Saturday, October 08, 2011

Self-silencing: Japanese and American tropes

I've noticed a particular trope in Japanese films: a character is silent and doesn't explain himself...but soon the character, backstory, emotional pain, of these people become known. Either because someone "tells" their story. Or someone accidentally discovers something about the person. The character is then seen and understood. After death, after all the sorrows, AFTER. Then (if the person is alive) love deepens. And (if the person is dead) understanding is made. True love is often achieved in these stories because one person sees the heart of the self-silenced (or culturally-silenced) person: the kind intelligent surmising heart of character B sees the hidden silent heart of character A.

Japan is a culture where humility (or seeming humility) is important. Humility is shown as silent.  The shy lover who can't speak up for himself. The quiet person who is secretly a great teacher, a great warrior, a great, artist.This humility shows up in so many stories that we westerners have to take it for granted. Of course as a westerner, I have to wonder. Sometimes the silencing looks like repression. Sometimes the silencing -- especially when it's a scientist/warrior/cop etc-- looks smug.  ("I'm really great but no one really knows it" kinda thing.)

The west also has its laconic heroes. For instance there are the silent gunmen in westerns. Power in restraint. This person has seen so much  of the evil in the world (and has had to respond in kind so many times) that life has left him somewhat speechless. (Think Clint Eastwood's no-name characters or John Wayne's Ethan in The Searchers). With them it's a kind of "Action speaks louder than words" thing. Plus it balances out the heroes: macho gunman who can't talk to a girl. Or, macho gunman who can only be healed by an understanding girl.

There is also the "Silent as a lamb to the slaughter" mode. This is often found in stories where the character is too noble or too out-numbered or too repressed to defend herself. We find this in Jane Austen's Persuasion and in Johnny Belinda. (of course if one is not really up to all that forgiving lamb thing, one ends up with major bitterness. So I do wonder about Japan and whether the Japanese, like many Christians, have this woundedness thing happening.

Thinking about this trope got me thinking about certain incidents in my own life. One of these occurred with the City Clerk. I used to be a voting clerk, a job I got whenever there was a general national voting. I (and other folks) was paid $150 for sitting in the voting place and signing in voters before they voted for president etc. This all went very well and I could pick up an extra $150 every couple of years for working all day at some election. BUT THEN

One November.

I was working with four ladies. We had worked all day in a  national election. After the polls closed, we were supposed to go home at 9:30 after counting the votes in the machines and reporting it. The other four ladies decided to do something shady. I forgot what exactly they decided to do. Either they didn't want to count the write-in-ballots or they didn't want to double-check the count or some such thing. But I thought the entire thing was unethical and I said so. So I said I wasn't going to do it. At 9:30 we all left the school where the voting had occurred.

The next morning decided to thank my friend, the City Clerk, for the gig and I called her. I dialled her secretary who put me on hold and then passed me on to my friend. My friend, the City Clerk, picked up the phone with the words, "Carole, you shouldn't have left before 9:30 and I won't accept your apology or excuses."

That was the first I heard of it. It was also the first time I saw that side of this friend. From what I could surmise after this verbal slap-down accusation, the ladies I had worked with had all agreed to this lie after I left them outside the school door. They had told my city clerk friend I left early because they wanted to cover their butts. And they had headed me off at the pass by telling her this thing about me. The funny thing was I had totally forgotten about the argument and I had no intention of telling on them, but they had decided to save their own asses by coming up with this story. And my friend had believed them. There was nothing I could say to convince her.

Some years later, I loaned a really expensive book to this friend. About $34.00. I called about three months later for it and she said, "I gave it to you." I waited another two years and asked for it again. She said, "Oh, yes, I have that. Why didn't you ask? All these years you could have asked." ::SIGH::  I said, "I'm sorry I didn't ask." She responded, "You can come and get it anytime."

Stuff like this stays on the mind a long time. So I understand that in a Japanese Culture where hierarchy and external communal peace is necessary, there should be this trope of the person who "becomes understood" after much trial. I also see that the repressed and beaten down person in the west, especially if that person is a Christian, would await the day when all secrets are known. When we ourselves are known.

Lord, help me to forgive those who thought they knew me. Help me to defend myself and to speak up if necessary. Don't let me ruin my stories by putting these incidents in them in a need to "finally have my say" or "finally speak up." Heal my heart, Lord Jesus. Amen.





Friday, September 30, 2011

Forgiveness is a bitch.

Forgiveness is a bitch. Even when one understands that we are all lost sheep, all confused little sheep, and people don't really understand how to love each other. It's still hard to forgive. And if you're someone who has been greatly hurt, and so marked by wounds that everyone one meets hurts you. Strangely, that's the way it often is. If you're abused as a kid, you are forever marked and (in some strange invisible way that can be seen by other abusers) a beacon hangs over one's head flashing the words, "You may hurt and abuse this one.) That's the same thing with people who have been molested as kids. They wander through the world getting molested, and abused by others because some invisible sign has marked them.

Not digressing but just saying that hurt children carrying this lure around with them and when they become adults, other potential victimizers see the lure and continue the cruelty. And then that wounded child ends up with additional wounds. I speak from experience. The upshot of all this is that there are so many wounders and so many hurts, and so many things and people to forgive truly from the heart.

Jesus said, "Forgive and you will be forgiven." AND we should pray, "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us." AND, "when you stand praying, forgive." Then there is the parable of the steward who owed the kings super-funds who himself (the steward) was owed a couple of bucks by someone else.

23Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants. 24And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents. 25But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. 27Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt. 28But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest. 29And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. 30And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt. 31So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done. 32Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: 33Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee? 34And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. 35So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses. Matthew 18:23-35
Unforgiven? Unforgiven?

A Christian believes "Believe on the Lord Jesus and you shall be saved."

So what happens if one believes on the Lord Jesus and cannot truly forgive another from the heart?
It is not only lack of faith that prevents prayers from being answered, but Jesus implies that it is often unforgiveness. Is it possible then, that most Christians are in a state of unforgiveness because they are so deply wounded they cannot forgiven? Is it possible that the reason we see so little miracles is because we are essentially living in a state of unforgiveness. . .even though we are saved?

And really? Isn't it enough for me to just forgive them and have nothing more to do with them? Why must I be as God and do good to those who have wounded me?

I mean, really.... JOB was holding up pretty well under his sufferings until his religious friends came in with their commentary. And he had to pray for them. Aaargh, the thought that I have to forgive some atheists and religionists....in order to really get healed...bothers the crap out of me.

That Keanu Reeves dream is really challenging me. I do not want to pray for those who have wounded me all these years. It hurts my soul to wish them well. It hurts my soul to pray for arrogant, cruel, self-righteous mocking people who have stepped on what little self-esteem I have, who have hurt my son and me, who have stolen my inheritance and the wonderful house in Jamaica we should have inherited, who have crushed my soul and my body.. I do not like the idea at all. No, J'aime pas ca. And yet... to be healed? Could I force myself to pray for these people so that Gabe and I could be healed? How terrible it is for me, right now! How terribly trapped I feel! Must I truly learn to love these horrible people to get even the tiniest of miracles? God is gracious and He has answered many of my prayers while I stayed in this state of being unforgiven-because-I-cannot-forgive. And yet, how much longer can I presume? And even if He has answered my other prayers, will He give us the GREAT miracles we seek if I cannot forgive and bless my enemies from my heart? Lord, have mercy on my soul. Put love inside me because I cannot manufacture this love and this mercy on my own.

Those women in the Keanu Reeves dream weren't bitter. I feel God is really telling me how I am bitter against the rich, and against the beautiful, and against the young, and against those who have, and against the healthy. The anger is so deep, and the resentment because of my health and money issues. But I can't be hating the good in another person's life. Or judge their worthiness. Been praying for my enemies and for good people who I've resented because they had something I didn't. The race is not to the swift. If I judge someone unworthy to receive good, then I also judge myself. And send the blessing away. Besides, i want to love from a pure heart. So hard.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Naked Time

Writing some stories or some parts of stories just cut so deeply near the heart. There comes this time when a writer asks herself what is necessary and can she attempt to brave it. Questions of Healing, escapism, Wish-fulfillment, Showing Things as they are, or allowing our neurosis to show.

My neuroses are in all my stories but I don't like sending out stories that show my neuroses in such a way that everyone knows I'm actually depicting my neuroses. You know how that goes. Or maybe you don't.

In Wind Follower, we have a dark-skinned main character who is loved by the handsomest guy in the world. It's necessary for my healing that this is the scenario. And because my neuroses (rejections for being too dark as a kid) is shared by many Black women, I can have such a scenario without feeling too weird or naked.

Same thing with Changeling, A Cry for Hire, Constant Tower. My neuroses are all in those stories. But My Life as an Onion, well, .... there is a story that needs a lot of elegantizing before it can go out to face the world and other people.

Which brings me to the problem. How much of a heroine, perfect, wonderful heroine do I want my stand-n to be? How much unbelievable happiness can I put into her life? I kinda got away with it in Wind Follower because I gave her a lot of crap. My main character in Onion has a lot of crap as well, but the crap is contemporary. So if I'm not careful, the contemporariness of he story can give me away. Folks will know it's me I'm talking about.

So I need skillz to get this story done. And I need courage as well. Aaargh! Courage to talk about faith, to talk about love, to indulge my yellow fever, ah me! But skillz and elegance above all else. I must talk about religion and spirits without being hokey, preachy and cheesy. I must talk about woundedness and eccentrics and people in emotional communities formed by pain...and yet not sound precious or off-the-wall or contrived. I must be utterly heartfelt and put my whole heart into the story without folks thinking that I'm whining or indulging or being escapist. I must heal myself and talk about love and sexuality without being unholy and pious on the one hand or a sexually deviant writer on the other. I must do all this in a story that should feel normal and dropped down purely from heaven without any human sweat on it. What to do?  WHAT. TO. DO?

The Keanu Reeves Dream


Last night I went to bed around 3:00 and I said to God, "Please give me a dream that explains everything I've been going through. I need help."

I dreamed  this dream, the first in a while.

I dreamed Keanu Reeves was being roasted (given a roast). All the really bad acting he had done were strung together or discussed. It was all in fun but it was quite the slaughter of his ego. He was very hurt. However, he had been married zillions of times and had divorced. Some of these women were poor, old, destitute or all the above. One was a very old lady who sold fruit from a cart on the street. When these women found out about the mockery he had received, they were hurt for him. They decided to write letters of comfort defending him. I don't think they got together as a group to do it. It was just kind of a groundswell and each woman did it spontaneously from her heart. Because he had been divorced from them they didn't know where he was. So they wrote the letters to him in care of the broadcast company that was doing his show. He was very touched, and it seemed because of their kindness toward him I felt he was going to resume the friendship/acquaintanceship he had had with them. Some kind of restoration. I looked up Keanu in Google and his name means:   "cool breeze over the mountains." I really am not sure what this dream means to me. 

