Wednesday, March 03, 2010

WTF Moment in Bible Study: the death of leaders

Okay, so there is hubby and me finishing up Deuteronomy. And what do I do? I start crying and weeping and blubbering at Moses' death. Snot is everywhere. I'm imagining all the Israelites feeling bereft cause the leader who has led them these many years is now going to die. (Why do people go up to mountains to die? Okay, Moses is buried by God in a valley but he died on the mountain. So, yeah... Aaron dies on Horeb and Moses dies on Nebo.)

Anyway, I got to thinking of when Jesus died and left his disciples. Then I got to thinking of the verse about ....God had compassion on them because they were like sheep without a shepherd.

Maybe I've been wounded by all the silly helpless, cruel, cold, inept ministers I've had to deal with. Or maybe I'm dealing with loss of grandfather issues. Who knows? Maybe it was some sort of cosmic desperate cry of loneliness and wanting to be near God...or at least to be near someone who is close to God.

Then I remembered one of my favorite hymns that we sing almost every night. There's a line which goes: "Not as orphans are we left in sorrow now." I tell myself I must remember that.

I just cried and cried as if I had lost my own father. Very weird.

Alleluia! sing to Jesus! His the scepter, His the throne.
Alleluia! His the triumph, His the victory alone.
Hark! the songs of peaceful Zion thunder like a mighty flood.
Jesus out of every nation has redeemed us by His blood.

Alleluia! not as orphans are we left in sorrow now;
Alleluia! He is near us, faith believes, nor questions how;
Though the cloud from sight received Him when the forty days were o’er
Shall our hearts forget His promise, “I am with you evermore”?

Alleluia! bread of angels, Thou on earth our food, our stay;
Alleluia! here the sinful flee to Thee from day to day:
Intercessor, Friend of sinners, Earth’s Redeemer, plead for me,
Where the songs of all the sinless sweep across the crystal sea.

Alleluia! King eternal, Thee the Lord of lords we own;
Alleluia! born of Mary, Earth Thy footstool, Heav’n Thy throne:
Thou within the veil hast entered, robed in flesh our great High Priest;
Thou on earth both priest and victim in the Eucharistic feast.


J. M. Butler said...

I am so glad that you cried! You need to cry and keep on crying just to release these emotions.

I don't know what the issue is inside that is hurting, but I don't think it's bad. I cried when Moses died too because I did not want him to. And of course, I always cry during the Crucifixion story.

I do think that you're right though that deep inside you feel lonely. You've been through a very rough path, and it is no wonder that you are lonely. My guess would be that it is a combination of the two you mentioned. A desperate loneliness crying out to be near to God and yet also feeling abandoned by grandfather and struggling through that and also wanting to be close to someone who will lead and care for you as well as "father" you.

Don't feel bad about feeling this way. It's okay. Beautiful song though. God bless you! Be dangerous.

Carole McDonnell said...

I love you. You're so sweet to me. Yeah, it's good. Maybe I'm being healed inside. Hey, maybe I'll be able to write CT without all these repressions. For a moment I feared --yes, my prophetic soul!-- some favorite minister of mine would die. But yeah...I think I'm just kinda overwhelmed by life. But underneath are the everlasting arms. Thanks. Love you. -C

J. M. Butler said...

You are going to be freed, and you write beautifully. I can't wait to see Constant Tower as a completed work. I hope that this is one of the works that will be the most freeing for you. Even more so than Onion.

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