Yep, another post on poverty of spirit.
So this morning the folks from the rehabilitation for Gabe came to visit us. The first lady who arrived was so sweet and kind and accessible. Then the "head" of the institution came. Oh heavens! The dying to self required to deal with this lady.
Yes, she had an attitude. (Praise God! although I was hurt and wounded and weepy, I wasn't nasty. So, hey, maybe I've grown because the old me would've started being snide.)
I'm not sure why why she was nasty. I hadn't said anything at all ..so it's not as if I provoked her. She just entered the yard wearing her better-than-thou look. I'm telling you the lady had scorn down.
I could've spoken to them wondering what her problem was. (And truly, it IS a problem if she is so concerned with showing how great she is, even though she's dealing with a woman with a son like Gabe. But when folks try to be better than others, they usually don't care about other folk's heart.) Obviously she was esteeming herself higher than others ..but why?
Was it because I was fat?
Was it because I was wearing a house dress?
Was it because my house is in a poor neighborhood?
I suspected she behaves this way only toward certain people. Some folks are like that. They're kind to those they deem their equals in importance and (for absolutely no reason) they are nasty and imperious to folks they consider unimportant or folks they don't esteem.
Of course, this could be the way she treats all people she interviews for her program. It might be that she is utterly self-centered and is unaware that the stuff she does in order to make herself look "important" also has the effect of making people look "unimportant."
A part of me kept thinking, "Carole, if you were truly humble, you wouldn't even notice how nasty she is being. Obviously, you still have some pride in you if your pride is affect." But I'm not sure about that. I mean I am not utterly humble but I didn't try to show her how great or educated I was. I didn't try to talk using big educational words. I didn't tell her I was a former teacher, a former reporter, or a writer. I mean... if I wanted to challenge her, I could simply have said something like, "Are you trying to show me how much better you are than me?" (Yeah, I've been known to make direct comments like that.) A comment like that might not have worked to change her or to make her see my humanity but it would have certainly put her on her toes when she's talking to me.
But the effect of the entire encounter is to make me feel small and desperately in need of God's love. I am feeling once again the effect of poverty, the effect of being fat, the effect of being in a house that needs fixing, the effect of having a child diagnosed as incurably autistic and retarded.
Something else... good and bad.
I sent a friend invitation to two youtubers I had a problem with. Well, actually, they had a problem with me. The first was a young kid who used to go by the name of filmfanatic57. I liked that kid. Just an intelligent kid. And so I friended him as I friend a lot of kids on the internet. BUT he used the word "retard" in one of his reviews and I snapped at him in a comment. Immediately, the kid became my enemy.
The second was an older friend from the UK. An atheist and movie lover. I never argued with him about atheism; we just discussed Asian movies. Then I told him he was being rude to another youtuber. He snapped at me and sent me a list of accusations, including his annoyance at my supposed duplicity and sneakiness and his assertion that I was stupid because I didn't agree with his assessment of certain movies. I wrote him a short, "Honestly, James, I am not that slick. And everyone interprets movies their own ways."
Anyway, I missed these guys. So I refriended them. I said to the older friend. "I know you've decided to exclude me, but I'm going to draw a circle to include you." I expected a snide comment. Imagine my surprise when he welcomed me with open arms!!!!! Yeah, am really surprised.
The kid, though, is relentlessly unforgiving. And that hurts. The young shouldn't be so unforgiving and spiteful.
I try to live a brave courageous life. I talk about God among people who think I'm nuts for believing in Gods, demons, angels and the like. It's tough living such a life but yeah, I'm really working on humility and dying to self. But what a day it has been! I want Gabe to be well. I want to be rich. I want to be thinner. I want a rich house.
I had a dream a coupla days ago where an Asian guy (around 35 or so) said to me, "I, for one, am going to be optimistic." That's all he said. So... am gonna transform my mind to focusing on Christ's finished work on the cross. To this end, after the snooty lady left, I was about to fall into despair but then I remembered the weapons of our warfare and I went outside and affirmed, "Jesus is Lord. He has healed me. He is my shepherd. I do not lack." So, yeah, I was shaken...but I was not greatly shaken. God helped me set myself right. Thanks you Lord.
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