I sent it off to my dream group and got this from one of my dream interpreter buddies. I'm thinking she's dead-on.


well, Reeves most famous character played someone caught in the Matrix, manipulated by evil forces. We all live  under the prince of the power of the air, even as believers we live in a fallen world full of sin and we make many mistakes and fail much and deserve to be roasted not only verbally but physically.  The poor destitute women represent a spirit of forgiveness even when they have been wronged. The forgive and rise up with mercy even when they have been divorced and marginalized. They still saw the good in their ex husband. This kind of forgiveness is not something that is necessarily done in a group (like church) but the key to what we do as individuals to help others in our isolated situations. Despite all the crazy things that people we love do, mercy and compassion are still the best course of action.
 Rose-Marie Slosek

Jessica said this:

Rose-Marie's interpretation is beautiful and it makes sense. I can see what she is saying, and it is actually a beautiful little story in the dream. And those women had every reason to gloat particularly given the fact that it was all said "in fun" and probably true. Or at the least they could have gone on, but they took that opportunity to comfort a man who had spurned them. Forgiveness is like a cool breeze from the mountains
there's something refreshing in it. And its clear from this that forgiveness is demonstrated in a variety of ways, not necessarily by addressing the wrongs that these women suffered by him. They offered him comfort which was not a clear forgiveness as in "I forgive you for hurting me" but in that, it is powerful and more than the more staid Christian platitutde of a direct confrontation they're heaping coals of fire on his head through their sincerity now what he does with that is up to him.



Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The Healing Paradigm.


More and more i'm thinking of the healing paradigm we have in the church and why it is a bit on the wrong side
When we go to God for healing we ask him for a "touch" and we point out the area we want Him to heal.
But more and more it seems to me that when one is full of God or near God, one gets engulfed in His glory and the more normal thing would be that the entire body would be touched and changed and healed by God.


That healing is a wholistic thing. When we ask for a touch, we are saying to God to fine-tune his healing power and touch a particular part but to not let other aspects of the person's body feel it. But I really feel that God comes in like a flood more often than not. Except that we are unable to get the full benefits of the river of life. There are waters to swim in. but we have been so trained to stint where God is concerned, or we are so trained to stint
that we only go into the waters ankle-deep spiritually speaking so the glory of God can't take us and utterly heal us.

The problem here seems to be that one part of the body can really reach a high level while other parts of the body are at a different level but that we won't see a lot of superhealing until most of the body at least acknowledges certain truths. All the same, this has been a real help in me thinking about being healed of many things.


When I think of being healed of A, B, C, D, E etc I start to think, "But can God handle ALL this healing ALL at once?" That's the kind of thing we've been trained to think. That God sees things in parts. But when I realize that if I can attain to this spiritual thought and freedom, if I can ascribe to God power and greatness, and really ascribe to him the ability to enter wholeheartedly into a situation, then ALL will be healed ALL at once. I know this sounds very heretical to some who feel as if God heals in parts and in stages, but I keep thinking of the Passover where all God's people were led out and no one was sick and where their clothes and their shoes didn't rot on them. I keep thinking of the Tower of Babel where everyone's mind was altered at once. I keep thinking of the ten plagues where so much happened to so many in so many little things and so many big things. And I see more and more that God is a complete God who does things individually and yet completely.


I keep seeing folks in church waiting for "a touch" from God. They do little bargaining things. They want to be healed of arthritis, diabetes, cancer, allergies, money problems, a pain in the right ear, a pain in the left eye, blindness, etc. etc. So this one person has all these things wrong with her body...And so she does this little accounting strategy... and says to herself, "Which of these things should I tell the minister about?"


I just don't think that is what God wants. 


Yet, the paradigm of God touching a particular part of the body is too compartmentalizing. I just want to stop going up to ministers and doing an accounting check and deciding which thing i should tell the minister to pray for and I want to be able to have a great God who just comes in and because of His nearness to totally envelop me. To be near Him, how can our entire body not be filled and touched by Him? But because we don't believe it can be, we don't receive it.


As my friend Jessica says, "It's like what Jesus said 'Is it harder for a man to say your sins are forgiven or take up your mat and walk?' and then boom he does both."


And the removing of the sin sometimes is the bringing in of healing. And when ministers say things like "the salvation of a soul is better than healing" I'm like... "why do people who generally do not always show the gift of healing have these elaborate theologies about healing which basicaly stops your faith before you begin?"


The more I think about the Tower of Babel (Blog reposted below if you can't click there) the more I see how full of fullness God is. 


THE TOWER OF BABEL



Okay, so here is the story as told in Genesis, chapter 11:

1And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech. 2And it came to pass, as they journeyed from the east, that they found a plain in the land of Shinar; and they dwelt there. 3And they said one to another, Go to, let us make brick, and burn them throughly. And they had brick for stone, and slime had they for morter. 4And they said, Go to, let us build us a city and a tower, whose top may reachunto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth. 5And the LORD came down to see the city and the tower, which the children of men builded. 6And the LORD said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do. 7Go to, let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another's speech. 8So the LORD scattered them abroad from thence upon the face of all the earth: and they left off to build the city. 9Therefore is the name of it called Babel; because the LORD did there confound the language of all the earth: and from thence did the LORD scatter them abroad upon the face of all the earth.

