I made it to age 50!!!! YAY!!!! I hadn't thought I would. But now I know I can make it even to 100. What a blessing it was to be 50! Anyway, it's interesting. Age makes one finally develop the courage of one's convictions in so many things. I've always wished I fell into the herd mind more easily. I would've liked to be cookie-cutter. It saves a lot of arguments. But I'm not perfectly progressive or perfectly conservative. I don't believe everything Black Americans are supposed to believe or everything enlightened feminists are supposed to believe or everything American Christians are supposed to believe. Hence, I get into disagreements with white conservative Christian pro-Bush friend as often as I get into disagreements with black Christian pro-Obama friends as much as I get into disagreements with atheist friends. Woe is me that I don't have a herd mind! Yet I am myself. Whatever that is. I'm not friends with the world...or the little weird groups based on race, politics, etc. And I don't have a man-pleasing spirit. And yet, I've always wanted people to like me. So, at age 50, I'm really reaching that point where I don't care what the world thinks of me...to really not mind.
Which reminds me: STROPPY: Easily offended or annoyed; ill-tempered or belligerent. Touchy.
I've got to thank Sylvia Kelso for this word. It appears everywhere in Onion...and it certainly describes me in my dealings with certain people. (My friends never see my testy side.) However, I can proudly say: "No, I'm not self-righteous. I'm just testy and a bit on the stroppy side."
I finished My Life as an Onion. It took only 3 and a half months, I think and turned out to be a real life changer. As I wrote the character, I pretty much ended up talking about and confronting my own issues. And as the character triumphed in them, so did I. I asked God to open my heart and to heal it again. He did. I've been crying a lot lately. I've always been somewhat weepy but the tears couldn't really go past my throat. It was as if something -- usually food or some self-repression-- was choking them down. But now, it's like...every little thing on TV that I ever felt like crying about... is actually making me crying. I was watching The First 48 --which is the best true crime show on television-- and I just cried and cried and cried through the episodes. I know everyone who watched that show must get the weeps but my tears never really could flow... well now they can.
I feel as if writing it helped to heal so much of my soul. Dealing with forgiveness, lack of a father, my tendency to close my heart, my inability to cry even when I feel I'm about to have a nervous breakdown from not crying. It all was put in the story and every word and chapter challenged me to ask God to create a clean new heart in me.
In addition, I really like Onion. I love the characters so much. I love Ben, I love Denise. They just kinda sprung up like Pegasus, fully born from my head. It's as if they were always there waiting for me to write a young adult novel. But also, so many of the characters are based on characters from my life. And the others were based on characters I would've wanted in my life.
Of course it's probably a might controversial. (Is it possible that Carole McDonnell can NOT write a non-controversial novel? Nah!) One of my beta readers called it a "weird sweet little book." YES!!! So, yeah, I'm in love with main male character. Anyway, I sent it off to the Delacorte annual first YA novel contest.
While writing Onion, EVERYDAY I'd get a little godwink from God with the word "Korea." I'd get up suddenly and turn on the radio and a minute after I got up, someone would mention Korea. Or I'd suddenly get up and change the TV channel to some weird movie or news show and bingo up someone would come with some sentence with the word "Korea" in it. Very weird, but good weird. It was so funny. It was a little game between God and me. I felt -- I KNEW-- he was saying to continue writing because he wanted the novel done. A couple of the main characters are from Korea...and so I also had to research Korea. So now I know all sorts of Korean dishes and cultural stuff.
I want to write my succubus story...renamed The Night Wife, after African mythos. But really, I think I'd shy away from the evil of the thing and not allow myself to get fully into the story. Because, frankly, demons can be bullies and I remember the crap I went through when I was younger. I am in no mood to be bullied again or to remember how creepy they can be. (Those who have never had to deal with demons can laugh at this but let me tell you it's not funny when you;re dealing with that kinda stuff.)
THE CONSTANT TOWER
Now am attempting to return to The Constant Tower. Am wondering now if I've been somewhat repressed in what I've written. I don't want Prince Psal to be overcome with anger... but I don't want to not let him be what he wants to be...or what life is forcing him to be. So, am seriously pondering what to do. Also am wondering if I've wanted the girl character to be good. Is it possible she can be truly vengeful? But in a Christian story? Hey, some Christians thought Wind Follower was too graphic. (raising eyebrows here.) So am wondering... But I'm not writing for christians, am I?
DREAM - Dark Parables
Had another dream of fire and rioting because of financial situations. Terrifying. I feel something weird's coming in the land.
Trying to lose weight. Now that I'm 50 and the idea is in my mind that I really don't want to die at 70 because I'm gonna have fans over the world.... I figure I better get myself all skinny so I can travel.
It was a fun birthday. Full of blessings and peace. I had gone through a mass deliverance on youtube so I think that had something to do with it. Just a feeling as if a lot of stuff had lifted from my life.
Day after my birthday -- a Sunday-- my friend, Rain, took me out for a birthday dinner at a local Mexican Restaurant. (The fried chimichanga bananas with vanilla -- soooo goood!) We had a great talk which we always do. She's muslim and we don't get into apologetics because with some hard cases the religious conversion rate is best when we perform miracles. After all Jesus said "these signs shall follow them that believe" and "preach the gospel with signs following: heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers." So she was having this pain in her hip that's been with her since she had a car accident when she was 18. I commanded the pain to leave in Jesus' name. Then my friend walked in -- I hadn't seen her in about a year (God is sooo good to make me see her!)-- She looked very sad. She's waiting on a biopsy. I say, "Let me pray for you." So we go into the restaurant bathroom and I commanded the cancer to die and to leave her body." I'm just doing what Jesus told us to do. He didn't say "pray for the sick" he said to "heal the sick" and we have to have boldness. So I'm looking forward to hearing that both are healed. Which would be worth the embarrassment of us being in the bathroom holding hands praying and some woman walking in on us. Maybe she knew we were praying. Maybe she thought something else. But who cares? As long as Jesus is glorified.
That's about it.
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- Villains -- Who to vilify?
- Thomas Hood's poem: Sally Simpkin's Lament
- Renewing the mind
- Weekend Movie-Viewing
- General Update
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- The cornucopia of salvation
- Go Tell It On The Mountain
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- Rainy Blue: Hideaki Tokunaga and DBSK
- General Update
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- Angels We Have Heard on High
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