Monday, December 28, 2009

General Update

Okay, so where to begin?

Older son suddenly -- SUDDENLY-- told me he is going to finish his BS in Tallahassee Florida. He leaves in a coupla days. Yep, am still in shock. I have weird ideas about the South -- but from what I hear Tallahassee isn't so bad. Older son has never fitted in with this family. Hubby, younger son, and moi...all live in a world where life is scary, full of illness, hard work, debt. Older son has -- through a flaky narcissism-- always been apart from all this. He's a good kid and generous but he's always lived his own life...and I don't think he's really spoken to his younger brother more than one sentence in the past week. He doesn't really ever speak to him. Alas, this is what autism, fibromyalgia, and money issues has done to my family. So --paradoxically-- I guess it's a good thing for older son to leave the house. He's always been a sweet and good kid but honestly, it's as if he's lived in another family. Maybe in leaving us, he'll understand how much a part of the family he really is. Am still feeling untethered but even more so because of his leaving. And yet, weirdly, this is this strange new feeling of freedom -- as if hubby, younger son, and I are meant to continue on --somewhere else, someway else-- without older son being in the same house with us. Can't explain it but that's how I feel.

Trying to work on younger son's congestion. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG Story. His tummy isn't hurting him so much. But now there's this congestion....for six straight months. Meds, herbs, what has or hasn't worked? What to do?

Trying to put terrifying prediction of my former gyno/obs out of my head. She's one of those medical people who tells you terrible news in a practical "you have to know" kinda way. Very depressing to know someone like that. So she's waiting for her autistic nephew to die and she kinda adds, "And your son is a delicate one too. I told my sister Sam (her nephew) wouldn't live long. And your son probably won't live long either." Ah me! And there I was trying to be positive and trying to at least say something affirming about the power of Jesus blood to save us and keep us healthy...but I couldn't get a word in because formber gyno/obs talks a mile a minute (She lives alone so she doesn't know when to stop all those lonely unmarried former docs out there.) Sooooo I finally manage to say something while she's talking and what do I say? "Yes." AAArgh!!! It was politeness on my part but I didn't want to go "agreeing" with her prophecies about death and sorrow for my son. But the "yes" kinda just slipped out because well, she's older and an authority figure and she talks so dang much and relentlessly so I couldn't say anything.

You should've seen how hard I was trying though. I mean...I kept saying to myself: "Affirm the power of the blood here!" "Okay, affirm it here." "Okay, just say 'I'm trusting in Jesus to keep him well.'" SOMETHING!!! But it's very hard to say something full of hope in the face of someone in a kind of negative looping hammering away at a person. One is so afraid of seeming ridiculous or just plain naive.

Of course "yes" is the kinda thing one does say when one is talking to (listening to) someone who talks non-stop depressive prophesy about death, mayhem, racism, etc. I have a neighbor who can go on and on about the evil white man and she just kinda paralyzes me with her prophecies about how things can go wrong for black folks. (Uhm:: interesting thought -- at least interesting to me-- is that folks like these DO kinda get into a weird loop where they just can't stop talking. I wouldn't call it hypnotic for the listener, but it does seem as if they're in a kind of hypnotic talking negative spell. Actually it's a kind of abuse and they don't realize they are abusing all hope out of you when they talk like that. It's them allowing their members to be used as tools of unrighteousness and the devil. They just allow negativity to use their lips.

And the weird thing is that the desire not to seem impolite just kinda keeps one rooted in place -- on the phone or in front of the negative spouter. It's weird... one simply cannot leave or hang up the phone. So, yeah, the devil uses our desire to be polite and our little etiquette to keep us being hammered away with hopelessness. So yeah, she had me weirding out all night.

What else? Yeah, something else about the devil's work. Today I was watching a show on National Geographic channel about the elephant man of China. Why, oh, why do I watch shows about how illness and disease and war affect people -- especially children? So of course I was crying and weeping and being angry at the devil for what he does to people? I so wish I had the gift of healing...and the boldness to go around the world using the authority God has given to every believer in Christ to heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers. etc. But heck, if I can't even tell my former obs/gyno to shut up because she scares me with all her medical prognoses about me and my son.... then how can I be bold on the mission field or with strangers?

Am trying to figure out what to do with a villain. I want a really memorable villain. But the book is full of a lot of baddies.

Got some lovely calls from friends from all over -- especially friends in my town. Made me feel loved. And almost tethered. Will see. The entire family is going into the New Year living on hubby's unemployment, my pension, and young son's SSI. What a world! Wonder what God is planning.


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