I love this story. And what gets me is the confounding of the languages. Language nut that I am. Am not sure who the "us" refers to. It might be spoken by Father God to the other members of the godhead, or it might be spoken by God to the angels. But the operation is set, accomplished.

Now, everyone who spoke thought they were speaking THE language but they weren't.

A) Instantly, a B) series of instant languages were created C) and downloaded into the minds/tongues of D) groups of people E) as the lesser choice against a future evil.

That's five different miracles all at once.
A) The choreography of the Divine assault, the timing, the instantaneous direction.
B) The creativity of our great Lordm the God of order and rules. He creates these languages with all their rules. I'm not talking about languages that have branched off from others since then, just these FIRST primary languages. Grammatical rules for each language are different. Some cultures start sentences with the object, some with the subject. Pronounciation rules, syntactical rules, also vary. Some cultures have no "L" sound, some have no "R" sound. Some rules are made up of tongue clicks. Yet, at the same time there are certain rules that all languages follow. People must have names, for instance. Or, interestingly, the word for "take" can be used to mean "to understand." (Weird, but that "take" idiom seems to be in so many languages. . .probably connected with the idea of "taking an idea and digesting it.")
C) The great communal mind change. ALL minds are similarly affected at the same time. Through what agency? The language centers of the brain? Suddenly the language centers of all the brains of all these people are changed? What a great God!
 D) They had to be different enough so folks couldn't understand each other. The languages had to be numerous enough so that all these people could not easily find someone to speak with. The languages had to be shared by families, husbands and wives, sons and daughters, so when the big departure happened, people would be able to converse with their own households.
E) And why is this done? In order to prevent humans from destroying themselves by unity. God alone knows what this human created tower to honor humanity would do, but it was obviously gonna cause trouble if humans pooled all their knowledge. Note, at first God thought it was all very interesting and only came down to look. But when he saw the dangers... well, one shudders to think what God saw! But what does he do? He doesn't destroy the tower Himself. He makes them leave off building it. He simply causes language confusion.

 That amazes the heck out of me. Communication was the problem that was pushing humanity toward a fix and communication was what was challenged. The thing they feared and were working against (dispersion and alienation from each other) came upon them. And yet, it seems, the end result God chose was the lesser of two evils.

Okay, so why is God making me ponder and think about this today? Is it about me ascribing glory and power and strength to Him? Is it about a group download into the Christian mind? Is it about the United Nations? Is it about me understanding He can heal Gabe and me? How we need to see the strength and power of God and His angels! What is it about????








Monday, September 19, 2011

Stories, movies, and dissatisfaction

Lately I've been thinking about something that I hadn't really thought about: dissatisfying art.

Dissatisfaction is a horrible feeling to get when encountering a work of art. I didn't realize how bad it was until recently when three different films left me so upset with dissatisfaction I almost gave up on movies. Whether it's unresolved issues, a missing scene, a missing character, a "wrong" resolution, a "happy" or a "bad" or an "unbelievable" ending, I just feel so let down.

Of course there is the issue of expectations. Perhaps I just expect too much. Perhaps as an American I expect a happy ending answer. ;-) Perhaps as a Christian I expect depth. Perhaps as a lit major and a lover of movies, I've just seen and read so many great masterpieces that I'm always comparing lesser films to great ones. But I gotta say that I do appreciate imperfect movies. After all, minor films can satisfy.

One of the first instances of dissatisfaction I remember is LadyHawke. Overall, it was such a lovely movie. But there was just something lacking in it for me. Okay, so I sit around remaking movies in my mind. But really, there was something just not quite deep enough, not quite painful enough,not quite sweet enough. An acquaintance loved it and got really angry when it was discussed. I think she "supplied" with her imagination what the film lacked. A lot of books and films depend on the artistic imagination of the viewer and don't do the work of supplying (or putting into the work) what really should be there.

Another instance of dissatisfaction was Lord of the Rings. Sorry but the whole series left me cold. And it's not because there weren't any black folks in the movie either. (Although that didn't help.) There was just something very distancing about it and I didn't feel any of the emotions. There was no scene there that pulled me in. Could be the director, could be the acting. Could be me. ;-) I'll admit it... it might be me. Maybe I just need emotional intensity that's ya know...really intense.

I'm hoping my books don't dissatisfy. Who knows?


Sunday, September 18, 2011

Jesus and the man with the legion

Seriously, asking information fromdemons?




Mark Chapter 5:9And he asked him, What is thy name? And he answered, saying, My nameis Legion: for we are many. 


I believe we should cast out demons. I just worry about doctrines being told us by demons. Really if you break down the conversation between Jesus and the demon, there are a few things to be clear about.


Jesus asked the MAN, "What is your name?" It is probably one of the demons who answered instead of the man. The man was too out of his mind to know what Jesus was saying but it's clear that Jesus said to THE MAN, "What is your name?" The strongman answered that there are so many of us here that our names are legions. We have many names." Jesus DID NOT interrogate the demon. The Bible clearly states he asked the man his name. He was trying to see if he could pull the man out of the mess around him.

I will also add that Derek Prince, Charles Holzhauser, Win Worley and the other folks you mention were probably way wiser than you and I are, and probably had had years of experience in knowing how to speak to demons and how to trust demons before trusting a word they said. Discerning a liar and being able to tell when a demon is lying is a hard-earned hard-won skill. It is not a something one picks up after just a few years of deliverance. I would rather be taught by the Holy Spirit to discern than to have a demon tell me what's going on. If Jesus ever asked a demon a question, it was BECAUSE he ALREADY knew the answer.


