Thursday, December 10, 2009

Untethered -- waiting to be blown away

Lately I've not only been feeling untethered but have actually become untethered.

I feel as if I'm waiting for something to happen...but what? Waiting to go somewhere...but where?

Okay, by this time you all know that living a sickly sleepless life can pull a person from the world. Add a sickly sleepless non-verbal child with issues and that also pulls a person from the world. Other stuff, too, has contributed to yanking hubby, younger son, and me from the world. (The house and money issues being way up on the list.)

So about six months ago hubby became unemployed after 14 years of working at the same firm. The economic crisis. We've been living on his unemployment, my pension, and younger son's SSI. We are weirdly calm. Weirdly expectant. A job often tethers you to a place. But now that hubby has no job...we are weirdly free.

Then my friends started dispersing. One best friend got married and moved upstate. Other best friend went upstate to live near her children and the rest of her family. Other two best friends are in the throes of their recurring mental illnesses and are battling being institutionalized. Three other friends have died. One tempting male friend had to be put aside. And two friends who kept making snide cracks about Christians -- they listen to much too much NPR-- were cut loose. Oh sure, I've got other friends around here -- but those are equally reclusive and we talk through the phone and via email. And I've got neighbors and acquaintances -- but these aren't people I tend to want to hang with. So what does this mean? I am untethered from emotional ties to this place. Heck, even our furniture and house is dissipating before our eyes -- being destroyed by younger son and doggy. The things that tether me to this town are falling aside.

I like surprises...and writing "My Life as an Onion" came as a strange and wonderful surprise. It summed up my past in many ways and seems to be preparing me for the future. It's as honest and heartfelt as Wind Follower but it's probably the nearest I've ever come to writing an autobiographical novel. I was clearer about the root cause of certain issues --such as being an outsider, choosing to be an outsider, being impatient with cruelty, being antsy with religious platitudes and authoritarian smugness...and it's a free little book. (I am hoping the publishers will accept that freedom. It's a bit edgy...let's hope the editors understand what I'm aiming for.)

I feel as if I'm in waiting. But I don't know what I'm waiting for.

I've had dreams of a Mexican woman giving me her boots to wear, hubby has had a dream of me going traveling on a camel/falling off/ getting a new saddle...then getting back on again.

So what is my and my family's next journey?

Am waiting for the healing of my son to manifest..... yes, but that's not quite it.

Am waiting for my own healing to manifest.... yes but that's not quite it.

Am waiting for hubby to get a new job......yes but that's not quite it.

Am waiting for a new kind of life... but what is it?

Am waiting to hear what God will say or to decipher what he has spoken?

Has he spoken to my heart and yet I haven't heard it? Has he spoken to my mind but my mind has been too sleepy and tired to hear it? Has he spoken to my spirit but I haven't spoken in tongues enough to be edified by it? God's sheep hears his voice...but we often dismiss it.

Cause it seems I won't get what God's saying unless it's written large. Which, mercifully, he tends to do with me....cause I am so dense at times I don't get subtle hints.

So here I sit....praying and praising and listening....and waiting to be blown away. All I want is to be tethered to God.


J. M. Butler said...

I am so glad that God does write in big print. :-) I hope and pray that you do get blown away in a good way very soon. Love you so much!

Carole McDonnell said...

Thanks, Jessica. I love you too! Yes, He writes BIG sometimes...but speaks in such a small voice. :-)


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