Friday, January 29, 2010

ooh, self-baptisms....interesting.

Okay, so there I was fighting against fear and trying to do my best to "take heed what I hear" -- from experts in real life and pundits on TV. Yeah was freaking out and had gotten a really bad attack of agoraphobia and hypochondria. I was having a very hard time concentrating on writing because I kept imagining death working in me. (Don't know if this was demonic or a consequence of having an alarmist nurse as a mother, but it can be totally paralyzing to yours truly.)

In addition, I kept saying to God, "love me, love me, love me." Because I was feeling utterly unloved. Okay, that comes from my rejection and abandonment issues. So, yeah, I was falling apart. But weirdly -- yeah, everything is weird sometimes-- I also am way too friendly for my own good. A recluse with a suspicious paranoid heart and tendency to be open to everyone! What a mess! Anyways, I was feeling rejected, unloved, abandoned...and fearful of horrible illnesses.

And then there was younger son's sickness, my sleep issues, and older son's tummy issues. I was just feeling overwhelmed over general stuff happening in our house. So yours truly felt hubby and I should redo our baptism. -- We were baptized as babies but not as adults. So we said the baptism liturgy together. Baptized ourselves. (Yeah, I know...weird.) A recommitment to God. And renewed renounciation of all things demonic or generational in our family line.

Weirdly, it actually took. Can't explain it but so many things changed. The funny thing is I was thinking..."well is this kind of baptizing of one's self in a pinch acceptable?" But during the ceremony I just got so weepy and cried so much. I mean I just fell apart and cried and cried. Then the terror of rejection and the death fears began to feel more controllable.

Before if I offered my friendship to a stranger, especially strangers on the net, I'd feel so stupid for being so friendly. For instance, there are two Korean women I know on youtube. They sometimes answer when you post to them, but when they don't I feel soooo rejected.

But I clearly felt the Lord say to me...."what if, they're not rejecting you because they think you're too friendly? What if they're just afraid of internet friendships or are two shy? And what if, after a while, they begin to warm up to you...after they get to know your heart? Can you be brave and believe that?"

I also felt God say it was alright that I was a nutcase and didn't have the cookie cutter christian sweetness sane Christians are supposed to have. He said it so clearly: "I don't think you're so nutty, Carole. Besides, I love you the way you are." That made me happy.

So I know something happened. Definitely feel I should take younger son to a church for healing --but so tired of doing that-- because the doc's prescriptions aren't helping. But will see.
Anyways, I definitely feel the healing of the baptism ceremony working in me.

Am living in the secret place of the most high. Every day, I spend most of the day balancing between listening to great sermons and watching evil crime shows on TV. I'm trusting God's love for me....he's very sweet about my silliness.

Hubby and I are also re-reading the Bible from beginning to end. Usually we jump around. But from beginning to end.

Watching my mouth, confessing God's word, trying to love my christian brothers/sisters (which can be difficult because they often say such horrible things) and forgiving folks. God is good.



-C
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