One: Is Jesus asking the man what his name is? Or is Jesus interrogating the demon?

Two: If Jesus is conversing with the demon, is Jesus asking who the strong man is?

Three: Is Jesus asking about doctrine or asking advice from the demon?

Four: Do we really believe Jesus didn't recognize the legion and needed them to clarify things for him?

Five: this was such an infestation of demons that the situation is unusual. These demons readily showed themselves and declared who they are, speaking through the mouth of their victim. There was no hide-and-seek going on. We don't even know why they told Jesus they were legion. To get pity? To make Jesus feel overwhelmed?

Six: Notice that when Jesus cast them out, he didn't start naming them even though they said they were many devils. He just said to the demon gang, "All of you out!" There was no, "okay, you talking to me, are you the gatekeeper spirit? are you the strongman? are you an imposter?" He just told the entire legion to go out.

Seven: He didn't "bind the strongman." If he was doing all this as an example of how to deal with some heavy-duty spirits, he certainly isn't doing it the way modern deliverance folks say we should do it. So should we really think of this as an example of interrogation.

Nah,you have to ask God to give you discernment before you start listening to a doctrine told to you by a demon.








Vision: Restore my soul

So there I was saying Psalm 23 this morning, meditating on it actually when I reach the place of "restore my soul" and suddenly got this vision of my soul. It was a roundish oval thing. Not really a healthy pink, kind of dun in color. There was a spot on it like a gray smudge. I'm not sure if it was a smudge or if it was a place where dark black dust had been sprinkled on it. One part of my soul was wrinkled, near the bottom, almost withered and shrunk-looking.

I saw it in God's hand. He was holding it in his hand, very lovingly, very tenderly. I think he was massaging certain parts of it and was in the act of restoring it. Maybe going to put living water in it.

So I get up and because I didn't sleep the first thing I say to Luke (the hubby) is a snarky accusing comment. I kinda went into blame mode and he really hadn't done anything against me sleeping. But not sleeping and woundedness can make a person fall into blame mode very easily. I came downstairs and felt so convicted of my cruelty to him. Basically, what I was saying was he was going to ruin my day because he hadn't done what I asked. So I apologized to him.

He had this look of surprise on his face. "You said something mean?" he asked.

I explained to him that even if he didn't feel the cruelty and the blame in my comment that it was there and that I shouldn't have said it.

So now... waiting for God to restore my heart more and more. I wonder what that dark smudge or blast of black dust was. I've been so wounded in life that I really expected to see a lot of pit marks on my soul. And in all honesty, I was surprised to see just this one large smudge. I don't know how deep the smudge goes into my little pink soul. But I suspect the dark smudge woundedness is so deep that all the other wounds in my life must have come from (or is rooted in that smudge.) Father abandonment, I suspect. But who knows? Funny how one doesn't know how and where and why the main hurt in one's life comes from. Lord, do what you wish to heal my heart!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Christianizing the Roman Empire: A.D. 100-400


Christianizing the Roman Empire: A.D. 100-400 

Professor Ramsay MacMullen





  • Paperback: 183 pages




  • Publisher: Yale University Press (September 10, 1986)




  • Language: English




  • ISBN-10: 0300036426




  • ISBN-13: 978-0300036428


  • Monday, September 12, 2011

    Satan & the Problem of Evil: Constructing a Trinitarian Warfare Theodicy

    Satan & the Problem of Evil: Constructing a Trinitarian Warfare Theodicy


    by  Greg Boyd




  • Paperback: 456 pages

  • Publisher: IVP Academic (October 8, 2001)

  • Language: English

  • ISBN-10: 0830815503

  • ISBN-13: 978-0830815500



  • Product Description

    • Where does evil come from?
    • If there is a sovereign creator God, as Christian faith holds, is this God ultimately responsible for evil?
    • Does God's sovereignty mean that God causes each instance of sin and suffering?
    • How do Satan, his demons and hell fit into God's providential oversight of all creation and history?
    • How does God interact with human intention and action?
    • If people act freely, does God know in particular every human decision before the choice is made?
    In this important book Gregory A. Boyd mounts a thorough response to these ages-old questions, which remain both crucial and contentious, both practical and complex. In this work Boyd defends his scripturally grounded trinitarian warfare theodicy (presented in God at War) with rigorous philosophical reflection and insights from human experience and scientific discovery. Critiquing the classical Calvinist solution to the problem of evil, he advocates an alternative understanding of the sovereignty of the trinitarian God and of the reality of Satan that sheds light on our fallen human condition. While all may not agree with Boyd's conclusions, Satan and the Problem of Evil promises to advance the church's discussion of these critical issues.

