense. And we have to avoid anger and bitterness when others offend us.

So...yeah, adelante! ...to really fine-tune it in Onion. I totally, totally revamped the ending. Yeah, weird, weird. But I figured I am a lit major and an arrogant little bitch...and arrogant little bitches just don't write certain kinds of endings. I had to write a more devastating complex ending. Will see. Am trusting God to make me perfect this little novella. I want it to be lovely. So yeah, my anger and snippiness will be in the thing...but also -- I hope-- much of my loveliness (of which I have much.)

Off to bed.
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