    Friday, September 09, 2011

    Mammon and tithing


    I remember the manna in the wilderness
    It fell every morning and turned into worms if one kept it one day
    and tried to save it
    yet on the sixth day when it fell it miraculously lasted two days for the sabbath
    and didn't get wormy
    so we are taught that God is the one who takes care of us
    same thing with the tithe on the land
    every 7 years the rest
    and people shouldn't do anything to the land
    the land would give of itself because it was a blessed land
    on that 7th year
    wwe have to enter into his rest
    the tithe is our realization that we have entered into our rest
    we want to believe we've earned it all
    that unless we work, unless we save\
    unless we're good stewards
    then some bad thng will happen
    so we say religious things like
    if you don't tithe
    God won't bless you
    and that isn't the way it works
    God is always blessing
    and the ithe is not about paying off God protection money
    it's about resting in his love and showing that you are not being bullied by mammon and the fear of mammon
    that you trust that God takes care of the birds of the air and the lilies of the field
    when the persecution happens
    we will see how well God takes care of us even without money and tithing to pay him off
    but it's like we can't quite grasp that this is honoring his love
    we see it as payment
    and even churches who should know God's love
    are afraid to trust God
    it's like the pastor saying
    but i need to get the people to tithe
    or I won't be able to eat or to pay for the church or whatever
    so they  are depending on the money and not on the God who gives the money
    very hard to depend on God but i totally believe tht one should give something as a battle against the human mind of keeping money
    as a little battle against mammon and human self-trust

    Tuesday, September 06, 2011

    Well. . . uhm, that was sudden.


    Last night as i lay in bed i realized something. I no longer feel the need to have those who wounded me understand how they have wounded me. So weird. 
    I no longer wish to have my inlaws understand what they did to me. When did that happen?
    it was so weird,
    this sudden realization. All these years, trying to make folks understand!
    All these years using my stories to make cruel dismissive people understand my soul!
    Now I can write a scene in a story and not have to explain to the reader what it is like to be sleepless for 26 years andtaking care of a 21 year old Gabe

    It's as if
    now i know that God and the angels know and love me
    and those who love and understand me really do love and understand me
    and so why do the others who harm me matter? I felt so free
    so weird, though, because the wrong persons have always mattered so much to me. 

    This new realization will priobably free up Onion too, and all my writings.
    because Onion will no longer be chained with or charged with explaining my life
    and my dream life will be free of trying to explain to the brother-in-law what insulting me on my wedding day did to me, what the cruelty of my mother-in-law did to me. 

    Why and whence this sudden freedom? When did it happen? Not sure.!
    But it's very freeing
    folks judge
    and assume they know what pain I've gone through and how little and unimportant that pain is 
    and i've gotten so upset at their dismissive ness and their inability to understand
    and now suddenly i am free from the need to have them understand


    it's a release
    what do the negatives matter when the positives love me? 
    God and my friends and my family?
    it really is like a weight lifted off me
    I sincerely have been relieved of the need to make another understand.
    and there's no bitterness at all in my heart
    just not really caring one way or another

    How strangely bizarre to be so suddenly free from this!

    Monday, September 05, 2011

    Loving me some Tower of Babel


    Okay, so here is the story as told in Genesis, chapter 11:

    1And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech. 2And it came to pass, as they journeyed from the east, that they found a plain in the land of Shinar; and they dwelt there. 3And they said one to another, Go to, let us make brick, and burn them throughly. And they had brick for stone, and slime had they for morter. 4And they said, Go to, let us build us a city and a tower, whose top may reachunto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth. 5And the LORD came down to see the city and the tower, which the children of men builded. 6And the LORD said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do. 7Go to, let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another's speech. 8So the LORD scattered them abroad from thence upon the face of all the earth: and they left off to build the city. 9Therefore is the name of it called Babel; because the LORD did there confound the language of all the earth: and from thence did the LORD scatter them abroad upon the face of all the earth.

    I love this story. And what gets me is the confounding of the languages. Language nut that I am. Am not sure who the "us" refers to. It might be spoken by Father God to the other members of the godhead, or it might be spoken by God to the angels. But the operation is set, accomplished.

    Now, everyone who spoke thought they were speaking THE language but they weren't.

    A) Instantly, a B) series of instant languages were created C) and downloaded into the minds/tongues of D) groups of people E) as the lesser choice against a future evil.

    That's five different miracles all at once.
    A) The choreography of the Divine assault, the timing, the instantaneous direction.
    B) The creativity of our great Lordm the God of order and rules. He creates these languages with all their rules. I'm not talking about languages that have branched off from others since then, just these FIRST primary languages. Grammatical rules for each language are different. Some cultures start sentences with the object, some with the subject. Pronounciation rules, syntactical rules, also vary. Some cultures have no "L" sound, some have no "R" sound. Some rules are made up of tongue clicks. Yet, at the same time there are certain rules that all languages follow. People must have names, for instance. Or, interestingly, the word for "take" can be used to mean "to understand." (Weird, but that "take" idiom seems to be in so many languages. . .probably connected with the idea of "taking an idea and digesting it.")
    C) The great communal mind change. ALL minds are similarly affected at the same time. Through what agency? The language centers of the brain? Suddenly the language centers of all the brains of all these people are changed? What a great God!
     D) They had to be different enough so folks couldn't understand each other. The languages had to be numerous enough so that all these people could not easily find someone to speak with. The languages had to be shared by families, husbands and wives, sons and daughters, so when the big departure happened, people would be able to converse with their own households.
    E) And why is this done? In order to prevent humans from destroying themselves by unity. God alone knows what this human created tower to honor humanity would do, but it was obviously gonna cause trouble if humans pooled all their knowledge. Note, at first God thought it was all very interesting and only came down to look. But when he saw the dangers... well, one shudders to think what God saw! But what does he do? He doesn't destroy the tower Himself. He makes them leave off building it. He simply causes language confusion.

     That amazes the heck out of me. Communication was the problem that was pushing humanity toward a fix and communication was what was challenged. The thing they feared and were working against (dispersion and alienation from each other) came upon them. And yet, it seems, the end result God chose was the lesser of two evils.

    Okay, so why is God making me ponder and think about this today? Is it about me ascribing glory and power and strength to Him? Is it about a group download into the Christian mind? Is it about the United Nations? Is it about me understanding He can heal Gabe and me? How we need to see the strength and power of God and His angels! What is it about????

    Wednesday, August 31, 2011

    Pondering Christians who Reject



    The christian world is rejecting and it should not be because we are the brothers of Christ, because all the world rejects in so many things. Race, Class, Beauty, Age, Money, Power, Status. The Christian world should not reject. I remember as a kid when I realized that I was one of the few Christian people in my world who actually thought A) Heaven was home B) we are all pilgrims so we should all love each other C) we are all to live by a high ethical and spiritual law D) we are all to live outside the herd.

    It surprised me so much that so many Christians seem to be such a part of this world. Maybe one day I will see, really see -- WITHOUT PAIN-- the emptiness of those who have been taught by race, class, beauty, money to reject me and their Christian brothers.


    Lord Jesus, you were despised and rejected of men. Yet you were filled with the oil of gladness above your brothers. Heal my heart, Lord. Help me to not be hurt by the world. I love and praise you, Lord Jesus. 

    Monday, August 29, 2011

    out women, writing, old age




    I want to be loved by someone beautiful, asian, young and rich. I suspect I am somewhat in love with Kim Hyun Joong. (Not that he's rich...but really why am I falling in love with some pop star at my age?) But  Ben is such a healing force for me. 


    If I can manage to put all that love into Ben's character, some part of me will be healed...although I've got to say that it does make me vulnerable to put all my love for Ben into the novel. But hey, that's what makes my novels work. My heart is there for all to see and mock or commiserate with.



    Maybe all older women in the west are going through this phase. A coupla days ago I was so crushed. I felt very old, bvery black, very sickly, very ugly and kept thinking now I have moved out of beauty...because older women fall off the beauty bar...and older black women are not really considered beautiful anymore. We have to deal with that. It's partly because of society, and it's partly because of the media, and part of the male-run world which is based on male hormones. For whatever reason, God created a world where men can discard older women yet they themselves remain sexual so they can sow their wild oats (hence they need young women and are attracted to them, and to youthful women.) 


    In just 20 years I have become an old woman. It is all very devastating.  
    And I have not had the youth I should have had. 
    To have lived the past 25
    with grief, ill health, money issues .. old before my time one might say...
    with no chance of restoration
    even if i become very rich and famous now,
    the joys i could have had..had i been able to sleep, had I been healthy, had I had money, had I had good friends, had I had fame. 
    had i been healthy
    Those days are gone
    One can't conquer MT Everest when one is 79
    so it's a kind of female mid life crisis
    my mother died when she was 68 or so. How long do I have?






    Funny thing is, I don't want to be madly-inlove with.
    but something must be done,must be felt, to redeem this life that has been so hard, so lonely and so unloved.
    And now to fall away from the definition of beauty because I've gotten old....well, i would so like to be loved by some good gorgeous guys 
    (which is odd because we will all be gorgeous in heaven and we will all be individually and passionately loved by everyone.)


    There is also that part of me that was rejected as a kid, rejected as an adult by the inlaws.
    So some female part of me wants that love I should have had, and some womanly part of me so desires that part of me that was rejected by the in-law's family. All my writings are focused on healing those rejections. All these families formed inside longhouses, all these families formed inside and outside and beyond blood families.

    I am very focused on the male characters in my book. Partly because women have wounded me so much. Partly because I have sons. Partly because male pain has always interested me (from seeing all those 60's and 70's movies by white male writers about white men and white boys.) I really suspect that watching Hamlet and Edmund  did more to affect my creative interest in writing about men than my own issues. Yet, my own issues are definitely in the mix.

    A feminist white female writer friend thinks i need to focus more on strong women
    A black male writer friend says that as well
    but I want to show my own issues and the issues I've seen in the lives of other women.
    A) how women are pulled along in men's wake
    our desire is to our husband
    how marriage pulls you into a lot of grief because of the in-laws and the family one has married into.

    Oh sure one can have great feministy souls
    who divorce their men or who don't get into these situations or who aren't affected by the clan they've married into
    but this is rare even among feminists (Witness Simone and Camus.)
    The plain truth is that the average women
    have a life that feminists don't show
    because feminists get so caught up in showing empowered women
    but women around the world don't have all that western middle-class privilege

    And for a black male writer to tell me my women are weak is also wrong. I simply do not care to show women with lances, shields, and hottie armor. I want to show normalcy. 
    Even so, I think it's pretty feministy of me to want to show how badly women have it (but apparently i'm all wrong to do that.)

    And I get pretty slammed as well, I think, when I focus on
    how men suffer at the hands of the male societal ideals.
    Psal and Ephan in Constant Tower  and Loic in Wind Follower really have a tough time in the warrior world
    so that should've pleased feminists because I was concerned with gender issues and male pain. 
    I con't... I can't really write to preach
    If I preach, my preaching is to show reality.
    I can't write to "show" women what they should do or to show women as strong or christians or good or noble nubian warrior queens
    I just can't do it
    i seem called to sow reality
    all this shoulda coulda idealism crap can get in the way

    particularly when it prevents you from enjoying what you have
       or from showing the pain of a present situation.



    And should I not write about black women's pain and weakness and sadness just because white women have done it all? And should I not write about weak sad black women because black men want Nubian well-adjusted warrior princes? 


    Seriously, white women may find it old hat to have their vaginas praised and put on pedestals. The vaginas of black women my age were never praised. While white women were getting annoyed at having men hold doors for them and were tired of being enslaved to rich houses in the suburbs, we black women were not considered sexy or beautiful and were pictured as whores. And I?? What has happened to me? Old... old... and suddenly an old black woman in this sad world.  
    Rant over. 

    Sunday, August 28, 2011

    A Testimony Testimony


    Just came back from walking. I think I walked for an hour. Not sure but it was very lovely. So while I'm walking on this little hill I suddenly remember a bit of deliverance God did for me. I was a kid when it happened and a thunderstorm suddenly popped up. My friend and I had been playing in the paddleball court and suddenly boom. We ran and ran trying to get home. So we're running and she is faster than I am and is ahead of me. 


    I call out to her and am begging her to wait for me and reach out and suddenly a lightning bolt comes straight between us. She was about a foot in front of me and I was running into the lightning bolt. I had to hop and hop and hop on one of my feet in order not to run into the lightning bolt. It was so weird to me that I was not hit but this happened at a time when strange occurrences kept happening to me as if something in the universe was trying to kill me. It was a very weird time. Although this is not as dramatic as the angel stopping me from falling off Bear Mountain, it was pretty memorable. Yet I haven't really thought of it ..but I thought of it now.


    So I'm coming home and I'm loving my town and looking at the little grouplets (always a black kid, a hispanic kid, and a white kid! I love this town!) 


    So I come down one road and this blonde lady with a bag of garbage comes out of her house. She and her husband are putting garbage out on the street (which is none too bright because the wind is still blowing) and she looks at me and says, "Wow, did you see that tree just fall?"


    I look behind me to where she is pointing. She says, "That tree was not down 20 minutes ago. You are lucky!"


    So I say to myself: "Oh gee, I just remember my lightning bolt incident. I don't want to give luck the credit. But it'll sound really weird to bring God into this conversation."


    So I smiled, we chatter and she says she's seen me and I say I've seen her playing with her son. I start walking home. She says again, "Be careful."


    I say, "Oh, don't worry about that! God'll take care of me."


    Then I walked on happily. I feel really glad that I was able to affirm God's miracle-keeping power instead of giving the glory to luck. 

    Tuesday, August 23, 2011

    The Healing Reawakening: Reclaiming Our Lost Inheritance


    Healing Reawakening, The: Reclaiming Our Lost Inheritance 

    Francis MacNutt



  • Paperback: 256 pages

  • Publisher: Chosen; Reprinted edition (September 1, 2006)

  • Language: English

  • ISBN-10: 0800794141

  • ISBN-13: 978-0800794149




  • For the first three hundred years of Christian history, healing prayer was fundamental in the life of the church. It even proved the main method of converting the unbelievers of the day. Then began the long slide of healing prayer into near insignificance. Ironically, Christians themselves, by reserving healing prayer for the most "holy," were the ones who almost killed this mission so central to the gospel itself.

    The mystery of how this happened is described by Francis MacNutt in this fascinating history, which includes his own personal journey. MacNutt sees this loss as tragic and shows how necessary it is for us to rediscover healing prayer and once more embrace it, according to Christ's original mandate--with amazing results! Christian leaders and anyone involved in the healing ministry must read this book.




    From the Back Cover

    Reclaim the transforming power of healing!

    Although the main method leading to the conversion of the Roman Empire during the early years of Christianity lay in healing the sick and casting out evil spirits, belief in supernatural healing nearly disappeared from mainline churches during the following centuries. How did something so central to Jesus' own heart, something so essential to the spreading of the Gospel, nearly disappear? Join Francis MacNutt as he explores the fascinating disappearance and today's reawakening of healing ministry.

    Jesus has not stopped pouring out His blessings. Through The Healing Reawakening we can rediscover the empowerment that the early Church once experienced.


    "This book is more than timely. It is avant-garde, a 'forerunner' statement among signals I sense the Spirit is sending the Church, saying, I'm ready to move again in earth-shaking revival power."--Jack W. Hayford, president, The International Church of the Foursquare Gospel; chancellor, The King's Seminary; founding pastor, The Church On The Way

    "A hard-hitting book that should be read by every Christian. I highly recommend it."--Vinson Synan, distinguished professor of Church history, dean emeritus, School of Divinity, Regent University

    "This is the book for the whole Church at this critical moment in her history. MacNutt diagnoses with theological and historical narrative both the loss and today's partial recovery."--Don Williams, Ph.D, author; Vineyard pastor

    "Destined to become required reading for all seekers of truth."--Barbara Shlemon Ryan, president, Beloved Ministry


    Francis MacNutt, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling Healing, as well as Deliverance from Evil Spirits and other books on healing prayer. He and his wife, Judith, are the founders of Christian Healing Ministries.

    About the Author

    Francis MacNutt, Ph.D., who as a young Roman Catholic priest was prominent in the charismatic renewal in the 1960s, is the author of the best-selling Healing, as well as Deliverance from Evil Spirits and other books on healing prayer. He and his wife, Judith, also conduct an extensive teaching ministry through conferences, seminars, tapes, and speaking engagements. They are the founders of Christian Healing Ministries in Jacksonville, Florida.

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